Use at Your Own Risk

We’re about to get really intimate.

If you’ve ever longed to be understood, this post is for you.

If you’ve ever felt lonely.
Weird.
Marginalized.

If you’ve ever said out loud to no one or everyone, “You don’t understand me,” then please—keep reading.

I’ve got a solution for you.

I’ve never been the engineering type. I don’t really care how things work. I just care that they work. At home, I expect things to work. When they don’t, I can get pretty frustrated.

My favorite appliance is probably my oven. Boring? Maybe. But to be fair, my oven is pretty fancy.

It came with a user manual, although I have to be honest. I don’t think I’ve ever actually used it. After all, I’ve been living and eating indoors for 48 years, and I’ve never not had access to an oven. So when we moved into our new house two years ago, I assumed I would be able to roast a chicken with no problem. Never mind that on day one I couldn’t even turn the oven on. After several failed attempts of trying every button imaginable, opening and closing the doors a few times, and even checking the pilot light, I ended up calling the builder, only to discover there’s two concentric knobs, and both have to be adjusted in order for the heating element to begin doing its thing.

Who knew?

Did I learn my lesson?
No, I did not.

I still haven’t read the user manual.

And I’ve encountered more than a few problems since (You just heard about the first). Currently, all my settings are in French. I have no idea how to change them 😳🤦‍♀️. And I’ve undoubtedly missed some important features. Features I could have been using if only I knew how.

So 99% of the time, I turn the oven to “Bake” and set the temp for 350 degrees. And 99% of the time that works. But maybe the things I cook would turn out even better if I used the “proofing” function when I make homemade bread or tried “convection mode” every once in awhile in lieu of dragging out the air fryer.

I treat my oven like my relationships. I’ve been using an oven all my life. Surely I know what to do.

But like people, this oven has its own way of doing things. It’s special. Complicated.

Cue the PERSONAL USER MANUAL

I recently came across an interesting article about Personal User Manuals. These user manuals are for individuals who want to tell their employees how to interact with them—a brilliant idea and not to be confused with a personnel manual, which is more like an employee handbook that outlines the policies, procedures, and expectations for working in a company.

B.O.R.I.N.G.

A Personal Manual, on the other hand, is a document that says, “This is how I work best. If you want to partner with me, this is what you need to know.” The document outlines how you like to work, collaborate, communicate, and receive feedback. It’s primarily used by CEOs and creative types.

It got me thinking.

I like the idea of creating a Personal User Manual, and no, not so I can pass it out during family meetings. I’m not that crazy. I think the personal manual could be a useful tool for understanding ourselves, sort of like a journaling prompt on steroids. Writing is thinking, after all.

These are the six subject prompts for work. I’ve altered the questions following for personal reflection and growth.

Trust me, I know this is a little weird.

But let’s stick with it—just for kicks and giggles.

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1. Introduction: This is your opportunity to summarize where you’ve been and who you are. Maybe a little bit about where you grew up, how it influenced the decisions you made about school and work. How did you get to your current place?

1. Environment: Think about your ideal living conditions. What are your daily rhythms? How do your rhythms align with the responsibilities you have both at home and at work? How does your work inside the home integrate with your work outside of it?

2. Communication: What’s the best way to communicate with you? A shared calendar? A weekly meeting? A heart-to-heart at a specific time every day? Are you an external processor or an internal processor?

3. Feedback: How would like to receive feedback? Do you invite others to help you evaluate what’s happening in your life or is this a project for you and you alone? If the feedback has the potential for conflict, do you want to talk about it right away or do you need time to cool down? Maybe you like to save encouraging cards and emails that people send to you. Maybe you already have a system in place that includes the question: “How did I do today?”

4. Support: How can the people who live with you best support you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Goals for personal growth? Where would you like to improve? Do you need time alone? Do you need help with chores? Would it be helpful to keep lists of places you’d like to visit, vacation spots, and ideas for date nights or girl getaways, so that when you are feeling overwhelmed you already have an index of go-to getaways? Maybe you’d like to start keeping a list of encouraging Bible verses, a list of friends you can call day or night, or a list of everyday activities for fostering peace and prosperity.

5. Favorites: What are your favorite TV shows, movies, books, restaurants, music, and gifts? (Feel free to leave your personal manual open to this page close to key holidays 😉).

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For What It’s Worth

You know, my oven gets used every single day. It works just fine—even though I’ve never read the user manual. I would say it’s “adequate." On a scale of 1-5, I’ll give it a 3.5. It gets the job done. We eat muffins and baked chicken and roasted vegetables. I bake cakes and prepare potatoes myriad ways. But I know I’m not using the oven to its full potential. This expensive, professional grade appliance essentially does the same job as a $150 countertop toaster.

Even though it’s worth far more.

When I googled, “Why is my oven so expensive?” you know what Google said? "

The price increases due to the quality of internal components used to build the product and make it as long-lasting as possible.

Because the Personal Manual is a deep-dive into our souls, I wondered what God might say about those innermost parts. Turns out, he agrees with Google.

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. —-1 Peter 3:4

I’m being a little facetious when I suggest creating a personal manual for your life, but maybe it’s not that far-fetched after all. Wasn’t it Socrates who said “Know thyself?”

If you created a personal user manual I can only imagine that it would make you more aware of your own idiosyncrasies and quirks.

Understanding ourselves is the first step in understanding others.

And relationships are big business.

There’s games for getting to know one another better. Who’s tried UnCurated or Toilet Tag? And then there’s apps like Lasting and Better Help, not to mention the retreats and adventure programs all with one lofty goal: helping people connect in meaningful ways.

It all boils down to this, though: I can’t expect someone else to understand me if I haven’t opened myself up to being understood.

So tell me, who out there is brave enough to compile a PERSONAL USER MANUAL?

Want more good stuff?

Playing Small is not an Option

Many of us remember high school as a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog marathon popularity contest and rejection fest. That was never more apparent than in my 5th and 6th period acting class. Improvisation. Monologues. Role playing games. Voice calisthenics. And then the dreaded auditions. Talk about rejection! But casting was never just about talent. How do I know this? Because our instructor loved to repeat this well known theatre adage:

“There are no small parts, only small actors.”

I used to think she only said that to make us feel better about ourselves when we didn’t see our names on the cast list. As our teacher, she needed to cut off jealousy, hurt feelings, and petty grievances at the source.

But Ms. Bishop wasn’t the first teacher to admonish her students with these words. For theatre kids like me and professional actors all over the world, it was Konstantin Stanislavski, the father of modern acting, who coined the phrase: “There are no small parts, only small actors.”

Prior to Stanislavski, actors with smaller roles often gave “smaller” performances. They moved with no sense of purpose. They performed their characters with no depth; no commitment. In effect, they were spectators more than they were actors.

Stanislavski found this unacceptable. He required actors who performed in his theatre productions to engage their roles with equal commitment, whether they were lead actors with large roles or supporting actors with few lines or no lines at all.

——-Acting Magazine, July 2018

Three centuries earlier, Shakespeare, the father of English literature, likened the whole human experience to one big theatre production:

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.

There are no small parts, only small actors.

If I’m being honest, I haven’t always taken the high road. I’ve played it small, looking around and seeing people with opportunity and success looming large right in front of them and thinking: “Why not me? Why don’t I have their talent? Money? Connections? Education? Luck?”

As a young mom, I sometimes complained about the time I spent nursing, changing diapers, and doing laundry. Under the burden of all the things I had to do, I felt like my own raw talent would shrivel up and disappear for good. But these were lies. Those “small” parts weren’t small at all. Muscles I didn’t even know I had were flexing and growing.

Stanislavski believed that every role, regardless of size, mattered. In order for the audience to embrace the story, he emphasized that every single person who worked on the production had to deliver exacting authenticity. (We’ll come back to this later.)

Let’s be real: Even being a part of the ensemble is awesome. How many of us have seen Hamilton, only to be mesmerized by the seamless choreography of the supporting cast? How many of us found ourselves awestruck by the pageantry of a show like Phantom of the Opera, gasping at the drama of a “shattered” chandelier, but never asking “how”? How many of us felt our hearts swell as the ensemble in Les Mis sang “Do You Hear the People Sing?”

Not every actor can or even should be a lead. Some actors need more experience behind the scenes before they’re ready for a bigger role in front of an audience. Acting, like life, is extremely subjective. It takes years of practice, and even the best ones don’t always get a chance at the big-time. To be sure, things like connections and luck do contribute to success.

