Use at Your Own Risk

We’re about to get really intimate.

If you’ve ever longed to be understood, this post is for you.

If you’ve ever felt lonely.
Weird.
Marginalized.

If you’ve ever said out loud to no one or everyone, “You don’t understand me,” then please—keep reading.

I’ve got a solution for you.

I’ve never been the engineering type. I don’t really care how things work. I just care that they work. At home, I expect things to work. When they don’t, I can get pretty frustrated.

My favorite appliance is probably my oven. Boring? Maybe. But to be fair, my oven is pretty fancy.

It came with a user manual, although I have to be honest. I don’t think I’ve ever actually used it. After all, I’ve been living and eating indoors for 48 years, and I’ve never not had access to an oven. So when we moved into our new house two years ago, I assumed I would be able to roast a chicken with no problem. Never mind that on day one I couldn’t even turn the oven on. After several failed attempts of trying every button imaginable, opening and closing the doors a few times, and even checking the pilot light, I ended up calling the builder, only to discover there’s two concentric knobs, and both have to be adjusted in order for the heating element to begin doing its thing.

Who knew?

Did I learn my lesson?
No, I did not.

I still haven’t read the user manual.

And I’ve encountered more than a few problems since (You just heard about the first). Currently, all my settings are in French. I have no idea how to change them 😳🤦‍♀️. And I’ve undoubtedly missed some important features. Features I could have been using if only I knew how.

So 99% of the time, I turn the oven to “Bake” and set the temp for 350 degrees. And 99% of the time that works. But maybe the things I cook would turn out even better if I used the “proofing” function when I make homemade bread or tried “convection mode” every once in awhile in lieu of dragging out the air fryer.

I treat my oven like my relationships. I’ve been using an oven all my life. Surely I know what to do.

But like people, this oven has its own way of doing things. It’s special. Complicated.

Cue the PERSONAL USER MANUAL

I recently came across an interesting article about Personal User Manuals. These user manuals are for individuals who want to tell their employees how to interact with them—a brilliant idea and not to be confused with a personnel manual, which is more like an employee handbook that outlines the policies, procedures, and expectations for working in a company.

B.O.R.I.N.G.

A Personal Manual, on the other hand, is a document that says, “This is how I work best. If you want to partner with me, this is what you need to know.” The document outlines how you like to work, collaborate, communicate, and receive feedback. It’s primarily used by CEOs and creative types.

It got me thinking.

I like the idea of creating a Personal User Manual, and no, not so I can pass it out during family meetings. I’m not that crazy. I think the personal manual could be a useful tool for understanding ourselves, sort of like a journaling prompt on steroids. Writing is thinking, after all.

These are the six subject prompts for work. I’ve altered the questions following for personal reflection and growth.

Trust me, I know this is a little weird.

But let’s stick with it—just for kicks and giggles.

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1. Introduction: This is your opportunity to summarize where you’ve been and who you are. Maybe a little bit about where you grew up, how it influenced the decisions you made about school and work. How did you get to your current place?

1. Environment: Think about your ideal living conditions. What are your daily rhythms? How do your rhythms align with the responsibilities you have both at home and at work? How does your work inside the home integrate with your work outside of it?

2. Communication: What’s the best way to communicate with you? A shared calendar? A weekly meeting? A heart-to-heart at a specific time every day? Are you an external processor or an internal processor?

3. Feedback: How would like to receive feedback? Do you invite others to help you evaluate what’s happening in your life or is this a project for you and you alone? If the feedback has the potential for conflict, do you want to talk about it right away or do you need time to cool down? Maybe you like to save encouraging cards and emails that people send to you. Maybe you already have a system in place that includes the question: “How did I do today?”

4. Support: How can the people who live with you best support you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Goals for personal growth? Where would you like to improve? Do you need time alone? Do you need help with chores? Would it be helpful to keep lists of places you’d like to visit, vacation spots, and ideas for date nights or girl getaways, so that when you are feeling overwhelmed you already have an index of go-to getaways? Maybe you’d like to start keeping a list of encouraging Bible verses, a list of friends you can call day or night, or a list of everyday activities for fostering peace and prosperity.

