If You Can't Say Anything Nice

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If you can’t say anything nice…..

You know how this sentence ends, don’t you?

If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.

I don’t know how it happened, but my husband and I noticed recently that we can be really critical of people. Of course, if Gavin were reading this post, he would temper that statement with something akin not to criticism, but evaluation.

We like to evaluate, Chantel. That’s what we do. We evaluate to make things better. At least that is the story we’re telling ourselves.

Call it what you will, but when it comes right down to it, we find ourselves just not being very nice.

If it’s just he and I talking privately, that’s okay, right?

Well, no. Not exactly.

Our kids take their cues from us. How they communicate is a reflection of how we communicate.

OUCH.

Before I had kids, I didn’t really think about the example I set for other people. Once my first daughter was born, however, I became hyper-vigilant about a great many things that never bothered me before. For example, I noticed what kind of music I played, what I watched on TV, and of course what kind of toys and books I allowed in our home.

Years have passed. Decades. I’m not as careful as I used to be. I’ve been thinking about this lately with parenting. As a young mom, my front row seat (and a playroom adjacent to the family room) afforded me the opportunity and authority to dictate a lot of choices before my kids made bad ones. If they wanted to phone a friend, they had to use mine. I stood with them at the bus stop. I drove them every place they needed to go. We ate all our meals together, and I tucked them in at night.

Part of parenting is setting boundaries that help families thrive. 

But part of parenting is also creating the space for kids to explore life and become their own people. So as they got older, I took my cue to “get lost” so to speak. They walked themselves to the bus stop, set up their own playdates with friends, and I no longer mediated arguments they could solve on their own.

But somewhere along the way, things went sideways. Disappointment and loneliness gave way to jealousy and anger. My adorable kids and their precious friends turned into mini mean girls.

Then, when MY friends got together we would lament that “raising girls is so much harder than raising boys,” and “oh my gosh girls are so awful to each other.”

And then I realized why.

Mean Girls, Mean Moms

That’s what my friends and I were doing to each other! No wonder we knew so many mean girls. They were the daughters of mean moms—and I’m embarrassed to say that I, too, was part of that group.

Our own Bible studies and coffee dates were filled with hours of chatter…ahem…gossip about all the people we knew. After all, we were with our friends. We didn’t feel like we needed to censor our words. We should be able to say what we really thought. Again—that’s the story we were telling ourselves. The problem, though, is that our thoughts needed auditing.

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

— Frank Outlaw, Late President of the Bi-Lo Stores (Yep, I was surprised, too, but Quote Investigator confirms this)

I’d be crazy to think that when I got home and relayed these conversations to Gavin that my young daughters weren’t picking up not only on the tone of my voice but also the actual words I was using to describe people that I supposedly liked.

I was convicted then, and I’m convicted now.

So what should we do?

It’s actually pretty simple.

Think before you speak.

Think before you speak. And when you speak, make sure you err on the side of positivity.

I’m trying harder these days to see the best in everyone. To believe the best. To try my best to understand and empathize when I am tempted to be unkind.

There’s a rule of friendship that says that the words you use to describe other people to each other are the attributes that other people will actually ascribe to you. For example, if you are telling a new acquaintance about a friend who is generous, welcoming, and warm, that acquaintance will actually apply those adjectives to YOU, even though you’re talking about someone else.

Pretty cool, huh?

And then just this week, I read about a study that tried to figure out why some kids were popular and some weren’t. Believe it or not, the most popular kids weren’t necessarily the ones who were pretty, smart, and athletic (although obviously these traits contribute to overall popularity). The common denominator among the most popular kids, though, was that these were the kids who told the researchers that they “liked everybody.”

LIKE EVERYBODY—And love them too!

I’ve found that I like people a lot more when I spend time talking TO them rather than ABOUT them.

I hope you will, too.

If you hear me saying something unkind, consider this blog post your permission slip to call me out on it.

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There's No Such Thing as a One Dimensional Life

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March is Women’s History Month, so this month I’ll be focusing on themes relating to women in the workplace, at school, at home, and of course among our peers. Let’s honor one another today and always!

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PREJUDICE? WHO? ME?

You know me. I’ve always got a book in my hand, and this week, I just finished Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. Tucked among all the interesting research and anecdotes was a little tidbit about women that got me thinking. Because he was talking about identity, I was intrigued. You see, identity is a buzzword in the Christian community, and I’ve always felt it’s been a bit overused. (Like, GAH, talk to me about something else besides identity already!)

But here goes….

In a 2005 study at Texas Christian University, a researcher told a group of male and female students that he was studying GRE performance. The lead researcher told the students that he was studying this because of the well-known theory that men typically outperform women on these tests. (He said this on purpose to ensure that the stereotype would be at the forefront of the students’ minds while they took the test. )

Then the researchers divided the students into three groups.

• Group #1: Went to a room and took the test with no further instructions.

• Group #2: Were told to think about their identity in a general way and were given an example that showed a bubble chart with the word “ME” in the middle and then three or four branching bubbles that included words like “student,” “sister, “ and “employee.”

• Group #3: Were also told to think about their identity, but to use as many branching bubbles as they could muster. This group saw an example that included the words listed above but additional descriptors like “advice giver,” “animal lover,” and “dean’s list.”

The researchers wanted to see if the stereotype threat could be mitigated by reminding individual women of their multiples roles and identities.