One of the best parts about being a part of that high school cast was that I got asked to do a bunch of things I didn’t even know I was auditioning for. Actors, by themselves, aren’t all that special. They need the support of those who understand costuming and sound effects, marketing and light design. I learned how to do all those things. And for one special production, our entire class collaborated to write an original play (and we won first place in the state competition!). Behind the scenes and in front of an audience, I saw first-hand how integral every single person was to the success of the entire show.

In college, I thought I was preparing for the role of a lifetime—medical school. I could practically taste the credibility and respect. I could count the money and influence. But instead of getting the role of “student,” I landed the part of “mother,” and my life has never been the same.

Am I going to complain that I didn’t get the role that came with a spotlight? (Is that even something I want now?) Or am I going to accept what I’ve been given with the grace and tenacity of a girl who is out to prove that she can be trusted with small roles, too?

Stanislavski suggests that there are seven questions that actor should ask herself in order to fully understand her character:

• Who am I?

• Where am I?

• What time is it?

• What do I want?

• Why do I want it?

• How will I get what I want?

• What must I overcome to get what I want?

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in is the first step in creating a life of value. Time and place matter because these things are fluid. Just because you are deep in the throes of mothering or school or work right now doesn’t mean you always will be. In fact, one of the best things that could happen to you might be not getting what you want. And as painful as that truth feels right now, you might be surprised at what you uncover when you ask yourself why you want it in the first place.

I realized there were a thousand other ways I could create the life I wanted without being a doctor.

There’s actually two parts to the Stanislavski Method of acting, and it’s this second part that might be the most important of all. It’s called The Magic If:

Utilizing the magic if, you can place yourself in any given scenario and imagine exactly what your character should and would do. In life, that character is YOU. When you understand who you are at your core, you get to make decisions that are congruent with both your values and desires. This is true authenticity!

• How would you respond if …?

• How would you behave if….?

• What thoughts would go through your mind if…?

• How would you feel if….?

• How would your life change if…?

Embracing Empathy

The biggest thing I learned from being an actor? Empathy. According to author Josh Linker of Big Little Breakthroughs, “the empathetic process actually leads to more creativity.” First introduced to the concept of empathy as a young acting student, I’ve since discovered that it’s given me not only a love for other people, but grace for myself. Empathy has shown me not only how to identify problems around me but also how to use both my experience and imagination to solve them.

Playing it small is thinking there’s only one way to be successful, happy, influential, or even helpful. Like Shakespeare said, we are all actors with our entrances and exits, and one man (or woman) in her time “plays many parts.”

All the parts I played have made me a better mom, sister, wife, friend, and ultimately a better human. After all, every role is important. I’m embarrassed I ever thought some of them were small. Indeed, the things I originally perceived as “small” turned out to be the biggest opportunities to shape not only my own generation, but the generation to come.

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I hope you’ve found this post helpful. My prayer is that the next time you find yourself face-to-face with an open casting call for a role you didn’t necessarily choose, you too will be ready to take the stage.

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Want more good stuff?

When You Love Your Lifestyle But Hate Your Life

Mature women everywhere…REJOICE!

I bet you never thought somebody would say that, did you?

But here’s what I love about getting older. Standard of living usually—(and I mean USUALLY)—increases as age increases.

And that’s pretty awesome: those larger paychecks make the “big” house, the boat, multiple vacations a year, and the fancy car possible.

But I’ve also discovered something disturbing:

A lot of people I know love their lifestyle and hate their life.

Impossible, but true.

And the thing is: I don’t even think they’re going to do anything about it!

When you’ve been around as long as I have, it’s easy to put things on autopilot. You tell yourself that the pension you’re going to get when you retire is worth the misery you’re experiencing now. I have a friend who’s committed to working twelve more years in a government job she finds boring and tedious. Twelve years! To turn her back now on that kind of future financial promise is a leap she just can’t make.

But is it worth it?

My husband is getting ready to leave his comfortable job to venture out on his own after 15 years working in a church. It’s a huge leap of faith, and I’m so proud of him because when he tells our friends about his hopes and dreams for his new career, I see the longing in their eyes. They wish they were the ones embarking on a new adventure!

I hear our friends say things like:

I’m too old to change careers.
Who’s going to hire me now?
What if I have to take a pay cut to do the thing I really want?
What will my family do without the consistency of a steady paycheck?

But can you afford not to?

If I were ask you what makes a fulfilling life, my guess is that almost all your answers would be things that are free or almost free. When you create more space and time in your life, you not only discover new opportunities waiting for you but also you find that you are more open and willing to accept them for what they are: not lucky circumstances, but real possibilities.

Love and relationships matter more than money and things.

We know this intrinsically, but we are afraid of the risk. As we get older, we’re not just responsible for ourselves. We have spouses and children who depend on us. We have mortgages and college tuition to pay. Some of us may even be caring for aging parents. The risks are real and anything but trivial.

And the reality is we like the house and the car and the vacations.

Our status symbols have become our status quo.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the United States among people ages 15-44. It ranks among the top three workplace issues, along with family crisis and stress. (source) According to Fast Company Magazine, nearly 50% of six-figure salaried workers are plotting a job change this year. People are asking themselves, “What do I really want…for my family, from my job, in my life? The answer to those questions will have a direct impact on our future psychological and spiritual well-being.

My husband knew that the time was right to make a change. “If not now,” he said, “then when?” Even though we have two kids in college, five cars (because—teenagers!), a mortgage to pay, and kids in private school, we couldn’t keep putting off the decision. If we waited for the perfect time, we knew we would never make the leap. There would always be something tying us to where we are. He’s making the change because everything he’s done up until now has been preparing him for THIS. VERY. MOMENT.

You can have everything you’ve ever wanted and still feel empty.

What has God been preparing you to do?

Here are 5 things to consider as you ponder what’s next for you:

1) Often other people recognize our aptitudes before we do. Ask the people closest to you what gifts they see in you. Their answers might surprise you.

2) You don’t have to have your entire life journey planned out. Few people do. Life is organic, not linear. Be willing to explore new possibilities and the next right step will reveal itself.

3) Find a community that shares your values and inspires your ideas. I used to be a part of a cohort of entrepreneurs through an organization called Plywood People. I count the five years I spent with those women among the most growth-orienting years of my life. What I learned from them could not be replicated anywhere else.

4) Kids need their parents to model purpose and meaning, not privilege and entitlement. They can sense your restlessness. They know when you’re stressed. Show them what matters by doing work that counts.

5) Work on building wisdom, not a resume. There’s so much more to life than the work you do. No experience is ever wasted. Even if your job no longer challenges you in a way that makes you feel alive, you can still find ways to engage with the world.

In our family, we like to say that when the pain of staying is worse than the fear of change, it’s time to do something different. Sometimes you know what you have to do and you just do it. Sometimes, you need to take a breath and pray about it for a season. Sometimes, even with the best intentions in mind, it just doesn’t make sense to take that leap. And that’s okay. But if you’re being called to STAY, give your work the enthusiasm it craves and give your family the attention they deserve.

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.—Dolly Parton

When my friend Melanie’s dad retired from his work as a veterinarian, he gave a charge to the employees, and this is what he said—(Melanie wrote them down, and I saved them)—

What is work? Just a platform for relationships. Whatever we do, people are involved on some front. It’s that interface that matters. Work is just the bridge that makes the connection to people. (Thank you, Mr. Rickard)

Wherever we are, we can all do that.

The best of you is yet to come!

Want more good stuff?

From Order to Disorder--The Way of the World

My one year-old nephew was visiting last week. While his mom took a call, I played with him in our living room, and I noticed something that seems pretty common with boys.

They are destructive!

If I stacked the blocks, he knocked them down.
If I lined up the cars all in a row, he scattered them.
If I put the plush toys in the crate, he fished them out and threw them on the floor.

By the end of the day, my living room looked like a war zone.

The scientific term is entropy— a gradual decline into disorder.

Interestingly, entropy is also known as the amount of energy unavailable for doing useful work.

It’s not just little boys who gravitate to a state of entropy.

We do it, too.

The bills pile up, the countertop connects clutter, the closet needs purging, and yet entropy trumps energy more often than I want to admit.

I get in my own way of doing useful work.

When I was in college, I thought my life was really complicated.
All those papers!
Exams!
Sorority meetings!
Roommate drama!

Then I got married, and learning how to do life with my soul mate made life even more complicated.

Then we had kids, and as you might have guessed—I discovered the real meaning of complicated. The family dynamic shifted each time we brought home a new baby. Our marriage, jobs, kids, and other obligations all fought for our attention, and like that stack of blocks in my living room, we didn’t always do a great job of keeping it all together.

As we get older, life doesn’t get easier. It just gets more complicated (and weirdly, also more expensive).

But also as I’ve gotten older I crave useful work. I need it.