5. Favorites: What are your favorite TV shows, movies, books, restaurants, music, and gifts? (Feel free to leave your personal manual open to this page close to key holidays 😉).

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For What It’s Worth

You know, my oven gets used every single day. It works just fine—even though I’ve never read the user manual. I would say it’s “adequate." On a scale of 1-5, I’ll give it a 3.5. It gets the job done. We eat muffins and baked chicken and roasted vegetables. I bake cakes and prepare potatoes myriad ways. But I know I’m not using the oven to its full potential. This expensive, professional grade appliance essentially does the same job as a $150 countertop toaster.

Even though it’s worth far more.

When I googled, “Why is my oven so expensive?” you know what Google said? "

The price increases due to the quality of internal components used to build the product and make it as long-lasting as possible.

Because the Personal Manual is a deep-dive into our souls, I wondered what God might say about those innermost parts. Turns out, he agrees with Google.

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. —-1 Peter 3:4

I’m being a little facetious when I suggest creating a personal manual for your life, but maybe it’s not that far-fetched after all. Wasn’t it Socrates who said “Know thyself?”

If you created a personal user manual I can only imagine that it would make you more aware of your own idiosyncrasies and quirks.

Understanding ourselves is the first step in understanding others.

And relationships are big business.

There’s games for getting to know one another better. Who’s tried UnCurated or Toilet Tag? And then there’s apps like Lasting and Better Help, not to mention the retreats and adventure programs all with one lofty goal: helping people connect in meaningful ways.

It all boils down to this, though: I can’t expect someone else to understand me if I haven’t opened myself up to being understood.

So tell me, who out there is brave enough to compile a PERSONAL USER MANUAL?

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Loneliness: You are not Alone

Loneliness.

Isn’t it fascinating that such a big word has the power to make a person feel so small?

Loneliness is an epidemic, but incredibly the pandemic doesn’t seem to have made it worse (source). That’s a good thing, but loneliness is still pervasive. Friendship peaks at age 25, and steadily declines from there. One in four people admit to having no confidantes at all, and a staggering 75% of people confess disappointment in the friendships they do have.

When I’m excited about something I’m working on, I can go days without speaking to another human being outside my family. It’s a gift and a curse, attributed mostly to being sent to my room a lot as a kid. Social isolation was the punishment du jour, and so I learned how to entertain myself within those four walls, reading books or writing stories or listening to music. In those days, we did not have technology to distract us, and so I created fantasy worlds inside my own head.

Trust me, you do not want to get lost in there!

Even though I am content being alone, true joy always emerges when I am in the company of others. I devour stories, savor interesting conversation, and linger over happy gatherings.

And truth be told—I think we can all admit that there are some things best experienced WITH friends, and so if you are one of those people suffering loneliness right now—either by choice or by default—let me give you a little to-do list to help combat those feelings of isolation.

Doesn’t everybody love a good to-do list? Checking boxes gratifies a deep-seated need to be productive.

1. Love one another.

A new command I give: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 13:34

I remember the first time I heard a pastor tell me that love isn’t a feeling; it’s a verb. BLEW. MY. MIND. Now, it seems obvious. I have a husband and kids (and a very ornery dog—ACCCCKKK!), and I don’t always feel loving, but still I love them. And if you have a husband or kids (or a dog!) you know what I mean. We’re not just keeping these little beings alive; we want the best for them. We want them to thrive because deep down—admit it—don’t you feel just a teeny bit responsible for helping them become the very best versions of themselves?

2. Serve one another.

You, my brothers and sisters were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

Galatians 5:13

This passage reminds me of another that says, “Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever want to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be , served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” —Matthew 20:26-28

Friends, there as many ways to serve one another as there are colors in the rainbow. And if you’re thinking Chantel, there’s just seven colors in a rainbow, you’re wrong! The entire spectrum is there—subtle, yet true. You don’t have to look very hard to find ways to serve. Service is the first way Jesus connected with people; he set an example, so we can serve too. One of the very first miracles Jesus performed was turning water into wine, and although you cannot literally turn water into wine, is there something you can make better for someone else? Something that if you did it, would make someone else feel like the party was just getting started?