WHAT I LEARNED

I didn’t think this would be such a big deal, but even women who are high achievers in the area of math often score twenty points BELOW men in tests where ability is measured. Specifically, they do worse on timed assignments. They run out of time because they’re subconsciously thinking, “I need to double-check. I need to be careful.” Anxiety and distraction slow them down.

So you can probably guess what happened in the experiment I just described. The women who were not told to think about their multiple identities or who were only asked to describe themselves in a very basic way, scored lower than those women who were given ample time to think about and write down their various identities, the clubs they belonged to, the offices they held, their roles in their families, sororities, and sports teams. In fact, the women who internalized their identity scored the same as the men!

According to Duhigg, “the existence of the stereotype generated just enough anxiety and distraction to slow the women down, which resulted in lower test scores,”—twenty points is a big deal!

THE MULTITUDES

I share this story because even though most of the women reading this blog will probably never take another college entrance exam, you will encounter situations where you may perceive yourself as the underdog. And maybe that’s because you’ve spent a couple of decades raising kids at home and now you’re ready to enter a different kind of workforce. Maybe you’ve been asked to join a board and you feel unqualified or unprepared. Maybe you’re leading a volunteer team that’s composed primarily of men who think they have all the answers.

Negative self talk loses its force when we as women think about who we are in as many categories as possible. We can render powerless all those voices telling us we’re not smart enough or good enough if we just remember that we contain multitudes. Our identities are not so one-dimensional.

I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll never forget meeting a new friend after my oldest daughter was born. We introduced ourselves, and then she asked, “So are you just a mom?” Of course, all I heard was that little qualifier..JUST…JUST…JUST….

You’re not a JUST anything, and neither am I. We contain multitudes, and that’s a good thing because that means we can connect with people on so many levels. Remembering that we are more than what we seem and that others are too (and this is key) is a valuable tool for empathy, understanding, connection, and progress in both work and relationships.

Of course, as a Christian, I would be remiss if I didn’t also say that while remembering who we are is important, remembering WHOSE we are is paramount. Any one component of our identity is actually pretty fragile. Your position at work, your role at home, your status in your community—all those things can change in an instant. Even so, my friend, we shall be forevermore children of God. You can take great comfort in knowing that.

For more reflections on identity, read this and this.

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The Friendship Equation

Anything worth doing takes time.

That’s what they say, anyway.

You know this is true. There’s no such thing as a get-rich-quick-scheme that works. And diets that promise quick weight loss often backfire in time.

This is true of relationships, too.

Psychologists Julie and John Gottman are considered the foremost leaders on love and relationships. Dr. John Gottman is known as the “guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.” So when he talks about relationships, people tend to listen. One of his biggest lessons: The Magic Six Hours. He maintains that couples need about six hours of quality time together per week to ensure a lasting and healthy relationship.

This is good news for Gavin and me because we literally grew up on the “six hours a week” rule, as that was the number of hours my parents allowed me to spend with my boyfriend when I was in high school. Little did they know back then that those hours would become the bedrock of our happy and intentional marriage.

Six hours a week might be okay for two spouses, but most of us don’t have that kind of time to invest in other relationships that are important to us.

Turns out, we need just eight minutes to keep those relationships in tip-top shape.

You read that right. Eight minutes.

The Eight Minute Rule

Sounds too good to be true, right?

When my friend, Heidi, shared this information with me, I was skeptical. “Just eight minutes? A week? “

But she persisted. “It’s true,” she said.

And I did find corroborating evidence at the New York Times to validate her claim.

Sometimes I think we put off investing in friendships altogether because we simply can’t find an hour to block off for lunch or a night out. Factor in the time it takes to travel to your destination plus the added logistics of securing childcare and ensuring that everyone at home has what they need, and it just seems easier not to go anywhere at all.

But this isn’t healthy or advisable.

With a little advance planning, even our busiest seasons don’t have to be filled with loneliness.

I think we can all find eight minutes at some point during the week. That might be a hands-free call while you’re putting on makeup in the morning, prepping dinner, or sitting in the carpool line. I discovered that the trip from my house to my daughter’s school is exactly eight minutes, and I often use that time to send a Marco Polo to my friend, Melanie, or my sister-in-law, Stacee.

If you’re not familiar with Marco Polo, it’s a social networking app that allows you to send a video message to to your intended recipient. While it’s technically a one-way conversation, the beauty of this method of connecting is that my friend can listen to the message and then respond at her convenience. Trust me when I say that I am up-to-date on the latest happenings in both Stacee and Melanie’s lives. That we no longer live in the same town or have kids the same ages is irrelevant. No more excuses. I talk when I have time, and my friends listen when they have time. To be sure, we send and receive messages almost everyday because Marco Polo is both easy and convenient.

The New York Times article quotes heavily from Dr. Bob Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the author of the book The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. He said that most busy people tend to think that in some unspecified future, they’ll have a “time surplus,” where they will be able to connect with old friends. Turns out, that time surplus rarely pans out.

He’s not wrong.

As we built our family and the kids got older, I too, thought I would have more time, but life gets in the way, and bigger kids have bigger problems. Their relationship drama, school pressure, and diverse extracurricular activities spill over into a sphere that overlaps mine.

It’s no secret that having a few close friends imbibes us with a sense of belonging and purpose. But did you also know that benefits include boosts to our self confidence and a reduction in stress? The Mayo Clinic says that friendship supports good lifestyle habits, like exercise and healthy eating. If all it takes is eight minutes a week to reap all these benefits and more, what are you waiting for?