But how do I make sure the energy for doing that work is available to me?

I’m a big fan of the THREE R’s—rituals, rhythms, and rest.
In fact, I’ve written about those three things here, here, here, and here.

But today I want to talk about something else….

And I know it seems counter-intuitive to add something to an already busy schedule in order to create more order in your life, but remember—we want to increase the energy available for doing useful work, and the the best way to do that is to do something that actually makes us feel energized.

Here’s How:

Get lost in a subject completely outside your scope of knowledge.

I’m reading a book called Buzz that’s all about bees, interesting to me because bees are responsible for nearly 1/3 of the foodstuffs we eat, and also for more than 350 of the 1,000 medical prescriptions cited in the 12th century Book of Medicines. I have no idea how I might apply what I’m learning about bees to future work, but a deep-dive into a subject in which I know so little is sure to spark creative output.

Schedule time to revitalize by doing something you’ve never done before.

Last week, I experienced a sound bath. Never heard of it? Let me explain—it was new to me, too! Essentially, a sound bath is a meditation class that guides you into a deep meditative state while surrounding you in ambient sound played by instructors who use instruments such as bowls, gongs, and cymbals. For a whole hour, I laid on my yoga mat in a warm room and just let the sound “wash” over me. It was glorious.

Meet with someone who inspires you, not because you need anything from them but because you love their company.

I used to be a part of a cohort of small business owners, but when I ended my business last year, I knew it was time to move on. For five years those women functioned as a lifeline for me, and I miss them! Today, I’m making a pact with myself to schedule a lunch with one or two of them. I love learning from people who are different from me in every way—stage of life, type of work, hobbies, or worldview.

Entropy will always play a role in our lives. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, creativity is often born from chaos.

Albert Einstein’s Desk on the day he died.

See what I mean?

Want more good stuff?

Insignificance: The Battle to Stay Relevant

Our Work

Few people have ever heard of American inventor Maria Beasley.

This incredible engineer successfully marketed at least 15 inventions, including a foot warmer, an anti-derailment device for trains, and a barrel-making machine that resulted in an estimated income of $20,000 a year at a time when most working women earned $3 a day. That income is the equivalent of more than $450,000 today!

But in 1880, she dreamed up her greatest accomplishment of all: a life raft that would be compact, safe, fire-proof and of course, easily accessed. By changing the style of the floats, she created a raft that could be folded for storage but unfolded quickly in an emergency. To say Beasley revolutionized water safety is an understatement. One such ship that stocked her lifeboats was the infamous RMS Titanic. Though the ship had too few lifeboats to begin with, the 20 lifeboats the ship did carry saved some 700 passengers.

Despite Beasley’s amazing accomplishments, however, the attitudes of her time are still obvious:

In the 1880 US Census, Beasley was listed as an "unemployed housewife."

What about all those inventions? What about her massive income? What about all those lives she saved?

I’m only guessing here, but I wonder if she ever felt like all that work didn’t even matter? Like just because she was a woman her work was irrelevant?

More scary than being irrelevant, however, is a sinking feeling of insignificance.

I’ve been thinking about insignificance for the past three years. About how we feel it, repress it, squash it, and overcome it.

Like many people during the pandemic, I found myself binge-watching the Great British Baking Show, and unfortunately it’s given me a bit of over-confidence in the kitchen. On any given Saturday, you might find me tackling a batch of cinnamon rolls or spreading a swiss cake roll with filling. Believe it or not, you can go from “this looks delicious” to “oh my, what a disaster” in an instant.

There’s a difference between baking soda and baking powder, between granulated sugar and powdered sugar, between vegetable oil and vegetable shortening. At first glance, these small discrepancies might seem insignificant, but I’m here to tell you that making any one of these mistakes will cost you dearly.

No ingredient or instruction is insignificant when it comes to baking.

And as we enter new seasons of adulthood, we begin to believe the lie that we, too, are insignificant—either we’re too young, or we’re too old, or we don’t have the right kind of experience. We believe our career, hobbies, clothing choices, or blog posts (😳) are insignificant. No one cares about the work we do. We don’t get the appreciation or recognition we deserve.

It can be downright embarrassing.

But we know in our heart of hearts that insignificance is a lie. We do matter. Our work is important.

Some things never go out of style.

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1.Wisdom

Do you love to learn new things? Do you find that people often ask your advice? There’s an old adage that says, “Common sense isn’t common.” Good character and unexpected opportunities often go hand-in-hand. Wisdom says go slowly when everything around you wants to speed up. Wisdom holds knowledge loosely, recognizing that conscience and character matter more than worldly success or fame.

Questions to ponder: What is the harder choice I’m avoiding? How will today’s difficulties shape my character?

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2. Experience

Whether you are young or simply young at heart, you have experiences that have surely shaped the way you view the world and your place in it. Experience is never wasted, and God can use it all. Your experience might be just the story somebody needs to hear right now. You probably discovered some things that worked. And a lot of things that didn’t. That’s okay. That’s how experience prepares us for what’s next.

Questions to ponder: If life is a game, what are some of the rules? What’s one thing you regret not doing?

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3. Connections

Nearly every interesting opportunity I’ve ever had has been the result of a connection made on my behalf. Never be afraid to share your dreams. I used to think that people wanted to steal my ideas. News flash: People want to help you with your ideas! Think about the people you know. Who can you introduce? Who needs to know about someone else’s interesting project? Introduce people whose needs match another person’s strengths. Give people a sense of empowerment and watch them grow.

Questions to ponder: What connections are you choosing not to see? Who’s had the biggest impact on the person you’ve become?

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4. Resources

I used to think the only resources that mattered were the ones with dollar signs attached to them, but now I know that resources come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. As we get older, we usually do have more money, especially if we’ve made good choices when we were younger, but more importantly we often have more time on our hands. My kids no longer need at-home round-the-clock supervision, which means I have more free time to devote to causes I care about. Remember when I used to wistfully say, “One day….”? That day is here.

Questions to ponder: If you could choose any new skill to learn, what would it be? Have you ever thought about giving people not what they need most, but what they need first?

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5. Empathy

Have you ever been disappointed? Sad? Frustrated? To sit with someone in the midst of their pain is a rare gift. Brene Brown, the foremost expert on empathy, says this:

“It may be a small thing, but I can’t think of a single social problem in the culture that cannot in part be healed by: A change of heart, a willingness to get humble, a transformed spirit, a shifted mindset, and a long hard look in the mirror.”

— Brene Brown

Questions to ponder: How can I be a better listener? Who do i want to become during this uncertain time?

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Want to stay relevant?

I’m not going to tell you to immerse yourself in cool music or wear cool clothes. Those things only make you look relevant. If you want to be relevant, you need to first acknowledge the significance of your time here on earth. I hate to break it to you, but it’s temporary. Every single minute counts. Don’t leave with regrets.

Significance is right in front of you. You may not ever have a portfolio of inventions, but that doesn’t mean your work doesn’t have value. So much of who we are is all in our perspective. But it’s also in our experience. Maria Beasley probably wouldn’t have had the idea for her foot warmer without having once experienced the agony of cold feet. How could she have dreamed up her innovative life raft if she had never actually been on a boat?

You’re never too old to try new things, meet new people, or learn new skills. And maybe as you ponder some of the questions in this post, you, too, will realize that you don’t need to overthink the big questions, for in doing so it’s easy to overlook the small (yet very worthwhile) answers, the logical next steps for creating a life we love.

I want to leave you with one more story.

It’s the tale of Elizabeth Van Lew, a Southern abolitionist and a Union spy during the American civil war. She sent valuable intelligence to Union officers, provided food and medicine to prisoners of war and helped plan their escapes, and ran her own network of spies. She would pay dearly for this activity; ultimately it cost her her place as a member of Richmond’s social elite. In her old age, having lost nearly everyone who was dear to her, the local newspaper printed her obituary.

“They say I am dead? Well, I am not, but I am very feeble and sick. My heart is heavy, and I am sad. My hours are lonely and long.”

After years of manic work, at the end she found herself feeling insignificant and irrelevant. If you believed the local news, she was as good as dead. Poor Elizabeth—to feel so sick and sad and lonely.

Have you been there, too?

For some of us, we’ll never know what hangs in the balance of our decision to do the right thing, the next best thing. History teaches us it’s normal to feel like we don’t matter, especially when the public fails to recognize our efforts.

Today Van Lew’s memorial stone reads:

“She risked everything that is dear to man—friends—fortune—comfort—health—life itself—all for the one absorbing desire of her heart—that slavery might be abolished and union preserved.”

Isn’t that beautiful? I feel inspired even now. What a legacy!