3. Forgive one another.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32

My husband and I love the musical Hamilton. Halfway through the show, Alexander Hamilton and his wife, Eliza, undergo a period of intense grief after the death of their firstborn son. It’s a heart-wrenching scene; Eliza blames Alexander for his death because Alexander knew about the duel ahead of time. A song begins, but the end of it is where the real emotion lies: It goes like this:

They are standing in the garden
Alexander by Eliza's side
She takes his hand
It's quiet uptown

Forgiveness, can you imagine?
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

If you see him in the street
Walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity
They are going through the unimaginable

It takes a lot to bring tears to my eyes, but this scene always does. Forgiveness restores relationships.

Always.

4. Honor one another.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 12:10

Honor. Respect. Grace. Devotion. The author of Romans says it beautifully, “Honor one another above yourselves.” But how do we do that? I know it’s hard. We are inherently selfish, but over and over again, it seems humility and honor often go hand-in-hand.

“The truly humble man will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.”

— C.S. Lewis

Loneliness is private, personal; it’s an inward angst that is wholly defeated when we’re committed to prioritizing the needs of others above ourselves.

Easier said than done, of course, but we can work on it together! 😉

5. Pray for one another.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

Every once in awhile, I’ll receive a text or email from someone that simply says, “I’m praying for you today.” Five simple words. None have the power to bring more peace than the knowledge that someone else is talking to God on my behalf. To carry someone else’s burden in this way is to walk alongside a person even when you cannot physically walk side-by-side.

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I lead a small group of college age girls. We meet on Wednesday nights, and the very first time we ever got together, I asked them, “What brought you to this group?” Nearly every single girl answered, “For friends.” The primary reason they attend is not because they want to grow spiritually or hear an interesting message—those things are bonuses—they come because they need each other. There are twelve girls in my group, and they could not be more different. They hail from different socioeconomic backgrounds, negotiate complicated family histories, and face challenges beyond anything I ever had to deal with as a college student.

They need each other.

We need each other.

Loneliness is normal, but you do not have to navigate it alone.

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Where Do We Go From Here? Lessons From Gumby

On September 2, 1955 creator Art Clokey produced his first ever claymation short film. Just a few pulsating lumps of clay set to jazz music became the first known recorded music video ever. One day, a producer named Sam Engel saw the film, and said to Art, “Can you make little clay figures out of that clay and animate them?” When Clokey said he could, Engel, in an incredible act of generosity, told him he’d finance the pilot.

“I want to improve the quality of television for children,” he said.

And that’s how Gumby was born. (source)

I never got into Gumby. He was before my time, and even when his popularity surged again in the 80s and 90s, I failed to pay much attention. The world of boys and books were much too interesting.

Recently, though, I came across an old photo of Gumby, and his origin story became interesting to me.

Did you know, for example, that his form was based on that of the Gingerbread Man?

Yeah, I see the resemblance.

But while the two characters may look similar on the outside, we all know what’s inside is what really makes them who they are.

Whereas the gingerbread man is made of flour, sugar, butter, and ginger (yum!), the humble Gumby is nothing but a simple lump of colored clay.

Clay is the basic medium for creative conception of new forms,” Art said in Gumby: The Authorized Biography of the World’s Favorite Clayboy . “It’s malleable, and it changes every time you touch it. You push and mash it, and a lump turns into something, just like magic.”

Have you felt a little bit like Gumby these last six months?

If you have felt like a bit of a lump, you’re not alone.

But are you Gumby or are you the Gingerbread Man?

Pushed and pulled in a million directions, dirty and misshapen through excessive manipulation, the interesting thing about Gumby is that he always returns to his original form. The Gingerbread Man, however, is fragile. He breaks and is consumed.

