When Progress Means Backward Motion

Progress.

I’ve always liked that word because progress feels like I’m doing something. Something important. Something that matters. Progress means I’m going someplace good.

And making progress is fun because it’s the physical embodiment of that up-and- to-the-right graph that’s prized by researchers the world over.

But thinking about progress can also invoke fear. As a kid, I dreaded the progress report sent home by teachers every four and a half weeks. Was I “on track?” Was I “a joy to have in class?” Did I “spend too much time talking?” That report told me exactly where I stood at that exact moment in time.

So progress is good, but also scary. How much progress we’ve made has implications in a wide variety of fields. We want to see forward movement. That’s why I was surprised a couple of weeks ago when I heard Adam Grant as a guest on Hidden Brain talking about how progress sometimes means going backward.

Wait. What?

Going Back

He said that in order to progress, you need to imagine alternative realities, and sometimes that means you will have to change the way you do things. For example, he said, suppose you want to become a faster typist, but you’ve spent your whole life hunting and pecking. You can hunt and peck all you want, but you’ll never be as fast as the person who learned how to use the keyboard by memorizing the home row and going from there. When you’re introduced to this new way of typing, you’re going to be pretty slow…at first. And that’s okay. You WILL get faster because the new and improved process of learning and the system it utilizes insures a faster typing speed.

Adam said,

Progress rarely happens in a straight line. It typically unfolds in loops. Day by day, it can feel like you're spinning your wheels.

The Downside of Accountability

After a fancy dinner at The Optimist last week, I told my family I was going to “up” my cooking game. No doubt there will be many kitchen disasters on my way to gourmet chef. To be sure, every meal doesn’t have to be a culinary work of art—even though I want it to be! Trying new techniques might feel like wasting ingredients. Taste is nuanced and personal. Everyone in my family can’t be expected to like everything I make.

I used to be a part of a cohort of entrepreneurs. The people in that group proved to be great accountability partners, but our monthly meetings left me feeling pressured to report only what was going well. That wasn’t the intention, of course. My own insecurity is what kept me from being totally vulnerable about the things I tried that didn’t work. But now I know what it means to “fail forward.” What we learn through failure makes the next step possible.

If this is the year that you’ve resolved either to try something new or to get better at something you’re already doing, I hope you find the idea of going backward for a time as a bit of encouragement. I know that doing so feels like the opposite of progress, but when you approach the experience with curiosity about what you can learn through the process, the pain of going backwards feels a little more bearable.

The Science Behind the Theory

I want to leave you with this final thought, and it’s a scientific principle that we can apply to life. A lot of people think speed and velocity are the same thing. The reality is that speed is how fast you’re going, but velocity is how fast you’re going in a specific direction. Adam Grant said that progress can feel like spinning your wheels, and it can if you’re not paying attention to direction.

We all want progress. But..if you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.—CS Lewis

Keep going, my friend. Just remember that going backwards might be just the direction you need to take right now.

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What if Success is About What You Have to Leave Behind?

The Words We Use

If you’ve ever studied another language, you know that words that are familiar to us in our own language, often mean something different in the language we’re learning.

In Spanish, for example, the word PIE does not mean delicious Thanksgiving dessert. It means FOOT.

SOPA, though it sounds like our word for SOAP, actually means SOUP.

And EMBARAZADO, contrary to popular opinion, doesn’t mean EMBARRASSED, but PREGNANT.

You can see how you could easily get into trouble misrepresenting any of these words in normal conversation. Things could get awkward fast.

Like, “ Mmmm…No puedo esperar poner un tenedor in ese PIE hermoso.”
Translation: “Mmmm…I can’t wait to put a fork in that beautiful FOOT.”

Or

“Esta SOPA es tan deliciosa. Voy a comerla todos los dias.”
Translation: “This SOAP is so delicious: I’m going to eat it everyday.”

Or

Ella esta EMBARAZADA porque se cayo de la cama anoche.
Translation: She is PREGNANT because she fell off the bed last night.