And like Elizabeth van Lew, Maria Beasley was also vindicated. Today, you’ll find her profession listed as “Engineer and Inventor.”

And maybe one day, mine will read “Professional Baker.” (Wait. Who am I kidding??? 😂😂😂)

Only time will tell.

As our senior pastor Andy Stanley says, “The men and women who make a difference in the world are the ones who act and react when they see and hear something that’s not right.”

What’s not right in your world right now? Could you be the one to make a difference in that space?

The only way to know is to begin. A small beginning marks the first step to a lasting legacy.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.”

— Zachariah 4:10

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Apathy: What to do When Work Feels Meaningless

First, let’s talk about work.

In Physics, work is force x displacement. The formula looks like this:

W=F(s)

In life, work is the energy we devote to making a difference in our homes, businesses, or communities.

But when we feel like we’re devoting a lot of energy with little or no return on that investment, the work feels meaningless. We begin to wonder if the work we’re doing is making a difference at all. And when we’re the ones who feel displaced, something is terribly wrong.

The pandemic has exacerbated our felt need for meaningful work by shifting focus (and resources) to essential frontline workers.

If you’re not an essential worker, your business might have taken a real hit this year. Many people experienced layoffs, furloughs, and resource allocations.

It seems like everyone these days is thinking about work—how to get a job, keep a job, or make their job impervious to future challenges.

I get it.

Even though I’m “just” a mom, I’ve been getting questions about work my whole life.

“What do you do?” I’m often asked. Or sometimes, this one, masked with politeness, “Do you work outside the home?”

The repetitive nature of household work combined with a feeling that your value is being taken for granted every single day can make even the most doting mom feel apathetic.

Parenting is like taking a ride on an emotional roller coaster. One second you’re on top of the world. The next, you’re in the pits of despair. Exhilarating highs and sorrowful lows eventually bring on emotional fatigue.

Emotional fatigue takes a toll, and the result isn’t pretty; it’s apathy—that sinking feeling that everything is meaningless.

I never thought of myself as an apathetic person, even though I did use phrases like “I couldn’t care less” and “Whatever” a lot as a teenager.

That was pretend.

I was just acting like I didn’t care, when in fact I cared very much—about everything—but I wrongly assumed that looking cool had something to do with giving off an air of aloofness.

Eye rolls, hair flips, and sighing were all just part of the act.

Real apathy—I didn’t experience that until I became a mom.

It’s bad manners not to tell mothers they have the most important job on earth, but given what’s actually practiced, it is hard for mothers to believe this is true.

My friend Jen once told me, “It’s not hard to be a mom; it’s hard to be a mom in a world that doesn’t value motherhood.”

The writer of Ecclesiastes felt this way, too.

“Yet when I survey all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”

— Ecclesiastes 2:11

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A recent article in the Harvard Business Review aptly titled “What to do When Work Feels Meaningless” outlines some helpful strategies, which include empowering yourself with small actions, participating in something called “job crafting” and imagining a more purposeful future.

Let’s simplify.

Whenever you begin to dread the work you’re doing, you need to ask yourself two questions:

1) What do I want most?

This question is important because it acts like a gauge for assessing if where we are is serving as stepping stone or a stumbling block to helping us get where we want to be. Also—and this cannot be discounted—we can inadvertently sabotage our own future by prioritizing what we want now over what we want most or even by refusing to think about what we want at all. Both are choices, and both can be dangerous.

2) And why am I doing this?

WHY might be my very favorite question of all time. It’s the one two year-olds ask when told it’s time for bed. Heck, it’s the one two year-olds ask when we tell them anything. But just because we’re all grown up doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ask why. We should NEVER, ever stop asking this question.

As Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, so aptly mused, “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”

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“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.’””

— Viktor Frankl

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Learning to make meaning from our life stories may be the most indispensable but least understood skill of our time. Paul Wong, a meaning researcher in Toronto, calls meaning making “the best kept secret to the greatest human adventure.” (Adapted from Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler)

Humans have a unique ability to live in the present while simultaneously remembering the past and envisioning the future. Being able to do this gives us a real-time view of the over-arching theme of our lives.

When I realized what I wanted my life to look like, I was able to craft a story I could live with.

I know what you must be thinking: What do you do when you realize the life you envisioned doesn’t match the one you’re living? When the friend dies or the kids haven’t met your expectations or the husband walked out on you?

The only way to survive suffering is to find meaning in it.

The. Only. Way.

Frankl also said, “Our need for meaning is greatest when life is harshest.”

We must bring our own meaning to the story we’re living.

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The Role of Imagination, Discipline, and Gratitude

1. Imagine your preferred future. Make an effort to stay connected to whatever work you gave up. I studied Biology in college. Although I may never work as a scientist, I recently subscribed to Scientific American Magazine. The articles are interesting, and every month I’m inspired to think about the world’s problems in new, creative ways. Problems I can actually do something about! Small steps in the direction of our dreams prepare us for what’s next.

2. Discipline yourself. We can wake up every morning obsessing over all the things that have to be done—the minutiae that preoccupies our waking hours—or we can decide that today is the day we do something different. When I was a young mom with small children, I often woke up tired. Before my feet hit the floor, I would already be dreaming of how I could squeeze in a nap later in the day. This attitude set me up for disappointment. Sometimes I got the nap, but often I didn’t, so not only was I tired…but also frustrated. And worse—I didn’t get anything done! Decide what you will do today and make a plan for getting something done. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just a “some”thing.

3. Practice gratitude. Give thanks for the work you’ve been given. The work of your hands is never offered in vain. Remember, no work (no matter how small) is ever wasted. Your perspective makes all the difference. I can grumble about the things that annoy me (i.e. unloading the dishwasher for the 100th time) or give thanks for the opportunity to serve my family.

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Above all else, remember that the story you’re living doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. Jealousy is counterfeit flattery. It’s an insult to everything that person has experienced, suffered, worked for, and failed at.

“And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”

— Ecclesiastes 4:4

The work you do is important for the sole reason that it belongs to you.

Want more good stuff?

Tune in next week for Part 3 of our series: We’ll be talking about Insignificance and the battle to stay relevant.

Don’t miss a thing!

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What Does it Mean to be a Mission Driven Woman?

I started Mission Driven Woman in 2018, in response to the behavior I was seeing in my friends’ lives. Educated, well-connected women were struggling to communicate their value in a world that shrugs off motherhood. They told themselves that duty called and then expressed regret over the talent and skills that suddenly seemed dormant, if not dead.

But we all know that dormant doesn’t mean dead.

In plants, dormancy is closely associated with environmental conditions. Some grasses go dormant in winter in order to conserve water and nutrients. Scientifically speaking, dormancy describes a state of quiet rest.

Do I even have to tell you about all the studies that have been done touting the importance of both quiet and rest?

Funny thing: I’ve yet to meet a mother who gets to enjoy an abundance of QUIET or REST.

You know what that means? We’re not dormant!

I think women go through a process of transformation akin to something that’s common in the insect world: holometabolism. You probably know it as metamorphosis. Insects such as butterflies, beetles, and bees undergo this common and complicated form of maturation.

Inside the cocoon of a butterfly, for example, the caterpillar is broken down and turned into something new. A caterpillar disintegrates from the inside out, using digestive juices to literally consume its own body. The new cells it creates are called imaginal cells, and imaginal cells are undifferentiated cells that can become any type of cell!

Anything at all! IMAGINE that!

Isn’t that what we’re doing when we take a break to build our family and raise kids?

We think we’re going to seed (aka dormant), when the reality is we’re transforming (holometabolizing) by creating our very own imaginal cells.

My Mom’s Story

My own mother got married young by today’s standards. She was only 19. At 22, she got pregnant with me and dropped out of college. I had two brothers born a few years later. Our family was very traditional. Mom stayed home and did all the cooking and cleaning, and my dad went away to work. Then when I was in high school, my mom got a job too: She began driving a school bus. And I don’t know, but maybe there were some people who said, “Man, that’s what happens when you don’t finish college.”

Why do you think she did that? Got that job? Do you think it was because it was the only job she could get?

Trust me—she didn’t drive the school bus because that’s all she could do. She drove it because it was one of the choices available to her in that season of life.

Hard choices require us to access our values.

My mom drove the bus so she could have the flexible schedule of someone who worked for the school system. She drove the bus so our family could have access to health insurance while my dad transitioned into new work that would challenge him in new ways and also afford our family additional opportunities for both education and recreation.

Then, in 2000, with her kids finally all grown up and graduated from high school, my mom started a new adventure in a response to a problem my dad shared with her. At the time, he was a lobbyist for a trade association of child welfare organizations, and during the legislative season, he spent the majority of his day tracking down government notices at the state Capitol.

