How is NOT the Right Question to Ask

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Let me rephrase that.
How is not the right FIRST question to ask.

Hey there, friend.

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in a rut?

You’ve got a big idea, but you’re not sure…
(I’m cringing now because I don’t want to say this next part)
…HOW to get started.

I know.

Yikes.

The big HOW.
It’s a loaded question. And for someone like me, someone who likes to have all the answers so she never looks stupid in front of a crowd, it really is the question of all questions.

How stops me in my tracks.
Every.
Single.
Time.

The world is changing—FAST—and I’m starting to feel like I don’t understand anything. How is trying to become a regular part of my own vocabulary.

Don’t worry—I won’t let it!

The weird thing is that I’ve always hated this question—not because I might not have the right answer, but because I think we miss out on something very important when this becomes the FIRST question we ask.

Let me explain.

There’s a Peter Block quote that I’ve been thinking about lately:

“There is depth in the question, ‘How do I do this?’ that is worth exploring. The question is a defense against the action. It is a leap past the question of purpose, past the question of intentions, and past the drama of responsibility. The question ‘How?’ more than any other question looks for the answer outside of us. It is an indirect expression of our doubt.”

— Peter Block

Purpose, Intentions, and Responsibility

Let’s dive right in.

Block says the question of “how” is a DEFENSE against action.

Ouch.

It is a leap past the question of purpose, past the question of intentions, and past the drama of responsibility.

Triple Ouch.

I gotta be honest. I read a lot of online news, follow a lot of blogs, and listen to a lot of podcasts about culture and invention and progress, and while loading up on all that inspiring content can be really encouraging, I can easily get lost as a spectator to other people’s accomplishments.

Yep, I hear it when I write it. 🤦‍♀️

Maybe I should be working on something of my own.

Purpose, Intention, and Responsibility aren’t questions at all. They are reflections of what we value and determine how we move in the world.

The real, almost visceral question of how can be such a downer when you aspire to live in a world of purpose and accomplishment.

It reeks of FEAR.

Of course, whenever I’m thinking about something big that I don’t understand I go to THE BOOK to see what God said about it, and I found a few examples I’d like to share here: In every case study, the main character went to God with the question that’s been on the forefront of my own mind lately: HOW???

In Genesis 18, God tells Abraham that he will be the father of a great nation, which was clearly hilarious to both Abraham and Sarah. No one their age got pregnant and had children. At the time, our modern concept of what a “nation” is didn’t even exist. People lived in tribal communities. So HOW was God going to create a nation from the loins of Abraham?

Genesis 18:11: Abraham and Sarah were both very old by this time, and Sarah was long past the age of having children. so she laughed silently to herself and said, “How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master, my husband, is also so old?”

Pretty bold when you think about it. Would you laugh at an audible promise from God?

Now consider this exchange between Moses and God outlined in Exodus 3:10:

Now I am sending you to the king of Egypt so that you can lead my people out of his country. but Moses said to God, “I am nobody. How can I go to the king and bring the Israelites of Egypt?

At the time, the Bible records about 600,000 men who ended up leaving with Moses. Including women and children the number could have been closer to 2 million, nearly half of Egypt’s total population.

No wonder Moses had some reservations about leading God’s people out of Egypt! How do you coordinate travel plans without the ease of communicating via the Internet? 🤷‍♀️

It wasn’t easy being an Israelite.

Years later, God instructs Gideon to save Israel from the hands of the Mideonites. This guy was woefully unprepared. If he was applying for a job today, the interviewer would have said, “You lack experience.” Code for “we need someone older.” But more politically correct.

Judges 6:15: “Please, my Lord,” Gideon replied, “How can I save Israel? Indeed, my clan is the weakest in Manassah, and I am the youngest in my father’s house.”

Even though God had come through for Israel again and again, they often needed reminding. Jeremiah ultimately became one of the greatest prophets in Israel. He is best known for his prophecies of gloom and doom. Soon, he would warn Israel that if they didn’t get their act together, they were destined for destruction.

But not yet.

This, apparently, was not a message that Jeremiah wanted to deliver. A message like this wasn’t going to help him win any popularity contests.

According to Jeremiah 1:6, he said, “Alas, Sovereign Lord…I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

Ok, let’s fast-forward a bit for a sneak peek into the life of David before he became the greatest King Israel had ever known. We see David happen upon a face-off between the people of Israel and the giant Goliath, who is mercilessly taunting them. The Israelites, cowering in his wake, ask, “How?” What we see here, however, is that David (the one who ends up overcoming the giant) actually doesn’t pose this question at all. (Hmmm…we’ll come back to this later.)

One of the first encounters with God we see in the New Testament occurs when Zechariah is in the temple of the Lord. According to Luke 1, an angel of the Lord appears before Zechariah and tells him that his barren wife, Elizabeth, will bear him a son. In a deja vu moment that harkens back to the days of Sarah and Abraham, Zechariah asks,

“How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.”

In the very same chapter, God sends the angel Gabriel to Mary to tell her about the baby she will carry, the one that will change the world forever. Mary is young and healthy, but there’s a twist.

Luke 1:34: Mary asked the angel, “How can this be? I’m a virgin.”

And yet it does come to be.

All grown up, wherever Jesus goes, crowds follow. On one account, more than five thousand people gather in the hot sun to hear Jesus teach. Lunchtime approaches, the people are getting hungry—very hungry—but the disciples aren’t operating a restaurant. How will they feed so many?

John 6:8: Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up. “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”

In every single case, God responds with some version of these words: “Listen, kid, don’t worry. I will be with you. Is there anything too hard for ME?”

And that’s where I think we get hung up.

We think that doing incredible work depends on us.

