Purposeful Parenting (Part 5): The Responsibility is Ours

When I first began writing the series on Purposeful Parenting, my intention was to give parents a framework for understanding and relating to their kids. What I thought would be a hard core focus on intentional parenting turned out instead to be a commentary on intentional living.

It wasn’t so much about our kids as it was about us.

Combating bullying, making wise choices, and struggling with identity don’t end magically when our kids are all grown up. Getting them through elementary school or middle school or high school is just the beginning. Life is full of learning opportunities.

Friends always ask me to recommend books and websites.

They don’t need them.

There’s nothing magical out there that will help us be better parents to our kids. It’s what’s in here–and by in here, I mean all the things you’ve learned up until now–prayer, of course, and the things your parents taught you–both good and bad–and the things you’ve learned through slogging through your own websites, books, and good old fashion trial and error. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you already hold the power to instilling your kids with the confidence they need to make wise choices.

DOROTHY Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
DOROTHY I have?
SCARECROW Then why didn’t you tell her before?
GLINDA Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

It’s true.

So much of parenting can’t be taught. We just have to figure it out. We fail over and over again. Like me, maybe you end every single day regretting at least one thing you’ve done. Every. Single. Day. My poor first-born. She’s the guinea pig for every new thing we try because there’s so much we still don’t know.

Here’s the one thing I do know:

Even when my kids act like they’re not paying attention to us, they are. Like little spies, they’re watching us for clues on how to relate to the world around them. 

Every time I say an unkind word about another person, they hear me.
Every time I express jealousy or disappointment, they know.
Every time I lash out at them because I’m tired or irritated or both, they internalize it.

Scary, isn’t it?

I only want my kids to see the kind, pro-people side of me. And I’ve found the more I publicly honor the people that get under my skin, the easier it is to believe these things myself. That’s why they need to see me encouraging my friends, respecting my elders, and honoring my siblings publicly.

I’ll never forget the day my first grader came home upset because a friend told her she couldn’t be in a dance they’ve been planning since the beginning of the year and she could no longer be in Friend Club, either (a secret club that meets out on the playground during recess). I wanted to say, “This girl is bossy. She’s being mean to you, and I don’t like the way she’s acting.” Nothing would have been wrong with me saying that. It was all true. But I knew if I did then Cari Jill would think it’s okay to call people bossy and mean, and the words, “I don’t like the way you’re acting” could easily be mis-translated as “I don’t like you.”

So instead, I said, “How did that make you feel? Honey, nobody can make you feel about bad about yourself unless you let them. Do you think there’s anyone else in your class who is sad that they don’t get to be a part of the dance or in the Friends Club? What could you do to help them feel included?” The dialogue turned into a great conversation about what it means to be a good friend instead of a bashing session about a bad one.

It’s work. It’s practice. It’s do-overs. But then again, responsibility always is. You already know what to do. Really, you do. Purposeful Parenting is mostly just about paying attention. And asking yourself every day, “What kind of parent did I need when I was younger?”

Thank you for being a part of this blog series. I hope we can continue to  encourage each other together.

What are your best tips for purposeful parenting? Please share in the comments below. And if you found any of these five parts helpful, I’d love for you to share them with your friends.

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 4:) How to Take Care of You

You are a mom.

You are also a chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, teacher, and CEO. You get up early. You go to bed late. You always feel like you’re being pulled in a hundred directions.

Do you ever wonder when someone is going to do something for you? You don’t have to be a martyr, but you do need to take care of you.

Resentment grows when we neglect to do the things that fuel and inspire us.

A few years ago, I attended a business retreat that also included some personal soul-searching. We took a piece of poster board and divided it into four quadrants. On each section, we wrote:  Things That Sustain My Soul, Things That Invigorate My Life, Things I Need to Take Hold Of, and Things I Need to Let Go.

Just writing down the things that sustain my soul and invigorate my life made my heart skip a beat. My list included date nights, bubble baths, hot tea, dark chocolate, naps, and deep friendships. Equally empowering was my Let Go list, which included selfishness, a perfect house, and proving myself–among other things.  

Maybe most eye opening, however, were the things I need to Take Hold Of. I wrote down that I needed to affirm my husband more and spend more intentional time with my kids. That list was hard to write because those are things I want to do, I should do, and I need to do, but—honestly—I find hard to do. We need to “take hold” because these things are easy to ignore or put off when pressing needs compete for our attention.