Together, they created an electronic tracking system that freed up time and space at the Capitol for not only my dad, but all lobbyists. This technology did not exist before my parents created it! Now my dad is retired, and my mom still runs the business, adding new clients and continuing to innovate every year for a more streamlined process.

I’m quite certain my mom didn’t lay on the grass as a little girl, stare up at the clouds, and daydream about being a lobbyist.

But one thing I do know: She did have dreams.

And no one but her will ever know “what might have been.”

Nothing Wasted

Don’t let what might have been haunt you. No experience is ever wasted. We get to take our dreams as inspiration, then use our very own “imaginal cells” to turn what’s in our brains into something usable and totally brand new.

We live in a time of incredible prosperity and creativity, when it’s entirely possible to create brand news ways not only of earning money but of serving the world.

Ask yourself: Who do I want to become during this uncertain time? In this season, what choices are available to me?

For many women who dreamed of becoming something different than what they are today, the future can feel hopeless because the present is tinged with loneliness, apathy, and insignificance.

I don’t want that for you.

Remember: a season is just a season. All living things go through periods that feel like death.

Renewal awaits.

This week, look out for three short blog posts that are all about combating those feelings inadequacy. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Know someone who needs this encouraging message today? Please feel free to forward to a friend!

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When You Want to be an Expert (at everything)

I don’t visit LinkedIn very often because technically I don’t have a “real” job, but every once in awhile I like to see what all the cool kids are doing. The other day, I was reading a post penned by a former neighbor that was all about supply chain logistics, and I’ll have to be honest—I didn’t understand a word of it.

“Gosh, this is over my head!” I said to my husband.

He just looked at me blankly.

“What?” I shrugged my shoulders. “It is. I don’t understand a word he’s saying.”

“That ‘s okay,” he said. “You’re not supposed to understand it. Supply chain logistics isn’t what you do. It’s not ‘over your head.’ And it doesn’t mean you’re not smart; It’s just outside your realm of knowledge.”

Your realm of knowledge.

And of course he was right.

We can’t be expected to know everything. But I’m an Enneagram 5, and my natural tendency is to want to know everything about everything. In fact, when I discovered this book, I thought all my dreams were coming true.

How Not to be Wrong

But there’s real freedom is focusing only on the things you do know. After all, I’d venture to say you’d probably add more value to the world by becoming an expert at one thing than by knowing a little bit about a bunch of different things.

I’ve been doing a lot of research these last two years on women and work—how it evolves over a lifetime and how we grow and change in the midst of it. It’s easy to get sidetracked by all the other cool things there are to learn about, but all those things are just distractions from the one thing I really want to deep dive.

If you could become an expert on just one thing this year, what would it be?

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Jump in the Mud Puddle

People tend to describe me as more of a half-glass-full type of person, but even I can admit: these last few months have dragged. Long weeks of depressing news have been interrupted by short bursts of fun, but even I’m having a hard time staying positive when I don’t know how long this current reality will go on.

I’ve noticed among my friends this sort of collective sorrow. I wouldn’t describe it as depression, but it’s like the earth let out one big sigh.

And so I’ll admit it: I’m jealous of the children. For children, everything is novel and new, and the world fills them with joy. I would like to find that kind of joy. It shouldn’t be hard, actually. We all know someone who brings out the kid in us. Just watching a kid do something he/she loves can make us smile. And how many of us have had one of those experiences where we are reminded of ourselves as a kid?

Just recently, I saw that old Tootsie pop commercial on TV—the one with the owl who has to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie pop. Just thirty quick seconds brought back of flood of happy memories of me watching cartoons and eating sugary cereal in front of the TV on Saturday mornings while my parents slept.

My son plays soccer, and a few weeks ago I attended a game after a big rain. There were mud puddles everywhere, and there was this one kid wearing rain boots and just having the grandest time. I tiptoes around the mud puddles as I walked into the game, but that kid lifted his knees high and stomped right through them. He splashed and giggled like it was the most fun he had ever had in his life.

And it made me laugh, too, because I have to be honest: I would have loved to jump in that mud puddle.

But of course I was wearing my good jeans, and I didn’t want to ruin my shoes and the thought of driving home wet and muddy, not to mention how silly I would look—a grown woman playing in the mud puddle. Imagine!

You can guess what I did. I talked myself out of it.

That’s what adults do. We talk ourselves out of things—thinking of all the ways something won’t work or why it doesn’t make sense or how silly we’ll look doing it.

And then we wonder where all the joy went.

Brian Sutton-Smith, the pre-eminent voice in play theory, has a lot to say about the benefits of play. In fact, he’s quoted by a lot of other mental health pioneers, including the well-respected modern behavior scientist Brene Brown. Sutton-Smith was the first to say that the opposite of play isn’t work; it’s depression.

“The opposite of play isn’t work; it’s depression.”

— Brian Sutton-Smith

If you’re feeling down in the dumps, maybe the solution is easier than you think.

Maybe you just need to jump in a mud puddle.

And also, maybe we need to shift the way we see the mud puddles in front of us.

To a kid, a mud puddle is an opportunity—something to be embraced.
To an adult, a mud puddle is a hazard—something to be avoided.

Perspective is everything. And the good thing about mud puddles is that they are neither half full nor half empty.

If a glass of water is invitation to drink, a mud puddle is simply an invitation to play.

For more information on the benefits of play, you can watch these Ted Talks:

The Decline of Play: this one explores the link between the decline of play and the rise of depression and anxiety in adolescents and young adults.

Play Helps us Grow at Any Age: This one is just 12 minutes and will demonstrate how play can help you deal with the hard stuff of life.

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Is it True the Best Things Come to Those Who Wait?

Imagination flourishes in the margins of our lives.

It’s a magical time when anything can be.

If you can dream it, you can do it.
The best things come to those who wait.
Ah, and patience is a virtue.

These are the clichés we all know by heart.

But the reality is that waiting can be hard.

Right this very minute, I’m dreaming of a beach vacation that’s still eight (EIGHT!) months away. Just thinking about the sun on my face brings a smile to my lips. Despite the fact we’re barely out of summer here in Georgia and the leaves here are only just beginning to make the seasonal transition from deepest green to radiant hues of orange and red, I’m imagining the sand between my toes, warm waves lapping at my feet.

Hopeful anticipation brings light to my soul.

Our family has been going to the same resort town for more than a decade. One year, it rained almost the entire time. Not only that, but one of my kids came down with a weird infection which required frequent sheet-washing. Another child, deep in the throes of potty training, tortured us all with her frantic, immediate urges, and one child suffered a short, but potent bout of food poisoning.

Sounds terrible, right?

The best part of that trip was definitely the months I spent looking forward to it.

We didn’t take many family vacations when I was a kid, so instead of dreaming about island getaways, I fantasized about what was for dinner and the cartoons I was going to record on my VCR on Saturday mornings. These things came and went like clockwork. I could count on them.

Then I grew up, became responsible for making my own dinner and discovered the real meaning of the phrase “working for the weekend.” I began a new season of waiting for things like “the one” and tuning my ear to “my calling,” both of which seemed very big and grownup and kind of scary. But kind of fun too.

Waiting suddenly became more than just ticking off the minutes on my bedside clock. My soul carried the full weight of an unknown future, but it was a future bright with possibility.

Back then, I was young and there’s a lot of grace when you’re just starting out on your own and trying to figure things out.

“You’ve got time,” everybody said.

And I did.

But now I’m in my 40s, and everybody kind of already assumes I have it all figured out, so being thrust into the throes of waiting causes a knee-jerk reaction to—how should I say this—PANIC.

Time is not on my side.

But I don’t want to wallow in the wait. Although waiting is hard, waiting can also be good.

What if I anticipated what’s next in my life with the same expectant joy I approach my summer vacation? What if the waiting was the best part of what’s next?

Just because I have to be patient doesn’t mean I’m paralyzed.

June will be here before I know it. And my dreams aren’t passive. We’re saving up for this trip. I’m exercising everyday to prepare my body for swimsuit season. The kids have already analyzed the floor plan of the house where we’ll stay and negotiated the logistics of who’s sleeping where. This is the vacation I anticipate all year, so when June finally rolls around I want to be ready.

One week at the beach is a very small thing compared to that next big career step or decision to abandon what’s comfortable to do something other people might think is crazy. The tension of the in-between is an important time of preparation.

It can also be a time of hopeful anticipation.

I’m reminded of a verse in Zechariah, which brings me great comfort, even though these words were not said directly to me: “Do not despise this small beginning, for the eyes of the Lord rejoice to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel (Zechariah 4:10).” 