In just eight minutes, you can microwave a baked potato, listen to a couple of songs you love, run a mile, take a shower, or…simply call a friend. So go ahead. Call the friend. (But I would recommend finding time to take that shower, too!)

And remember, no one is limiting your time together to just eight minutes. In these busy seasons, though, agreeing to spend eight minutes connecting with someone you care about doesn’t seem like such a huge sacrifice. I believe that friendship is worth it.

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Friendship: It's Not that Complicated

This February, we’ll be talking about love and friendship. I hope you’ll join me for these weekly conversations. Let’s get started!

Friendship.

It’s only two syllables, and yet it’s a big word, loaded with meaning and possibility.

If you are a normal human being, the odds are good that relationships are important to you. Since the beginning of time, humans were created for relationships. Our survival depends on it! We’re better together, and that’s an undeniable fact. You may have even grown up hearing that the quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships.

But what is friendship, really?

Friendship is just two humans mutually agreeing to be in a relationship for no benefit except they enjoy each other.

Friend: A person you enjoy

It’s really not that complicated.

And yet, adults are lonelier than ever. Friendship, as a hobby, is dying a slow death in America. Loneliness has even been called an epidemic! Friendship peaks at age 25, and steadily declines from there. One in four people admit to having no confidantes at all, and a staggering 75% of people confess disappointment in the friendships they do have.

Yikes. That’s some scary stuff.

When I look at my relationships through the lens of “people that I enjoy,” I see that I really have a rich life filled with lots of friends. There are so many people that I enjoy, and whether I get invited to every party, networking event, or pop up pickleball game is irrelevant.

• Can I call you and have a nice conversation?

• Can we hang out in a coffee shop together?

• Can we go on a walk?

• Am I happy to see you when I run into you at the grocery store, church, or the ball field?

Sometimes I think we have a tendency to overthink our friendships, wondering if someone likes us before we’ve even had a chance to get to know each other at all.

Here’s a tip for you: when you share your story (along with all the gory, not-so-great details), people tend to like you more, not less.

Best Friends

My friend Melanie always says there are people like us and people who just like us. (I’ve always loved that sentiment!)

She and I are best friends, even though I don’t share her love of Star Wars or zombie docudramas, She’ll never understand why I fall asleep during Broadway musicals and in the middle of late-night card games. She takes her coffee black and I like mine with chocolate. I like everything with chocolate. But when it comes to the important stuff, we are for each other.

When it comes right down to it, we simply enjoy each other.

And if that’s all it takes to make a friendship work, then I think we can all find success. Yes, there will always be people who are too busy to return our calls or who can never find time to meet us for lunch. There will be people who “forget” to invite us to the neighborhood potluck. And yes, there will be people who simply don’t like us. That’s okay.

My mom always told me that to make friends you have to BE a friend. It is within YOUR power not to be the one who forgets. It is within your power to be the one who extends the invitation. It is within your power to check in even if you haven’t talked to each other in months…or years.

Go ahead. Don’t be shy.

Loneliness might be an epidemic, but it doesn’t have to be contagious.

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Use at Your Own Risk

We’re about to get really intimate.

If you’ve ever longed to be understood, this post is for you.

If you’ve ever felt lonely.
Weird.
Marginalized.

If you’ve ever said out loud to no one or everyone, “You don’t understand me,” then please—keep reading.

I’ve got a solution for you.

I’ve never been the engineering type. I don’t really care how things work. I just care that they work. At home, I expect things to work. When they don’t, I can get pretty frustrated.

My favorite appliance is probably my oven. Boring? Maybe. But to be fair, my oven is pretty fancy.

It came with a user manual, although I have to be honest. I don’t think I’ve ever actually used it. After all, I’ve been living and eating indoors for 48 years, and I’ve never not had access to an oven. So when we moved into our new house two years ago, I assumed I would be able to roast a chicken with no problem. Never mind that on day one I couldn’t even turn the oven on. After several failed attempts of trying every button imaginable, opening and closing the doors a few times, and even checking the pilot light, I ended up calling the builder, only to discover there’s two concentric knobs, and both have to be adjusted in order for the heating element to begin doing its thing.

Who knew?

Did I learn my lesson?
No, I did not.

I still haven’t read the user manual.

And I’ve encountered more than a few problems since (You just heard about the first). Currently, all my settings are in French. I have no idea how to change them 😳🤦‍♀️. And I’ve undoubtedly missed some important features. Features I could have been using if only I knew how.

So 99% of the time, I turn the oven to “Bake” and set the temp for 350 degrees. And 99% of the time that works. But maybe the things I cook would turn out even better if I used the “proofing” function when I make homemade bread or tried “convection mode” every once in awhile in lieu of dragging out the air fryer.

I treat my oven like my relationships. I’ve been using an oven all my life. Surely I know what to do.

But like people, this oven has its own way of doing things. It’s special. Complicated.

Cue the PERSONAL USER MANUAL

I recently came across an interesting article about Personal User Manuals. These user manuals are for individuals who want to tell their employees how to interact with them—a brilliant idea and not to be confused with a personnel manual, which is more like an employee handbook that outlines the policies, procedures, and expectations for working in a company.

B.O.R.I.N.G.

A Personal Manual, on the other hand, is a document that says, “This is how I work best. If you want to partner with me, this is what you need to know.” The document outlines how you like to work, collaborate, communicate, and receive feedback. It’s primarily used by CEOs and creative types.