I don’t know if you’re a list person (I’m not), but I have to admit that lists have the ability to condense complicated information into easily digestible sound bites. I liked this exercise because it forced me to reflect on areas that need a little work and dream of a future that still makes time for all the things I love. By themselves, the lists don’t help much, but by grouping the Four Things I gained the perspective of seeing both the life-giving and draining patterns side-by-side. Identifying patterns helped direct my focus.

Give yourself a break.

A parent’s work is never done. But your job does not define you. And your kids need to see who you are as a person. When you show them what’s important to you–what sustains and invigorates you–they get to see somebody who’s not just mommy or daddy. They get to see a real, live human being, complete with hopes and dreams and favorite things. When you share the things you love with them, you give them permission to love things, too. In the process, you may find common ground. And who doesn’t want a deeper level of connection with their kids?

Parenting isn’t about balancing life with kids and life without them. It’s about finding fullness in the midst of both.

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WINSday on Wednesday--Transitioning Well

Today’s WINSday on Wednesday inspiration comes from Liz Lewis, the be-boppin', hip hoppin' creative behind some of the best character-driven songs for kids at North Point Ministries.

How to be an Adult

According to MSN Lifestyle, “Adulthood is a nuanced transition that occurs over three decades.” Psychologists have added the term “emerging adulthood” to describe people in their twenties who feel like they’re not teenagers anymore but aren’t quite “adults” yet either. And while, legally, you become an adult at the age of 18, scientists now say that you don’t really become fully adult until age 30, which is the age when your brain reaches full development.

Our emotional development, unfortunately, doesn’t always align perfectly with our physical development. I mean, when did you feel like an adult? When you graduated college? Landed your first real job? Got married? Had kids? Is it when you turned 21?

I’d have to say that for me it was the first time a kid answered one of my questions with that southern standby: “Yes ma’am.”

There is no agreed upon age or stage for adulthood because everyone’s experience is different.

But one thing we do all experience is transition.

Periods of transition occur at different times in our lives, providing tricky overlap at key developmental stages. Remember getting zits and armpit hair? Remember when your feet felt too big and your breasts too small? That was—ummmm— AWKWARD.

There’s no denying it—Transition can be super awkward. But we grow into the shoes and out of the training bra. Someone teaches us how to use concealer and a razor.

Transition is temporary. It is not a pause, even though it might feel like time slows down during the difficult ones. Transitions actually keep the action/work/life moving forward.

In writing, we use transitions to help readers understand how thoughts and ideas are connected.

Some examples include words like:

• And

• But

• So

• Because

For example:

I am a mom, and I am a chef, and I am a chauffeur, and I am a teacher.

But I am also an entrepreneur.

So I’ll have to figure out how to do it all.

Because that’s what women do best.

Writers use transitions so that ideas flow smoothly.

But often in life, we describe transitions with words like “rocky” or “scary” or as we mentioned previously, “awkward.”

Moms have no clearly defined role, and so the whole motherhood thing can feel like one giant transition, the space between who we were when we were single and in charge of only ourselves and who we are becoming with people who are both a part of us and apart from us.

Unlike our comrades in the workplace, we have no onboarding manual that tells us what to expect or what to do.

The normal rules of transition: Take notes, immerse yourself in company culture, and devise your own 90-day success plan just aren’t realistic advice for women transitioning from motherhood to work or from work to motherhood or from motherhood to empty nesterhood.

We face new responsibilities and new challenges every single day.

As our kids grow up, they don’t necessarily need us less, but they do need us in different ways. We need to let go. Maybe don’t need to kiss boo-boos, but we still have a role to play—we will become their advisors and coaches. Hopefully, we’ll also be a safe place to land in a world riddled with disappointment and pain.

As they become who they are meant to be, we rediscover latent passions. We have the bandwidth to pursue our own purpose. This new freedom might feel foreign and frightening.

But in the transition, we find margin. Don’t be afraid of the space. Margin means opportunity. Transitions hold a world of possibility—we get to take everything that came before and leverage it for what’s next.

And the best part is there’s no right or wrong way to do it.

“Perfectionism is not only the enemy of the good; it is the enemy of adulthood.”

— Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult

Ready to take it to the next level?

If you missed our interview with Liz Lewis, you can catch up here.