Indeed, these are the days that will prepare us for a new day.

• If we could re-frame what it means to wait, how would that change our attitude in the midst of it?

• Would we be better equipped to accept what comes, whether it’s what we want or simply what’s next?

• Could we learn to embrace the in-between?

Everybody I know is either waiting on something or waiting for something. Perhaps, like me, you’re hopeful of a new day. Or maybe you’re overwhelmed with a terrible, soul-crushing pain you think will never end. Maybe you feel hopeless about what’s next. Maybe you’re ambivalent because the wait has been longer than you anticipated, and you’re just…tired. You feel like there’s somebody on the other end of an invisible phone cord saying,

“Thank you for your patience. Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to me.”

You’re frustrated because right now seems so much better than five months from now.

Or five years from now.

Or five decades from now.

But if we got everything we wanted right now, we’d miss all that growth that comes from working hard in the midst of what’s in the middle—what’s between the before and after.

“Thank you for your patience. Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to me.”

Stay the course.

Wouldn’t you love to be able to one day say,

“THIS was worth the wait.”

Want more good stuff?

Sign up for my newest 52 week series. It’s all about Identity, something I’m still figuring out. Every week I’ll share a short, inspirational post about something I’ve learned about self-discovery, a Biblical truth I’ve found helpful, and a question or two to help you find clarity, too. You can get it here.

Three Things That Will Change Your Perspective About Work

“In truth, whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well; and nothing can be done well without attention.”

— Philip Dormer Stanhope

This quote is familiar to me, though the person who said it is not. Philip Dormer Stanhope was an 18th century British statesman. chiefly remembered as the author of Letters to His Son and Letters to His Godson, which are comprehensive guides to manners, the art of pleasing, and the art of worldly success. (I have never read them).

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, though, Stanhope’s painstaking advice fell on deaf ears: his son was known for being a misbehaving hooligan, and his godson was remembered for having “as little good breeding as any man I ever met.”

I’ll admit I’ve often been the recipient of well-intentioned advice I chose not to take. Sometimes the advice I did take turned out to be the wrong kind of advice. And sometimes—though this is rare—I wish somebody had given me more advice. I could have used it!

Like why didn’t anybody tell me it probably wasn’t a good idea to major in Biology in college?

My husband always says it’s futile to ask our friends for advice because they’re all just as dumb as we are.

No offense, friends.

So take this next bit of wisdom for what it’s worth. Friend to friend. Luckily, hindsight is 20/20.

MYTH: You need more education, skills, experience, and connections to make it in your industry.

TRUTH: You are uniquely equipped for the work you are doing.

Education, skills, experience, and connections are good, and of course you should work towards acquiring them, but don’t WAIT to acquire them before you begin work. Preparation is overrated. You’ll never feel like you’re ready. Just begin. You’ll be surprised about how easily all those things you think you need fall into place once you begin taking steps in the direction of the work you want to do.

There’s a story in Judges about a man named Gideon who God called to save Israel out of Midian. In the story, Gideon asks God to prove his presence three times. He doesn’t understand why God called him, the “least in his family,” to strike down the Midianites. Gideon feels weak, inadequate, unqualified, and ill equipped. In the midst of this crisis of character, “The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?” (emphasis mine).–Judges 6:14 Like Gideon, I have often felt weak, inadequate, unqualified, and ill equipped. And when I do, this is the verse I replay over and over in my head. “Go in the strength you have….”

In the beginning, that’s where your responsibility lies.

MYTH: If it’s meant to be, it’ll be easy.

TRUTH: If you’re doing your work well, it will be challenging—in a good way!

Tom Morkes (influence blogger and founder of the “Pay What You Want” method) said “doing anything well takes time…A lot of time…And a lot of sacrifice…And a lot of struggle…And a lot of small or insignificant progress…And a lot of time failing…and the rest of the time feeling like a failure.”

Preach it, Tom!

I think there’s a misconception that if we’re doing work we love, then the work should be easy. Fun. Profitable. Even popular.

In 2014, my friend Ginny and I launched a nonprofit called Forever We. Creative entrepreneurs often describe their work as an affront against the Enemy (a.k.a. the Resistance with a capital R.) And it’s true: Work, according to my old Physics textbook, is the exertion of force OVERCOMING resistance.

(For more on that concept, read the War of Art by Steven Pressfield.)

For five years, Forever We felt like one long uphill battle, but I never—not once—felt like it wasn’t work worth doing. So much resistance. So much sacrifice. So much disappointment. So much joy.

And so much growth.

Even now, more than a year after ending it, I will occasionally receive a note from someone who was touched by the work we did. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

And it was worth it.

MYTH: You can control the future with a tight fist.

TRUTH: The only way to live is open-handed. 

Ten years ago, I bought this little iron paperweight that rests on the desk in my office. It’s shaped like a pair of open hands and functions as a small altar that reminds me I am but a steward of all that’s been entrusted to me. An open hand can give as well as it can receive. Ironically, just last month, the shop where I purchased that small paperweight gave me one of the most generous gifts I have ever received. Every time I look at the little pair of hands, I feel a nudge in my heart to give thanks. We often don’t know what good will come from the work we do, but if we’re open-handed with the results, blessings abound.

I read recently that a job is what you do, but your work is who you are. I’ve had many “jobs” over the course of my life, some life-giving and some that made me feel like I was drowning. All that time, though, I was becoming something. Open-handed with the good and the bad. With the things I wanted to do and the things I had to do.

BONUS:

The best advice I ever received about work was this:

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

— Colossians 3:23

So many people think about jobs and work as the same thing. They’re not. A job is just a way to make money. A job is all about us and what we think we’re worth—as if that “work ” we’re doing was made for us instead of the other way around.

THE TRUTH IS WE WERE MADE FOR WORK.

Work worth doing points people to heaven. It’s not about us. It never was.

Want more good stuff?

What the Future Can Tell You About Your Identity

Complete this sentence:

The future is____________________.

What word did you use?

Good?
Scary?
Uncertain?
Bright?
Wild?

I used to peer into mirrors like they were crystal balls, like if I stared long enough and studied myself hard enough maybe I would discover some kind of clue as to the person I would someday become.

But the future isn’t a mirror. A mirror reflects back what you are, what is, what’s real and what’s present.

When I look into a mirror, I see myself exactly as I am. (I see you, gray hair.)

Did you know that the way we define ourselves is actually based on our view, not of our PRESENT, but of our FUTURE?

So it would be impossible to see my future in the mirror. The future, then, must be more like a window. It’s that place you see in the distance, and long for, even though you’re sitting inside and maybe can’t go out for awhile.

What do you believe about what’s ahead?

If you think the world is going to hell in a handbasket, if you are afraid there’s no future for either you or your children, or if you feel stuck in a repetitive cycle of sameness, your future probably does look bleak.

According to organizational psychologist and author, Benjamin Hardy, humans are different from other animals in that we can consciously imagine different future possibilities.

Your identity actually comes from your view of the future.

You know why losses are so devastating? Because you had already imagined the future. It’s why that miscarriage was so hard. That divorce was so painful. That job loss was a punch in the gut. You imagined a growing child, a healthy marriage, a fulfilling career. What happened? “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be!” you cry.

And you’d be right.

Some of us dread the future.
And some of us dream of a new future.

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.”

— Anonymous

I love thinking about the future me, the person I want to be. During my year of Mission Driven Woman interviews, it was one of just three questions I asked those I interviewed.

“Tell me about the future you,” I’d say. “Who do you want to be? How do you want people to describe you?”

Identity is kind of a funny thing because as a Christian, I believe our identity is found in God, and since God is already in the future, then YES! That makes sense! Our identity IS the future !

The Bible lists all these examples of God leading people to places he’s already been and knows well.

Genesis 24:7: “…he will send his angel before you…”

Exodus 32:34: “…lead the people to the place I spoke of, and my angel will go before you.”

Joshua 23:5: “…He will drive them out before you, and you will take possession of their land, as the Lord your God promised you.”

Isaiah 45:2: I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. 

Isaiah 52:12: “But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God Israel will be your rear guard.”

Psalms 89:14: “…love and faithfulness go before you…”

Psalms 139:5: You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. 

You know what’s interesting about all these examples? The people described were a lot more interested in the person they were following than the people who were following them.

(Take a second and think about that one.)😉

And suddenly, here I am, understanding that even though I don’t know what the future holds, God does. And that has to be enough. Because from this vantage point, the future can be wild and uncertain, but wild and uncertain in the context of God’s kingdom means something totally different than it does here on earth. Here, wild and uncertain are scary, but in heaven the wild and uncertain places are the places where God lives.