It got me thinking.

I like the idea of creating a Personal User Manual, and no, not so I can pass it out during family meetings. I’m not that crazy. I think the personal manual could be a useful tool for understanding ourselves, sort of like a journaling prompt on steroids. Writing is thinking, after all.

These are the six subject prompts for work. I’ve altered the questions following for personal reflection and growth.

Trust me, I know this is a little weird.

But let’s stick with it—just for kicks and giggles.

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1. Introduction: This is your opportunity to summarize where you’ve been and who you are. Maybe a little bit about where you grew up, how it influenced the decisions you made about school and work. How did you get to your current place?

1. Environment: Think about your ideal living conditions. What are your daily rhythms? How do your rhythms align with the responsibilities you have both at home and at work? How does your work inside the home integrate with your work outside of it?

2. Communication: What’s the best way to communicate with you? A shared calendar? A weekly meeting? A heart-to-heart at a specific time every day? Are you an external processor or an internal processor?

3. Feedback: How would like to receive feedback? Do you invite others to help you evaluate what’s happening in your life or is this a project for you and you alone? If the feedback has the potential for conflict, do you want to talk about it right away or do you need time to cool down? Maybe you like to save encouraging cards and emails that people send to you. Maybe you already have a system in place that includes the question: “How did I do today?”

4. Support: How can the people who live with you best support you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Goals for personal growth? Where would you like to improve? Do you need time alone? Do you need help with chores? Would it be helpful to keep lists of places you’d like to visit, vacation spots, and ideas for date nights or girl getaways, so that when you are feeling overwhelmed you already have an index of go-to getaways? Maybe you’d like to start keeping a list of encouraging Bible verses, a list of friends you can call day or night, or a list of everyday activities for fostering peace and prosperity.

5. Favorites: What are your favorite TV shows, movies, books, restaurants, music, and gifts? (Feel free to leave your personal manual open to this page close to key holidays 😉).

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For What It’s Worth

You know, my oven gets used every single day. It works just fine—even though I’ve never read the user manual. I would say it’s “adequate." On a scale of 1-5, I’ll give it a 3.5. It gets the job done. We eat muffins and baked chicken and roasted vegetables. I bake cakes and prepare potatoes myriad ways. But I know I’m not using the oven to its full potential. This expensive, professional grade appliance essentially does the same job as a $150 countertop toaster.

Even though it’s worth far more.

When I googled, “Why is my oven so expensive?” you know what Google said? "

The price increases due to the quality of internal components used to build the product and make it as long-lasting as possible.

Because the Personal Manual is a deep-dive into our souls, I wondered what God might say about those innermost parts. Turns out, he agrees with Google.

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. —-1 Peter 3:4

I’m being a little facetious when I suggest creating a personal manual for your life, but maybe it’s not that far-fetched after all. Wasn’t it Socrates who said “Know thyself?”

If you created a personal user manual I can only imagine that it would make you more aware of your own idiosyncrasies and quirks.

Understanding ourselves is the first step in understanding others.

And relationships are big business.

There’s games for getting to know one another better. Who’s tried UnCurated or Toilet Tag? And then there’s apps like Lasting and Better Help, not to mention the retreats and adventure programs all with one lofty goal: helping people connect in meaningful ways.

It all boils down to this, though: I can’t expect someone else to understand me if I haven’t opened myself up to being understood.

So tell me, who out there is brave enough to compile a PERSONAL USER MANUAL?

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How to be More Memorable: An Easy Trick

Some of you know that I majored in Biology in college. Although I don’t work in a lab or a hospital, I still find ways to incorporate science into my everyday life.

But first, a story:

When I was in the fifth grade, our English class partnered with an English class in North Dakota to embark on a year-long writing assignment: Mandatory penpals. Back then, I was an avid letter writer, and I couldn’t wait to make a new friend across the country. As the teacher flicked through the first stack of letters, she paused.

“Chantel, there’s a girl here with your name!”

And suddenly, instead of feeling different and weird, (like most pre-teens), I discovered somebody else in the world who had something uniquely in common with me—my name!

That tiny connection opened a door that turned into years of authentic correspondence, and ultimately a long-distance friendship.

As I’ve gotten older and my circle of influence has expanded, I’ve met more and more people who share my name. Unfortunately, I don’t get quite the same thrill as I did that very first time back in 1985.

Most of my introductions happen because somebody I already know wants to introduce me to somebody they know. “Hey, we have the same name!” might elicit nothing more than a fist bump. I have to work harder to turn random connections into real friendships.

But I’m a sucker for tips, tricks, and hacks that make life easier.

So what if I told you there was a trick to help you connect with people you’ve just met? You would want that trick, wouldn’t you?

I learned this one from watching reruns of 30 Rock, and you’ll be interested to know that it has its roots in psycho-biological behavior science.

Here goes:

When someone introduces you to someone else and the potential new friend responds with “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

You can say, “It’s all true. I AM a caesar salad enthusiast, and I DO own more than twenty different professional soccer team jerseys.” (That’s my son Aaron)

But mine would be: “It’s all true. I DO believe chocolate is its own food group, and I HAVE been building a rubber band ball since 1996.”

It’s sort of a variation of that ice-breaker game called Two Truths and a Lie, except in this case you do the icebreaker without anyone even telling you to do it, and the things you say are ALL true.