And okay, yeah, I believe in hard work, too. I also believe that we worship THE GOD OF HOW. We don’t always have to have all the answers. Maybe purpose, intention, and responsibility are enough to carry us.

You may be thinking, “But God hasn’t audibly spoken to me. God hasn’t sent an angel to me. I haven’t walked alongside the living, breathing Jesus.”

Maybe not.

But you have something equally as rich and powerful.

Hebrews 4: 12 says, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

What is interesting to me in all the examples in both the Old and New Testament is that God performed his miracles by meeting his people exactly where they were and invited them to use only what they already possessed. No one had to go and get a special degree or make sweeping changes in order for the plan to be completed. They simply had to trust God’s purpose, act with intention, and keep straight who was responsible for what.

So…

If “How” isn’t the first question we should ask, what IS the first question?

Here’s the one I keep coming back to:

““Will you go with me, God?””

There’s a promise that shows up again and again, of God saying, “I will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6, 31:8, Joshua 1:5, Psalms 27:9, 1 Chronicles 28:20 among others ) and then of Jesus saying “And I will ask the Father and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever” (John 14:16).

I told you that I would come back to the David and Goliath story.

Isn’t it interesting that all the people around David asked that question, and yet David never did? Poor David. Young David. Weak David. He possessed no special skills or equipment. In fact, 1 Samuel tells us that “David left his things with the keeper of supplies, ran to the battle lines, and asked his brothers how they were” (1 Samuel 17:22). When Saul realized that David was bold enough to actually fight the Philistine, he gave him a coat of armor, a bronze helmet, and a sword.

But David took them off.

That’s right. He shed the fancy fighting equipment, and instead gathered his shepherd staff, along with a few rocks and a sling, and then approached the Philistine.

And then he said what I wish I was brave enough to say:

“For the battle is the Lord’s (v. 47)

We all face giants, seemingly insurmountable obstacles that threaten to squash us or humiliate us. We think we have to have all the answers. We ask HOW like the battle is ours to win.

But like David, who said that all glory and honor would go to God, we too need to remember that this life isn’t about us. If I want to bring glory and honor to God through purposeful living, I don’t need to ask HOW, I just need to be willing to ask God to come with me.

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***Fun Fact: When I was a camper at Camp WinShape for Girls in the 80s and 90s, we engaged in a Native American storytelling tradition around the campfire that invited listeners to say the word “wow” when something sad or disappointing was shared and “how” during moments of great triumph. I always thought the counselors had got it mixed up, but nope—HOW was what you said when you agreed with the storyteller! It was not a question of doubt, but rather a proclamation of awe.

Purposeful Parenting (Part 5): The Responsibility is Ours

When I first began writing the series on Purposeful Parenting, my intention was to give parents a framework for understanding and relating to their kids. What I thought would be a hard core focus on intentional parenting turned out instead to be a commentary on intentional living.

It wasn’t so much about our kids as it was about us.

Combating bullying, making wise choices, and struggling with identity don’t end magically when our kids are all grown up. Getting them through elementary school or middle school or high school is just the beginning. Life is full of learning opportunities.

Friends always ask me to recommend books and websites.

They don’t need them.

There’s nothing magical out there that will help us be better parents to our kids. It’s what’s in here–and by in here, I mean all the things you’ve learned up until now–prayer, of course, and the things your parents taught you–both good and bad–and the things you’ve learned through slogging through your own websites, books, and good old fashion trial and error. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you already hold the power to instilling your kids with the confidence they need to make wise choices.

DOROTHY Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
DOROTHY I have?
SCARECROW Then why didn’t you tell her before?
GLINDA Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

It’s true.

So much of parenting can’t be taught. We just have to figure it out. We fail over and over again. Like me, maybe you end every single day regretting at least one thing you’ve done. Every. Single. Day. My poor first-born. She’s the guinea pig for every new thing we try because there’s so much we still don’t know.

Here’s the one thing I do know:

Even when my kids act like they’re not paying attention to us, they are. Like little spies, they’re watching us for clues on how to relate to the world around them. 

Every time I say an unkind word about another person, they hear me.
Every time I express jealousy or disappointment, they know.
Every time I lash out at them because I’m tired or irritated or both, they internalize it.

Scary, isn’t it?

I only want my kids to see the kind, pro-people side of me. And I’ve found the more I publicly honor the people that get under my skin, the easier it is to believe these things myself. That’s why they need to see me encouraging my friends, respecting my elders, and honoring my siblings publicly.

I’ll never forget the day my first grader came home upset because a friend told her she couldn’t be in a dance they’ve been planning since the beginning of the year and she could no longer be in Friend Club, either (a secret club that meets out on the playground during recess). I wanted to say, “This girl is bossy. She’s being mean to you, and I don’t like the way she’s acting.” Nothing would have been wrong with me saying that. It was all true. But I knew if I did then Cari Jill would think it’s okay to call people bossy and mean, and the words, “I don’t like the way you’re acting” could easily be mis-translated as “I don’t like you.”

So instead, I said, “How did that make you feel? Honey, nobody can make you feel about bad about yourself unless you let them. Do you think there’s anyone else in your class who is sad that they don’t get to be a part of the dance or in the Friends Club? What could you do to help them feel included?” The dialogue turned into a great conversation about what it means to be a good friend instead of a bashing session about a bad one.

It’s work. It’s practice. It’s do-overs. But then again, responsibility always is. You already know what to do. Really, you do. Purposeful Parenting is mostly just about paying attention. And asking yourself every day, “What kind of parent did I need when I was younger?”

Thank you for being a part of this blog series. I hope we can continue to  encourage each other together.

What are your best tips for purposeful parenting? Please share in the comments below. And if you found any of these five parts helpful, I’d love for you to share them with your friends.

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