Where We Are

“Just gonna tell y’all something. By the time you’ve been married over 40 years, you’ve been married to about four different people. So have they. It’s a miracle of God any of us ever make it.”

— Beth Moore via Twitter, 9/24/2020

Gavin read that tweet out loud to me while we were on vacation last week, and we laughed because even though we’ve only been married (almost) 25 years, we know it’s true. We are different people than we were back when we said “I do” in 1996. Some people call it quits when they realize the person they’re with is different than the one they married, but we’re glad. We both looked at each other and said, “Thank God we’re not the same people we were 25 years ago!”

These days, I keep hearing people say, “I just want things to go back to the way they were!”

But even if the things do go back to the way they were, we never will.

We aren’t Gumby.

This season is one of those pivotal moments—something we’ll always point to as a definitive turning point in our lives—like 9/11 or our parents getting divorced or the birth of our first kid. Even if the world isn’t different, our world, the one we inhabit and take up space in, will never be the same. What’s happening to us is that we are being stretched, prodded, pushed, and mashed.

Will we be better?
We get to decide.

We may want to flush 2020 down the toilet for good, but before we do, let’s pause and remember: Happy endings only happen once all the lessons have been learned.

• In what ways are you changing in this season?

• When it’s over, what new pieces of yourself do you want to keep?

The Lessons We Learn

Write down some of the things you’ve learned in this season. Here are some of mine:

I need people more than I thought.
I waste time even when I have lots of time.
The good life has nothing to do with money.
Spending more time with my kids has been an unexpected delight in this season.
Peace follows the beauty we create—whether that’s in art, books, homemaking, or food.

And if you’re a Christian, take comfort in the fact that even if we are nothing but a humble lump of clay, we can count on God to make something beautiful out of us.

“Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

— Isaiah 64:8

Want more good stuff?

Stay tuned because on October 1st, I’ll be launching a 52-week series on Identity. Just a short thought on what it means to be fully you fully available to God delivered directly to your inbox every Sunday for the next 52 weeks. Sign up here.

Mission Driven Monday--Kristen Witzel

Meet Kristen Witzel!

“What makes your heart happy?”

Meet the Founder and Executive Director of KidsBoost! Kristen is a mom and former hospital Child Life Specialist who turned her passion for generosity into an opportunity to mentor kids taking on service projects to raise money for the organizations that matter to them. In this episode, we talk about how the challenges of being a single mother and how being an entrepreneur helped her find meaning and purpose in the work she was clearly meant to do.

We both have kids who just finished fifth grade and are about to embark on the adventure of middle school. I think it’s interesting how ideas percolate over time, building tension, and ultimately inspiring us to take action.

As moms, we want to pursue our dreams and also do ALL THE THINGS. Is it possible? Kristen says she spent years living off peanut butter and a prayer. She’s working to build a culture that values working parents as they raise kind and generous kids while using their own gifts to give back to the community.

You don’t want to miss this incredible story.

Important links from this episode:

Does your kid have an idea for a project they’d like to pursue? KidsBoost would love to help!

KidsBoost: Creating a sustainable cycle of giving by equipping kids to serve others

The Moment of Lift : How Empowering Women Changes the World by Melinda Gates

Big Magic: Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

Ready to take it to the next level?

10 Mind Blowing Facts You Should Know About Yourself

1. You are not defined by what you are doing right now.

   Talent and skill are important, but more important is adaptability—the ability to adjust to changing circumstances in your life. Your job is what you do. (Over your lifetime, you will have many different types of jobs.) Your work is who you are. (As you navigate these new roles, you will begin to discover who you are. That’s the magic of adaptability.)

2. Your life is a work of art.

   Intellectually, we know this, but it’s hard to live as if it is true. If you want to begin believing it, try this: Whenever someone asks you about your day, think of the most unique thing that happened to you. Tell that story.