Hopefully, the two fun facts you share about yourself will prompt another question from the curious bystander. If you’re lucky, they may share two things about themselves. It’s not foolproof, but it is unexpected.

And if there’s anything I know about the human brain, it’s that it craves the unexpected.

Novelty makes things interesting, which ensures that information gets remembered. And don’t we all want to be MEMORABLE?

I’m an introvert, and I used to worry that since I wasn’t the loudest or the funniest one in the room, no one would want to talk to me, let alone remember me after the party ended.

But being remembered has nothing to do with being loud or funny and everything to do with being unpredictable.

The brain is always searching for new connections. It’s how we learn. Researchers have found that novelty causes a number of brain systems to become activated, and foremost among these is the dopamine system.

What Dopamine Does

Dopamine signals your brain to give it more of what it craves. When you encounter a novel or unexpected experience, your brain releases dopamine, and that feels good. Breaking the cycle encourages associative learning. That means, when you hear “I’ve heard a lot about you” you shouldn’t say, “I hope it’s all been good,” or “Nice” or something else that’s part of our natural social script. Say something the person isn’t expecting! That’s how we become more interesting and make others more interested in us.

Another interesting fact about dopamine is that nearly every drug that people abuse has an effect on the dopamine system (as do chocolate, money, sex, and many other addictive things). Again, the role of dopamine is not in the pleasure that one may get from the drug, but in establishing the craving that keeps one coming back for more, even after the drug has lost its pleasurable effects.

This cycle of motivation-reward-and-reinforcement encourages associative learning. Everyone has something beautiful to contribute to the world, and there’s an easy way to ensure you actually get to share that wonderful self. Keep people on their toes by flipping the script. Whenever you are introduced to someone new, say something unexpected, and chances are the person who normally moans, “I’m terrible with names!” won’t have a chance to say that about you.

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When You Love Your Lifestyle But Hate Your Life

Mature women everywhere…REJOICE!

I bet you never thought somebody would say that, did you?

But here’s what I love about getting older. Standard of living usually—(and I mean USUALLY)—increases as age increases.

And that’s pretty awesome: those larger paychecks make the “big” house, the boat, multiple vacations a year, and the fancy car possible.

But I’ve also discovered something disturbing:

A lot of people I know love their lifestyle and hate their life.

Impossible, but true.

And the thing is: I don’t even think they’re going to do anything about it!

When you’ve been around as long as I have, it’s easy to put things on autopilot. You tell yourself that the pension you’re going to get when you retire is worth the misery you’re experiencing now. I have a friend who’s committed to working twelve more years in a government job she finds boring and tedious. Twelve years! To turn her back now on that kind of future financial promise is a leap she just can’t make.

But is it worth it?

My husband is getting ready to leave his comfortable job to venture out on his own after 15 years working in a church. It’s a huge leap of faith, and I’m so proud of him because when he tells our friends about his hopes and dreams for his new career, I see the longing in their eyes. They wish they were the ones embarking on a new adventure!

I hear our friends say things like:

I’m too old to change careers.
Who’s going to hire me now?
What if I have to take a pay cut to do the thing I really want?
What will my family do without the consistency of a steady paycheck?

But can you afford not to?

If I were ask you what makes a fulfilling life, my guess is that almost all your answers would be things that are free or almost free. When you create more space and time in your life, you not only discover new opportunities waiting for you but also you find that you are more open and willing to accept them for what they are: not lucky circumstances, but real possibilities.

Love and relationships matter more than money and things.

We know this intrinsically, but we are afraid of the risk. As we get older, we’re not just responsible for ourselves. We have spouses and children who depend on us. We have mortgages and college tuition to pay. Some of us may even be caring for aging parents. The risks are real and anything but trivial.

And the reality is we like the house and the car and the vacations.

Our status symbols have become our status quo.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the United States among people ages 15-44. It ranks among the top three workplace issues, along with family crisis and stress. (source) According to Fast Company Magazine, nearly 50% of six-figure salaried workers are plotting a job change this year. People are asking themselves, “What do I really want…for my family, from my job, in my life? The answer to those questions will have a direct impact on our future psychological and spiritual well-being.

My husband knew that the time was right to make a change. “If not now,” he said, “then when?” Even though we have two kids in college, five cars (because—teenagers!), a mortgage to pay, and kids in private school, we couldn’t keep putting off the decision. If we waited for the perfect time, we knew we would never make the leap. There would always be something tying us to where we are. He’s making the change because everything he’s done up until now has been preparing him for THIS. VERY. MOMENT.

You can have everything you’ve ever wanted and still feel empty.

What has God been preparing you to do?

Here are 5 things to consider as you ponder what’s next for you:

1) Often other people recognize our aptitudes before we do. Ask the people closest to you what gifts they see in you. Their answers might surprise you.

2) You don’t have to have your entire life journey planned out. Few people do. Life is organic, not linear. Be willing to explore new possibilities and the next right step will reveal itself.

3) Find a community that shares your values and inspires your ideas. I used to be a part of a cohort of entrepreneurs through an organization called Plywood People. I count the five years I spent with those women among the most growth-orienting years of my life. What I learned from them could not be replicated anywhere else.

4) Kids need their parents to model purpose and meaning, not privilege and entitlement. They can sense your restlessness. They know when you’re stressed. Show them what matters by doing work that counts.

5) Work on building wisdom, not a resume. There’s so much more to life than the work you do. No experience is ever wasted. Even if your job no longer challenges you in a way that makes you feel alive, you can still find ways to engage with the world.