Is that how that works? I had no idea!

But there are some words, that even though they don’t mean what you think they SHOULD mean, nevertheless, have interesting hidden meanings.

In Spanish, the word for SUCCESS is EXITO. Sounds a lot like our English word for EXIT, doesn’t it? And I don’t think that’s a coincidence. There’s something beautiful about walking out from some dark space and through that wide door with the glowing EXIT sign suspended over it and into the wide, bright world of something better.

SUCCESS

Success means something different to different people. There is no one definition. Asking “What does success mean to you?” is like asking someone what “family” means or even something as mundane as “vacation.” Our definitions are different because our values are different.

I love the imagery of thinking about success in terms of what you want to leave behind. Closing that metaphorical door can be a thought-provoking, visual example of what it means to move forward after loss, oppression, or a simple change in circumstances.

What we carry with us might be heavy. There’s a strong chance that burden won’t fit through the door anyway. We need to shed it before we can move toward our ultimate calling.

Don’t cross the threshold until you’ve dropped the mantle of self-doubt, comparison, and envy. No matter your definition of success, these three things can have no part in it. I know I’m preaching to the choir—I’m actually preaching to myself—because self-doubt, comparison, and envy follow me everywhere I go.

Today’s the day that I tell them I’m leaving them behind for good!

You probably have conflicting emotions over what you’re leaving behind, too. Welcome those feelings for what they are: a visceral response or reaction to a moment in time. Time moves. And so do you. You won’t always feel the way you do right now.

Leave behind the scarcity mindset that threatens to jeopardize what you want most. As Aaron Burr so famously said at the end of Hamilton the musical, “the world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me.”

And you.

Yes, the world is big enough for all of us, and your success does not threaten mine—and vice versa.

The last thing to leave behind is ungratefulness. I say this only because even painful experiences have value. To discount those experiences is an insult to everyone who has ever overcome a difficult situation and used it to do something great. In fact, many (dare I say most?) of the people we venerate as successful have overcome unimaginable hardship to achieve their goals.

What’s Next

If you’ve been following this blog for the last year, then you know that in October 2021, my husband and I purchased a coffee shop in town. This summer, we made the difficult decision to close it. Our last day was September 3rd. We live in a society that often elevates the entrepreneur who keeps going despite evidence to the contrary. For us, the decision was difficult and fraught with emotion, made easier only because we knew we would be able to sell both the business and the assets. That dream died three hours before our scheduled closing last week. I have so many questions, not the least of which is “Why?” and “What is the purpose of this?” We closed the business because it demanded something from our family we weren’t willing to give. And whether or not anyone else understands that doesn’t really matter. We have peace about what we left behind. I can’t say I haven’t struggled over the last month with the meaning of both success and failure. Ultimately, however, I came to the conclusion that when I get to the end of my life and plot the important points along the timeline of my journey, this experience will be just that—a dot on the page—something we tried and did and learned from and ultimately left behind.

For what?

That remains to be seen. To say I’m a bit emotional is an understatement.

Fun Fact: The Spanish word for emotional is not EMOCIONADA. That word actually means EXCITED.

And it IS exciting to start something new. Yo estoy emocionada! (I am excited!)

Do you agree? If so, let’s take a journey toward “better” together.

Can a Toy Teach a Kid How to be a Successful Adult?

In 1999, business partners Jennifer Fine and Jennifer Hamlin collaborated to create a line of dolls designed to take the world by storm. These career-forward icons of the doll world would topple Barbie on her pretty little head by re-imagining how girls play.

Girl power!
Achievement!
You can be anything!

Unless you’re Ashley the Attorney or Emily the Entrepreneur. These “smart friends for smart girls” captured the public’s attention for one brief moment at the turn of the century.

Game over.

Like 90% of new businesses, the company folded in 2001, a real tragedy considering the dolls were even featured as one of Oprah’s Favorite Things of 1999.

Ouch.

Being an entrepreneur is hard.

I should know.