If your identity is in your future and your future is in God, then you don’t need to worry about what’s next. You can have confidence that every tiny step you take in the direction of your future is exactly where you’re supposed to be, especially if you’re following in the footsteps of the one who is already there.

Today, I found a birthday card among the doo-dads in my desk drawer. It was from my investment advisor, and I almost tossed it aside, but the words inscribed on the card made me pause because I was just about to hit “publish” on this post, when I read:

“May the best of your past be the worst of your future.”

The most successful people are able to look at the reality of their lives and imagine a new future—different, yes, but still good—but only if they believe that God is good.

That core belief is the foundation of my own identity. If God is good, then he doesn’t make mistakes. And no experience, however painful or unwelcome, is ever wasted.

In January of 2020, our hearts swelled with the expectation and the joy of the new decade. The energy was palpable! We all felt hopeful and excited, but as one thing after another either got canceled or postponed, we found our spirits plummet.

We didn’t see this coming.

But God did.

And I find comfort now in knowing that I am not and will never be defined by what is, but rather by what could be.

The scariest thing about turning over an unknown future to a known God is that it means I have to give up control. The funny thing is I never actually had any control anyway.

In other words, who I am is not found in where I am but rather in the great I AM.

The future is__________________________.

Want more good stuff?

Here’s a list of books I’ve found helpful in this season:

Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby—My favorite book this year for learning how to discern God’s voice in my life.

Love or Work by Andre and Jeff Shinabarger—Authors ask the question, “Is it possible to work with purpose, stay in love, and raise a healthy family--all at the same time?”

The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath—These two brothers also wrote Switch and Made to Stick, but I especially loved this one because it made me think about how I can make even the most ordinary things in life feel extra special.

Catching Thoughts by Bonnie Clark—This book was written for kids, but I think the message applies to us grownups too! You know what they say about thoughts:

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

— Lao Tzu

The Homemaker's Dilemma

Is the Covid-19 pandemic the “biggest setback for women in decades?”

According to writer, Jessica Valenti, the answer is yes. She asserts that Covid-19 has assured that women are “forced back into the domestic sphere” and that “there’s no progress for women if we’re kept from the public sphere.” (Emphasis mine)

And this is the problem I’ve always had with feminism:

That women’s empowerment equals work outside the home, that we have continued to define our worth in terms of what it means to be a man. And what it means to be a man, evidently, is work that has nothing to do with kids, cooking, or cleaning.

As if escaping that particular domestic prison will somehow free us from years of virtual slavery. “We were made for more!” we chant. “We want equality!” we scream.

The truth is you were made for more, and equality is a worthy ambition.

Absolutely.
A hearty YES.
To all of it.

But before you throw aside “home,” let’s take a look at it from a different point of view.

G.K. Chesterton (who also has one of my favorite quotes about motherhood), said this about home:

“The place where babies are born, where men die, where the drama of mortal life is acted, is not an office or a shop or a bureau. It is something much smaller in size and much larger in scope. And while nobody would be such a fool as to pretend that it is the only place where people should work, or even the only place where women should work, it has a character of unity and universality that is not found in any of the fragmentary experiences of the division of labour.”

Home might be a humble place to be, but it is huge in the way that it shapes the human heart. In fact, home has often been described as the place we long for—more than where we’re from or where we lay our heads at night—it is the place that brings us the most joy.

The Beginning

And I think that’s why the very first thing God ever did—before he created Adam and Eve—was prepare a home for them. He made it both functional and beautiful, and it was all for them. And then maybe you noticed, too, in the New Testament, in the book of John that Jesus is described as the “Word made flesh who made his dwelling among us.” (John 1:14)

His dwelling!
In US!

And when John the Baptist’s disciples met Jesus for the first time, they said, “‘Rabbi, where are you staying?’
’Come,’ he replied, ‘and you will see.’
So they went and saw where he was staying, and they spent that day with him.” (John 1:38-39)

I hope that Covid-19 doesn’t prove to be the biggest setback for women in decades.

I hope that men do step up to the plate and pitch in. It truly does take a village to raise a child, and lately we’ve found our village shrinking, so all the moms, dads, brothers and sisters, are carrying a larger load than normal. I, too, have noticed that the division of labor is not equal.

YET.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re not getting there.

While the pandemic may set women back in terms of work outside the home, I do believe that inside the home, they are being appreciated more than ever before. Women were, are, and will continue to be the quintessential essential worker.

Hands down.

Women with side hustles and women who are building businesses once their children have reached school-age are doing everything they can to do to keep it together—and more. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we’re capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.

Remember that G.K. Chesterton quote about our homes? Here’s what he said about motherhood:

“How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe?
How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No. A woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”

The Truth

I think the pandemic has given us all a chance to reflect on where we are and what we truly want our lives to look like. In fact, I have a friend who is a Vice President at a large national corporation. Before the pandemic she was often getting up at 5:00 AM and heading out on a plane for a week of meetings at various venues. Since March, she’s been working exclusively from home and hasn’t traveled at all. You know what she told me? She said that home has always been her safe place. She has always loved walking in the door after being gone all week. “I’m home,” she’d breathe as she crossed the threshold and her family embraced her. “Now,” she says, “I’m getting more sleep. I’m not exhausted all the time. I’m reading more books, and instead of spending free time planning for the next presentation, I’m exercising and making memories with my girls. I love being home. It’s the best place in the world.”

Perhaps one day soon she’ll be back on a plane. She’s a talented executive, after all, and her income allows their family some pretty sweet perks—like a backyard pool, private school, and several vacations a year.

But my friend knows that home is lovely, too.

And yet we continue to strive and climb and claw our way out of our comfortable homes in search of something—I don’t know what—as if we’re wasting our lives if we choose to do anything other than what’s commonly referred to as “men’s work.”

You want respect? Be proud of the world you’ve created for your family. Who says you’re wasting anything?

Instead of complaining about the unfair balance, what if instead you patted yourself on the back, because you know you’re not only capable but also thriving in this new world?

Men vs. Women

Study after study has shown that women are able to juggle more than men. They don’t compartmentalize ideas and tasks, but are more like a computer in that can keep many tabs open at once. With brains that are more symmetrical than those of men, the two sides are able to “talk” to one another. Additionally, women experience emotions on a deeper level, which is helpful in how women relate and respond to the myriad new challenges being thrown at us right now.

I wholeheartedly do agree with so many things about the women’s movement. I’m for equal pay for equal work, and I’m against discrimination and sexual harassment in the workplace.

But I often wonder—if values like homemaking, cooking, and caring for children were prized in society for what they really are—beautiful ways to honor our families and strengthen the ties that bind us—would more women endeavor to do it? If we gave homemaking the honor it deserves, would more women proudly declare their status as “just a mom”? Is the thing in us that makes us want more the very thing that makes us feel like we’re less?

“The fastest way to kill something special is to compare it to something else.”

— Craig Groeschel

Please, just stop it.
Stop comparing yourself to men.

C.S. Lewis said,

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

One day, you will enter a home that will satisfy all your earthly longings.

Until that day, my friend, keep going. You are doing a good work.

And we know that’s true because Jesus even said, “My father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?” (John 14:2)

Home Sweet Home.

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The Best Job in the World

How’s it going over there?

I’m sure I’m not the only one who's been thinking about our current situation -- managing the day to day, adjusting to our new normal, and taking care while staying sane. 

I’ve been thinking about you too - and how so many of you let me know you’re barely holding it together.

If the family is clothed and fed, you probably feel a little bit like Wonder Woman. And that might be because there’s no such thing anymore as a day job and a side gig. All the gigs have squished together like a 90s mosh pit.

We’re doing what we have to do right now, not necessarily what we want to do.

Which is weird because I can think of a lot of jobs I’d never want to do, and it’s crazy they involve a lot of the work I’m doing now. I can tell you for sure that I don’t ever want to be a full-time teacher, chef, nail technician, or nurse.

But speaking of nurses….

I know a guy whose wife is an oncology nurse. Last year, she missed a Christmas party because she had to work. “Awww,” we all said when he told us she wasn’t coming. “That’s so sad.”

He shook his head violently. “Are you kidding?” he said. “She has the best job in the world! Every single day, she gets to be the best part of someone’s worst day.”

You can always be the best part of someone else’s worst day.

And that phrase has always stuck with me.

Especially when I think about my friends working in the healthcare profession right now. They are exhausted, worn out, and emotionally spent. There’s a big sign in front of our local hospital that reads: “Heroes Work Here.,” and every time I pass it, I smile. It’s lonely and terrifying work, but the ones on the front lines also tell me that it’s extremely gratifying.