In our family, we like to say that when the pain of staying is worse than the fear of change, it’s time to do something different. Sometimes you know what you have to do and you just do it. Sometimes, you need to take a breath and pray about it for a season. Sometimes, even with the best intentions in mind, it just doesn’t make sense to take that leap. And that’s okay. But if you’re being called to STAY, give your work the enthusiasm it craves and give your family the attention they deserve.

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.—Dolly Parton

When my friend Melanie’s dad retired from his work as a veterinarian, he gave a charge to the employees, and this is what he said—(Melanie wrote them down, and I saved them)—

What is work? Just a platform for relationships. Whatever we do, people are involved on some front. It’s that interface that matters. Work is just the bridge that makes the connection to people. (Thank you, Mr. Rickard)

Wherever we are, we can all do that.

The best of you is yet to come!

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WINSday on Wednesday--Who is in Your Parachute?

My oldest son got his private pilot’s license last year.

Today he was telling us about how he has to practice stalls in the air, and how if you don’t do it right you can send the plane into a nosedive and a tail spin.

Right after he told me that story, he asked if he could get a motorcycle.

This is a kid who loves adventure.

Whenever he travels and I ask him where’s he staying or how he plans to pay for stuff, he usually shrugs and says, “I’ll figure it out.”

If I told you he was 18, would you be surprised?

Teenage boys are:

Impulsive.
Risky.
Hard to insure.

Their frontal lobes are still developing.

My son, Gavin, never asks, “What would happen if…?”

His mantra is:

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”

— Helen Keller

Right now, so many of us are asking “What’s going to happen if________?” kinds of questions.

The future is uncertain. And maybe even a little scary. Of all the things I ever imagined could disrupt my daily life, I never imagined a deadly, contagious virus being one of them.

But just because I never imagined it doesn’t mean I can’t figure out how to do life in the midst of it.

You may be feeling stressed because of a change in your current job situation. Maybe your vacation plans got canceled. Your kids aren’t in school. The way you operate is totally different than it was even a month ago.

As our circumstances change, our vision for our lives does, too.

And I’ve found that I can only make sense of these circumstances within the context of my relationships.

Did you know that one of the most powerful indicators of a thriving life are the quality of your relationships? The warmth of people’s relationships has the most significant impact on human flourishing. (Beyond Happy, 121)

Remember when I asked my son where he was going to be sleeping on that recent spring break trip? He was fully prepared to sleep in an eno in a park, in the car, or even to pay off a college kid to share a place on the floor in his dorm.

My advice to him: Don’t be an idiot.

And don’t go anywhere by yourself.

“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”

— Dwight Schrute, The Office

You may never go up in a plane that was built in 1971 like my son, Gavin. You may never take a road trip without an itinerary or a reservation.

But you have encountered what it means to pivot. Covid-19 made sure of that. Our lives have taken a nosedive. We are smack dab in the middle of our own metaphorical tailspin. And I have to be honest—it doesn’t feel exciting or exhilarating.

It feels scary.

But that’s the very definition of adventure: an unusual and potentially hazardous experience that involves risk.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

— Proverbs 19:21

How are you making sense of all the uncertainty? Are your relationships helping you stay grounded? What’s your next, logical step? Who is keeping you accountable?

Like toddlers who put everything in their mouths (don’t do that, by the way), we are feeling our way through a new and unfamiliar world. Small children must learn to walk and run and jump, turn doorknobs, sort shapes, feed, wash, and dress themselves. They have definitive opinions about what they will drink and in what cup. In their quest to be independent, they are forging the very relationships that will ensure their mutual interdependence on one another for a lifetime.

For them, everyday is an adventure!

When it feels like the world is going into a tailspin, I’m glad we have each other.

I am learning how to work and do school while living in this new reality. The way I shop and spend time with friends is unfamiliar and awkward. I have to re-learn how to do some things that used to be very routine to me.

And so my advice to myself is the same as the advice I gave to my son: Don’t be an idiot, but don’t try to do everything by yourself either.

What we are experiencing right now will shape how we think and live in the future. Culture is changing every single day. Who we take with us is the most important decision we can make right now.

“A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him...will never be able throw away his life.”

— Viktor Frankl

My prayer for you is that you’ll thrive—FLOURISH—in this new space. Let’s not allow each other to go down in flames. Your people are your parachute. Social distancing can’t change that.

And don’t forget—within the epicenter of every scary adventure, the promise of opportunity and innovation lives, too.

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5 Things to Stop Doing Right Now

“At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.”

— Benjamin Franklin

So here’s to good judgment. Here’s to learning what didn’t work. Here’s to honoring your values. Here’s to doing something new and good and significant.

1) Stop all the rushing.

“I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, thens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing....Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”

— Ann Voskamp

“Where’s the fire?” my grandpa used to say when we bounded in and out of the house, tiny blurs on our way to a game or the refrigerator or to slam the door in a sibling’s face. You are afraid that the world will pass you by, that if you don’t keep up, then you’re time is up. Are you happier? Are you healthier? Are you present? So take a little break—not because you have all the time in the world, but because you know you don’t. The frenetic pace is only making you stressed out and burned out. It’s time to decide what truly matters.

2) Stop being stingy with your life—give away praise, money, and influence.

“The value of a life is always measured in the amount of it you give away.”