A few years ago, I also launched a doll company with the goal of reimagining how kids play. Built on a foundation of generosity and friendship, our dolls honored kids with cancer and helped kids who care learn how to be better friends.

What we discovered, however, is that kids don’t need adults to tell them how to play with their toys.

They’re really awesome at doing that all by themselves!

Every mammalian kiddo across the planet engages in some form of play. Play helps animals discover their abilities and learn their limits, two skills crucial for both survival and success.

At a seminar I attended way back in 2001, parenting coach and author John Rosemond said, “Kids only need like three or four toys: a ball, some blocks, a few crayons, and a stack of books.”

Just three or four toys?

I couldn’t believe it!

And yet…

Think about all the the things you can do with just the toys I mentioned:

Let’s take the ball, for example:

Bounce it.
Throw it.
Catch it.
Carry it.
Roll it.
Pass it.
Pop it.

A ball can be used to play a game of kickball, baseball, tetherball, or 4-square.

And what little girl hasn’t stuffed a ball under her shirt, and shouted, “Look! I’m pregnant!” Who hasn’t used a giant ball as a makeshift seat or a tiny one as ammunition aimed at a younger sibling’s head?

Sure, Taylor the Teacher, Destiny the Doctor, and Jessica the Journalist arrived with some really cool accessories: miniature chalk, stethoscopes, and press passes, just to name a few. But while those things were cool (and teeny weeny), did they really inspire kids to be attorneys, doctors, and journalists?

I would venture that using math to perfect the ratio of dirt and water for a proper mud pie would be better preparation for a career in education. Following a stray ball into the woods and ending up with an angry case of poison ivy might ignite a passion for medicine. And staying up late into the night pouring out our feelings into a journal could be just the confidence-booster our kids need to realize a career in journalism.

The REALITY

Playthings don’t really prepare kids for the roles they will one day lead. Over and over again, psychologists point to toys such as balls, blocks, and books as the devices that do the real heavy lifting. In fact, scientists confirm that fewer toys actually help kids focus longer and play more creatively.

The smart lesson we should have all learned by now: A child doesn’t need to be told how to play, no more than a kitten needs instructions for pouncing on a string or a puppy needs his mama to show him how to catch a frisbee.

All animals instinctively know how to play.

We spend our lives playing because we spend our lives learning. It’s all one big “Choose Your Own Adventure” where anything can happen. What prepares us for our roles—whether we’re a homemaker or a hack saw operator—is the time we spend figuring out how to innovate, create, solve problems, work out solutions, make amends, and adapt—using whatever the heck is right in front of us.

We don’t need fancy stuff. We just need…STUFF.

But if Emily the Entrepreneur taught me one important lesson it’s that there’s no such thing as a “big break.” Just because you land on Oprah’s List of Favorite Things doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy a lifetime of success.

When the blocks fall down, rebuild.
When the ball rolls away, go after it.
When the crayons break, color gently.
And when the book ends, write a new story.

It’s true—90% of first-time businesses do fail. But you know what else is true? 90% of entrepreneurs who pick up the pieces and start again—SUCCEED.

The first game I ever played I played without any toys at all, and I bet you played it too. Remember the magical world of MAKE BELIEVE? Yes! That fantastical place where anything can happen and anything can be? You can go there right now. If you can dream it, you can do it.

If you are one of the 12.3 million female entrepreneurs in the United States today, my advice to you is this: Never stop playing.

You’ll figure it out.

And if at first you don’t succeed, you can always try again. Chances are good—next time, you’ll find your way.

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The Extra Terrific Reading Group

Trying to figure out how to be successful is like trying to rescue a cat from a high tree.

Just when we think we’ve got him cornered, the darn thing climbs a little higher, wedges himself between two awkward branches, or worst of all…decides to jump! And suddenly, here we are, literally trying to find a net to break the fall because we know—it’s inevitable—we’re getting back in that tree. There’s always another cat to save.

Ruth Reichl, memoirist and former editor of Gourmet Magazine, knows a lot about success..and failure.