I, too, want to be the best part of someone’s worst day.

On days like today.

When I found out my senior is going to have an online graduation ceremony.
And probably not until July.
And when my friend told me her husband’s job was furloughed with paychecks to end “immediately.”
And when my daughter saw her friends from across the street and couldn’t go hug them.
And when this lady I don’t even know who wanted to buy a bed we were selling on Facebook marketplace told me about her daughter fleeing an abusive husband.

Oh, there’s so many things out of my control right now!

But you know what? In the midst of all this bad news, I have an opportunity to be “good news.”

Even in quarantine I can find a way to make someone else’s day better.

And I don’t have to be an oncology nurse (or any other kind of nurse) to do that. I just have to be…

AVAILABLE.
THOUGHTFUL.
PRACTICAL.

Some ideas:

• I love these cards from The Hope Deck, perfect to pop in a mailbox, tape to a bathroom mirror, or leave on a pillowcase for a child to find.

• Jeni’s Ice Cream is always a fun treat. (You know I love good ice cream because I’m always talking about it!) Try the Terrace Brunch or the Virtual Crowd Pleaser collection.

• Send a video text to your best friend, so she can see your pretty face.

• Buy some happy stickers and pop them in the mail. You could also add these limited edition coronavirus stickers to your favorite water bottle or face mask.

• And of course, don’t forget to remind your bestie to “follow her mission, not the madness” with one of these cool tees.

The thing about quarantine that I’ve found most surprising is that my emotions are like little ghosts, creeping around, both there and not there at the same time, and jumping out at me when I least expect it. And I’ve found that this is true for a lot of people right now. It’s not just me. A really good day can turn into a bad day in an instant.

Above all else, be kind. Be extraordinarily kind.

Then count your blessings because the best job in the world is the one you’d do even if no one paid you to do it. And you’re in luck because being the best part of someone’s worst day is something we can all do—FOR FREE.

Want More Good Stuff?

Liked this post? Forward to a friend!

And as always, please feel free to reach out to me with comments or suggestions. I read every single message, and I love hearing from you.

Focus is a Profound Motivator

Ah, the holidays are here, and with them comes a mix of complex emotions.

I need to start this post by letting you know that I never, ever cry. Well, hardly ever. Like twice a year. I think I even skipped last year. So I guess I’m due.

The other day, while watching Gingerbread Giants on the Food Network, I discovered actual tears on my cheeks after learning Ann Britt Bailey won the grand prize for her 2017 gingerbread creation titled “Three Ghosts,” an edible interpretation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.

I like gingerbread, but I wouldn’t say I’m emotional about it. I’ve never gotten teary-eyed over any house I’ve ever decorated. In fact, I tossed the two we decorated this year two days before Christmas with nary a fleeting regret.

I’m not even that big of a fan of A Christmas Carol. It’s cute, but I’ll take How the Grinch Stole Christmas any day of the week. There’s something magical about the Christmas spirit in Whoville.

What is it about Christmas that brings out all the feels?

I think it’s a combination of two very important emotions:

1. Gratitude for what happened last year

2. Expectation for what will happen in the new year

“Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next.” ”

— Frederick Buechner

For someone who hardly ever cries, it seems dumb to admit that a gingerbread competition I had never heard of nor knew any of the contestants at would cause such salty discharge to stream down my cheeks.

But it’s the truth.

Ann Bailey’s prize was a respectable $5,000. Was the money the reason for my tears? It seems like a paltry amount when you consider the nearly 800 hours of work she put into the piece, not to mention the expense, travel, and (I’m only guessing here) physical toll it took on her body (Not only is she a breast cancer survivor, but anyone capable of that kind of intricate detail would have to experience some degree of eye fatigue and back pain.)

I think I saw something in Ann that reminded me of myself.

No one feels fully equipped and has the unlimited funds, time and energy to achieve their goals. All of us are terrified of failure, looking silly, and disappointing our friends. So what causes some people to give up and go home while others continue to hone their craft until they become the best in their field? And what is it that attracts us to those people?

Still emotional, I got curious about Ann Bailey. I learned she discovered the National Gingerbread Competition in 2006 while channel surfing in her living room. At the time, she was already an accomplished artist but everything she had baked up until that time had come solely from a box. Can you believe Ann doesn’t even like gingerbread?

She didn’t place until 2009.

Ann said, “I refuse to underachieve. I love to challenge myself. If have to do something 35,000 times, I will master it.”

That’s what dedication looks like!

Ann Bailey is a learner. So am I. And so are you. That’s what we say, anyway. Every year, my friends and I decide how many books we’re going to read—usually somewhere between 25 and 60, a paltry amount compared to book nerds like Bill Gates and Gretchen Rubin. We love to read together because reading is fun, but it’s not…focused.

And focus is a profound motivator.

What if this year we decided to do something different? What if together we chose one topic that interests us and then read/studied/did everything we could related to that one subject? So instead of piling up a mix of fiction, memoir, business, and poetry, we would vow instead to focus on our one thing?

Choose your topic. What is it? Write it down.

This year, I’ll be focusing on Women and Work.

Ann Bailey has finally given up on gingerbread. But she’s not hanging up her apron yet. Now that she’s mastered cookies, she’s turning her attention to wedding cakes. There’s no doubt she’s got the talent. After seeing her success in one medium, I’m excited to follow her progress in this new one.

What will you focus on this year?

Here’s to new adventures in 2020!

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WINSday on Wednesday--Transitioning Well

Today’s WINSday on Wednesday inspiration comes from Liz Lewis, the be-boppin', hip hoppin' creative behind some of the best character-driven songs for kids at North Point Ministries.

How to be an Adult

According to MSN Lifestyle, “Adulthood is a nuanced transition that occurs over three decades.” Psychologists have added the term “emerging adulthood” to describe people in their twenties who feel like they’re not teenagers anymore but aren’t quite “adults” yet either. And while, legally, you become an adult at the age of 18, scientists now say that you don’t really become fully adult until age 30, which is the age when your brain reaches full development.

Our emotional development, unfortunately, doesn’t always align perfectly with our physical development. I mean, when did you feel like an adult? When you graduated college? Landed your first real job? Got married? Had kids? Is it when you turned 21?

I’d have to say that for me it was the first time a kid answered one of my questions with that southern standby: “Yes ma’am.”

There is no agreed upon age or stage for adulthood because everyone’s experience is different.

But one thing we do all experience is transition.

Periods of transition occur at different times in our lives, providing tricky overlap at key developmental stages. Remember getting zits and armpit hair? Remember when your feet felt too big and your breasts too small? That was—ummmm— AWKWARD.

There’s no denying it—Transition can be super awkward. But we grow into the shoes and out of the training bra. Someone teaches us how to use concealer and a razor.

Transition is temporary. It is not a pause, even though it might feel like time slows down during the difficult ones. Transitions actually keep the action/work/life moving forward.

In writing, we use transitions to help readers understand how thoughts and ideas are connected.

Some examples include words like:

• And

• But

• So

• Because

For example:

I am a mom, and I am a chef, and I am a chauffeur, and I am a teacher.

But I am also an entrepreneur.

So I’ll have to figure out how to do it all.

Because that’s what women do best.

Writers use transitions so that ideas flow smoothly.

But often in life, we describe transitions with words like “rocky” or “scary” or as we mentioned previously, “awkward.”

Moms have no clearly defined role, and so the whole motherhood thing can feel like one giant transition, the space between who we were when we were single and in charge of only ourselves and who we are becoming with people who are both a part of us and apart from us.

Unlike our comrades in the workplace, we have no onboarding manual that tells us what to expect or what to do.

The normal rules of transition: Take notes, immerse yourself in company culture, and devise your own 90-day success plan just aren’t realistic advice for women transitioning from motherhood to work or from work to motherhood or from motherhood to empty nesterhood.

We face new responsibilities and new challenges every single day.

As our kids grow up, they don’t necessarily need us less, but they do need us in different ways. We need to let go. Maybe don’t need to kiss boo-boos, but we still have a role to play—we will become their advisors and coaches. Hopefully, we’ll also be a safe place to land in a world riddled with disappointment and pain.

As they become who they are meant to be, we rediscover latent passions. We have the bandwidth to pursue our own purpose. This new freedom might feel foreign and frightening.

But in the transition, we find margin. Don’t be afraid of the space. Margin means opportunity. Transitions hold a world of possibility—we get to take everything that came before and leverage it for what’s next.

And the best part is there’s no right or wrong way to do it.

“Perfectionism is not only the enemy of the good; it is the enemy of adulthood.”

— Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult

Ready to take it to the next level?

If you missed our interview with Liz Lewis, you can catch up here.