— Andy Stanley

We all know it’s better to give than to receive. Giving praise to others doesn’t mean there’s less for you. It’s time to stop being so self-centered and shift the focus to others for a change. Who can you lend your platform to? Who can you help raise up? Learning who we are and what we want is a lifelong process, but selflessness is a sure-fire cure for the insecurity you feel right now.

3) Stop eating, drinking, and sleeping like your health doesn’t matter.

“To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art.”

— M.K. Fisher

Because it does.

Eat well. Drink lots and lots of water (collagen!) and get your sleep. They call it beauty rest for a reason. Some people say they’ll sleep when they’re dead, but if you want to find yourself headed for an early grave, just keep coming up short in this area. Sleep is necessary for healing and memory, two things you’ll want to preserve in your 30s, 40s, and beyond.

It takes more strength to say no to yourself than anyone else, so don’t beat yourself up when you make bad choices, but remember—one good choice today leads to more good habits tomorrow.

4) Stop ignoring your best relationships.

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.”

— Charlie Tremendous Jones

I was talking with a friend going through something hard the other day, and she was apologizing for being upset about something.

“I just wish we could sit at my counter and eat cookies and drink tea instead of talking about this!” she said.

And I said, “The reason we can talk about this is because we’ve spent so much time sitting at your counter and eating cookies and drinking tea.”

All that time you thought you were wasting with your friends? That was time well spent. Try doing it with your husband, your kids, and even the people you don’t like as much but are in your life for better or for worse. Stop focusing on what makes you different from the people around you and start focusing on the things that connect you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is befriend someone who is not like you. Influence begins when friendship is born.

5) Stop talking about your age.

“Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.”

— Psalms 71:18

Nobody cares how old you are. Age is just a number, they say, but you never hear teenagers talking about colonoscopies, bad knees, mammograms, cellulite, wrinkles or muffin tops. It’s fun to turn 13, 16, 18, and 21. After that, a lot of people hardly acknowledge their birthdays. Even the big ones—30, 40, 50— are often marked with black balloons and “over the hill” jokes. Let’s stop it right now. Be an interesting person by continuing to do interesting things; it doesn’t matter if you’re a millenial or gen-xer or whatever. Be your wonderful self and leave the stereotypes to someone else. Whether you have new-found expertise or lifelong experience, you add value to the world. And by the way, retirement was created when most work was manual labor. Today’s work is more knowledge based. You’re not finished just because you’re older. I promise you one thing we could all use a little more of in this world is WISDOM.

When we become the best version of ourselves, the world around us becomes better too.

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The Good Life: It's a Question of WHO, not WHAT

FINDING YOUR “WHY”

In 1999, our family made our first-ever Amazon purchase. It was a book called Why We Buy: The Science of Shopping. I’m not sure you could have convinced 1999 Chantel that one day she'd not only be buying all her books on Amazon, but everything from batteries to cleaning supplies and even socks!

Paco Underhill, the book’s author, predicted that “online shopping would never overtake retail.” Boy, did he get it wrong! On Amazon, in addition to books, you can now purchase more than twelve million products.

There’s so many things we’re sure of when we’re young—we play games like M.A.S.H. that predict who we’ll marry and how many kids we’ll have and what kind of car we’ll drive. We go to college and think we’re prepared for work when we graduate. When you’re 22, you’ve got the whole world figured out.

In 1999, Gavin worked as a consultant for a large technology-based consulting firm, and I had just applied to medical school, not knowing that nine months after that I’d be giving birth to our first-born daughter.

Sometimes I think about the life we might have had—if Gavin had continued on the “partner” track at his big company and I had gone to medical school and become a big-shot doctor.

Thank goodness those predictions didn’t come true!

I used to think the “good life” was predicated on these “What do I want to be when I grow up” decisions, but the reality is the exact opposite:

A good life is born from a question of “who,” not “what.”

And what I mean by that is this:

Whether or not I went to medical school was irrelevant.
And whether or not Gavin stayed on the partner track was irrelevant.

We decided that who we were going to be together would always trump what we did with our lives. And our lives would never be the same.

By 2001, with another kid on the way, I knew for sure I’d never do the medical school thing.

And in September of that same year, when Gavin quit the consulting firm, a lot of people thought he was crazy, too. He had gotten a glimpse of his future—at men twice his age who spent the majority of their lives on the road, who’d been married two or even three times, and who barely knew their kids—and he finally said, “This isn’t for me.”

We never looked back.

Even though we didn’t know that one day we’d add two more kids to the mix.
Or that we’d fall in love with ministry.
Or that I’d start a nonprofit.
Or that we’d move to a place called Canton.

When we got married in 1996 we never could have guessed that the life we have now would be so beautiful and rich and full. And in 1999, when Gavin ordered Why We Buy: The Science of Shopping, not only did he have no idea that that first purchase would be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship with Amazon, but he had no idea that this book would inspire a whole host of questions.

Because why do we do any of the things we do?

For love?
Or for ambition?
Or because we don’t feel like we have any other choice?

What We Really Want

If we’re intentional about our lives, there is always a choice. We could have kept going, “kept our eyes on the prize,” so to speak, but for us, the prize was never the big house or the fancy car; it was always a purposeful, meaningful life together. We wanted margin to be creative, and we wanted to do work that felt meaningful. We wanted to be able to serve, but more importantly, we wanted to be able to love people well.