In 2009, Ruth Reichl’s editorship at Gourmet Magazine ended both abruptly and unexpectedly. Reichl was devastated, The end was immediate; even the Christmas issue, already ready to go, was casually tossed aside. But instead of going home and drowning her sorrows, she hit the road on the new Gourmet Today cookbook press tour. Of that time, Reichl recalls, “I really thought I would never get another job.”

Before becoming editor at Gourmet, she had been the food critic for both the L.A. Times and the New York Times, and she had already written the bestselling memoir, Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise.

Did she really think she couldn’t get another job?

But that’s what disappointment does to us.

It convinces us of the lie that we’re not good enough, have never been good enough, and certainly won’t ever be good enough to do anything well ever again. We might has well just quit.

Isn’t that what everybody wants us to do anyway?

Every time I sit down at the computer, I feel like I don’t have anything to say. Or I feel like there’s somebody else out there who has already said all the words. Not only that, these other writers who have already said all the words have already said those words better than me.

But I also know that every time I sit down at the computer to write, I am writing with my unique voice. And maybe I’m saying something in a new way or in a way that allows someone to understand an old idea in a different way.

Words became a part of me before I ever realized what they could do, tracing out letters like “C-A-T” and “M-A-T” with my index finger before I ever tried to write one of my own.

But it was in the third grade that I knew I had found my true love.

While other kids were playing tetherball and four-square, made friendship pins, and asked the Magic 8 Ball all their most interesting questions, I was practicing words with my trusty Speak and Spell and playing make-believe with characters that lived in my head, not my class.

My favorite subject was reading. And when the teacher divided us into groups, I wasn’t at all surprised to find myself in the E.T.’s It was 1983, and E.T. was the most popular movie in theaters, so we dubbed ourselves the E.T.’s—The Extra Terrific Reading Group. It was pretentious, we knew, but darned if we cared—WE WERE EXTRA TERRIFIC!

The Extra Terrific Reading Group actually had a lot to do with how I consume books now.

That early start formed the foundation of my education—not only in school but in life. I read books because more than anything I loved to learn.

In the last few months, I have stockpiled all kinds of books: classics from my years studying 18th century literature, youth fiction, children’s books, memoirs, accounts of social justice, Christian living, and even books on community revitalization (I promise it’s a lot more interesting than it sounds).

But while many might scoff at my varied book choices, each and every one helps shape the way I think about the world and the people in it. The books have helped me discover new hobbies and have given me a voice for a wide range of topics—some of which have become stepping stones for opportunities I never would have otherwise had.

When Gourmet Magazine told Reichl it was over, she immediately began work on My Kitchen Year: 136 Recipes that Saved My Life: A Cookbook. It’s actually only part cookbook. At 352 pages, it’s mostly memoir.

Why did she write a book when she thought she was finished as both an editor and an expert in cooking?

Because we all have that thing we do that makes us who we are. It’s the thing that can’t be squashed, no matter the failure.

And Ruth Reichl wasn’t finished.

In fact, she took her own advice:

“I’d learned an important lesson: When something frightens me, it is definitely worth doing.”

— Ruth Reichl

Reichl eventually wrote six more books, including my favorite, Tender at the Bone and her most recent, Save Me the Plums, which chronicles her decade-long career at Gourmet.

My favorite quote from that book is:

“The best antidote for sadness, I have always believed, is tackling something that you don’t know how to do.”

— Ruth Reichl, Save Me the Plums

I don’t know what I’m doing much of the time. I’m often frustrated, confused, irritated, dumbfounded, and exhausted.

But I’m not sad.

Learning always brings me joy.

And when it comes to learning, I always start with books.

In periods of deep sadness, what do you turn to to bring you comfort? Is there something you don’t know how to do that you’d like to learn? What’s your first step in figuring how to do it?

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What I’m reading:

The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton
Following Jesus by Henri J.M. Nouwen
Call of the Wild by Jack London
Between the World and Me by Ta -Nehist Coates
Ida B. by Katherine Hannigan