   “Maybe the desire to make something beautiful is the piece of God that is inside each one of us.”—Mary Oliver

3. You do have time, and you get to choose how to spend it. Busy happens when we’re not thinking.

   Someone once told me that busy is just the brain being lazy. How ironic that when we’re busy we think the opposite is true! Lazy isn’t the antonym of busy; it’s a SYNONYM! Take time to plan your calendar, block out the things you want to do, need to do, have to do, and would like to do. Say no to everything else. “Busy” should never be an excuse for why you’re so tired, cranky, unavailable, or just plain flaky. Own your life or it will own you.

4. The quiet voice in your head is usually right.

   Sometimes we underestimate the power of our own internal compass. We don’t trust other people; why should we trust ourselves? But let’s be honest—who knows you better than YOU?

   Unless you’re George Costanza:

   JERRY: Kramer, should I call Susan?

   KRAMER: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.

   GEORGE: My little man doesn't know.

   KRAMER: The little man knows all.

   GEORGE: My little man's an idiot.

   Some of the best advice ever uttered under the sun: DON’T BE AN IDIOT.

5. The things you’re putting off are a direct result of fear.

   The other day a life coach asked my entrepreneur group to make a list of the things we’re putting off—basically all the “crap we don’t want to do.” That was a painful exercise! Define the fear and the outcome you want to achieve so you won’t be able to put off any longer the things that will help you move forward. It was one of the other girls in the group who decided to name the fears and outcomes. Now, I’m accountable for the things I’m putting off. No more excuses! I have a deadline and a person I’m supposed to call with updates on my progress. Yikes.

6. The quality of the life you have is not based on how much money you spend.

   We’ve all been asked a version of these two questions: If your house was burning down, what would you save? And if you were stranded on a desert island what would you take with you? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say they’d save their big screen TV or the clothes in their closet. Everything you love is either free or really cheap. so you don’t need to stress about money. Love the people you’re with, and be with the people you love. That’s the beginning and end of everything that’s truly meaningful in life.

7. You are in charge of your emotional experience.

   Emotions are like waves, building and swirling and crashing around us all the time. My internal feelings are often the result of external circumstances, and the ones that cause the most havoc are the ones that touch the most sensitive places of my psyche—my work and self-worth. If you can train yourself to both welcome and enjoy criticism, you won’t get sidelined by the emotions that try to derail you. When my emotions threaten to paralyze me, I remind myself that even though the emotion is real, the words that triggered it may or may not be true. Then I ask, “What is this experience teaching me about myself, others, or the world and how can I use it to make my world better?”

8. Your story can inspire others to share their own.

   Every good story involves a character going on a journey (internal or external) who meets a guide, encounters obstacles, overcomes them through many trials, and who eventually reaches a climax of calamity, but somehow overcomes, thus making all her dreams come true. We have a story, too, and our story always intersects with a bunch of other stories around us. Since people generally become what you speak of them, it is wise to be generous with your words.

9. You expect from others those things you believe about yourself.

   The greatest discovery in life is self discovery. Until you know yourself, you’ll always be trying to be like someone else. This is one of those one liners I’ve been repeating for awhile, even though as late as just last week I had an epiphany where I heard myself say out loud: “I kept hoping for a different story, but I just realized THIS is my story.” Good grief…apparently the road to self-discovery is full of distractions, detours, and road blocks. Just keep going in the direction of your dreams and eventually you’ll begin to believe that where you’re going is where you were supposed to be all along.

10. You are not selfish because you want to be liked.

    Likeability is a trait of highly successful people. It’s actually a job skill. (I learned this from Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of the famous People School). I’m glad she said it, not me, because wanting to be liked sounds exactly like a quote I heard Michael Scott say on an episode of The Office:

    “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”—Michael Scott

    Likeable people are charismatic and influential. They generally have more friends and get what they want out of life. Wanting to be liked is a good thing, especially if you’re a likeable person. When I was in high school and college, I have to confess, I thought about this all the time. Like all the time. I wanted more friends, and I didn’t know if I was making them fast enough. It’s a relief to know that there’s things I can do to ramp up the warmth and be more expressive as I genuinely do love getting to know new people.

I’d love to know what you’re discovering about yourself. There’s always something new to learn! If you want to take it to the next level, I’d love to meet you!