In 1999, we were buying a version of parenthood that we thought would serve us well. I’d be a stay at home mom for a year, then start medical school, and Gavin would continue consulting at his high end technology firm. We could figure out the logistics later.

But remember: in 1999, Paco Underhill didn’t think internet purchases would ever outpace brick-and-mortar retail, either.

He didn’t know what he didn’t know.

And neither did we.

I’m not sure you could have convinced 1999 Chantel that this life would be a better life.

But it is.

We did the best we could with the information we had at the time.

That’s all we can ever do.

Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to see into the future, but wherever you are, with the information you have, make the best decisions you can.

Sometimes I get annoyed when people ask me if I’m just a mom, and I think Gavin chuckles a little when people assume that as a pastor he only works one day a week. If we cared what people thought, we wouldn’t have been brave enough to do the work we’re doing now.

I think it all worked out okay.

“Open yourself up to the opportunities that are right in front of you, and the next step will reveal itself.”

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Well, You Never Asked!

“There’s a weird smell in the basement. Can you please find it?”

“Don’t tell me what to do!”
”You’re not the boss of me!”
”Why do I always have to be the one to (fill in the blank)?”

Twenty years ago, that might have been how this conversation went down in our house.

But today, after years of practicing and failing and finally figuring out how this marriage thing works, Gavin said,

“Sure!”

Ok, I’m lying.

He actually said, “Okaaayyyy” and then gave me that frowny-face look that means, “I don’t want to do this, but I will because I love you.”

We didn’t have to play rock-paper-scissors.
No one tried to bargain.
And best of all, no one got upset.

Even though Gavin “claimed” he smelled nothing, I knew for sure something was either rotten, dead, or hiding in the spare bedroom currently occupied by the teenage boy living in our house. Gavin spends the better part of most days at work while spend mine running up and down the stairs to take the dog out to the backyard. (I think I know what the basement is supposed to smell like.)

He agreed to check it out.

In our home, there’s a very clear balance of power:

One in which he does all the stinky stuff.

“Stinky stuff” includes things like cleaning up vomit and sterilizing the trash bin that’s in the garage.

We don’t keep score. It’s just the way things are.

Keeping score would be exhausting.

And besides, keeping score is what you do when you both play for two different teams.

But Gavin and I are on the same team! We’re not competing against each other. We are always working with and for each other.

And that’s why he agreed to scout out the weird smell in the basement without pushing back.

To be honest, I don’t even have the energy for push-come-to-shove kind of arguments. It’s hard enough to manage the energy for all the other stuff I have to do around here.

“Energy:
The capacity to do work”

— My Physics Textbook

Life is work, and anybody who tells you differently is either trying to sell you something or has been retired for entirely too long.

I don’t get up in the morning and go to a regular 9-5, but everyday I do carry something that’s been dubbed “The Mental Load.”

Here’s a funny cartoon that explains it perfectly

The mental load is the total sum of responsibilities that you take on to manage “the remembering of things.” It’s emotional labor, defined by Arlie Hochschild in the 1983 book The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling, as the process of managing emotions and relationships with others in order to be more successful at your job. Moreover, it’s largely invisible.

• Making the dentist appointments

• Buying the groceries

• Doing the laundry

• Scheduling maintenance

• Paying the bills

• Setting the alarms

• Remembering birthdays, anniversaries

• Scheduling social outings

• Researching vacation spots, educational opportunities, summer camps, etc.

• Purchasing gifts

• Coordinating family pictures

• Mailing the holiday cards

The pace and strain of being in charge of all these time-consuming, menial tasks takes its toll. While the perception may be that this invisible work is insignificant, it is hardly inconsequential.

Is there anyone out there who hasn’t felt exhausted, overwhelmed, and burned out because she was responsible for #allthethings?

“To feel valued and valuable is as compelling a need as food. The more our value feels at risk, the more preoccupied we become with defending and restoring it, and the less value we’re capable of creating in the world.”

— Tony Schwartz, CEO, The Energy Project

There’s a feeling among some women that you shouldn’t have to ask for help, that the people that love you, especially your spouse, should inherently “know” what you need and offer to help before being asked.

Let me tell you a secret: Because the mental load is carried in our minds and because no one has yet figured out how to read minds,

Ima gonna have to ask for help when I need it.

The load I carry—so heavy and overwhelming at times—no one ever asked me to carry it. It is a burden I have placed on myself.

I know what you’re thinking:

“If I don’t do all those things, then nothing will ever get done!”

And you might be right. The smell in the basement was bothersome to me, not to anyone else. If I had kept silent, I’d be sitting here tonight pinching my nose and praying for a drop-shipment of Febreeze.

but Don’t let pride be the barrier that keeps you from asking for exactly what you need.

We want things to be fair.
We want things to be even.
But when one spouse begins keeping score everybody loses.
There are no winners.

So where does that leave us?

There’s a saying in our house that we use whenever we’re talking about someone who needs more experience or doesn’t understand something we think she should; we say, “She just needs a few more birthdays.”

And I guess that goes for married people, too.

“We just need a few more anniversaries.”

After awhile, you realize it’s just not worth it to stay silent and hope he figures out that the bed needs made or the dishwasher unloaded or the toilet paper changed.

Just ask.

It takes two seconds!

And I’ve got news for you, things will never be fair. They will never be even. And honestly, I don’t think I would even want it that way.

In a fair world, I would have been the one looking for the weird smell in the basement.

“She who smelt it dealt it,” Am I right?

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