identity

There's No Such Thing as a One Dimensional Life

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March is Women’s History Month, so this month I’ll be focusing on themes relating to women in the workplace, at school, at home, and of course among our peers. Let’s honor one another today and always!


PREJUDICE? WHO? ME?

You know me. I’ve always got a book in my hand, and this week, I just finished Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. Tucked among all the interesting research and anecdotes was a little tidbit about women that got me thinking. Because he was talking about identity, I was intrigued. You see, identity is a buzzword in the Christian community, and I’ve always felt it’s been a bit overused. (Like, GAH, talk to me about something else besides identity already!)

But here goes….

In a 2005 study at Texas Christian University, a researcher told a group of male and female students that he was studying GRE performance. The lead researcher told the students that he was studying this because of the well-known theory that men typically outperform women on these tests. (He said this on purpose to ensure that the stereotype would be at the forefront of the students’ minds while they took the test. )

Then the researchers divided the students into three groups.

  • Group #1: Went to a room and took the test with no further instructions.

  • Group #2: Were told to think about their identity in a general way and were given an example that showed a bubble chart with the word “ME” in the middle and then three or four branching bubbles that included words like “student,” “sister, “ and “employee.”

  • Group #3: Were also told to think about their identity, but to use as many branching bubbles as they could muster. This group saw an example that included the words listed above but additional descriptors like “advice giver,” “animal lover,” and “dean’s list.”

The researchers wanted to see if the stereotype threat could be mitigated by reminding individual women of their multiples roles and identities.

WHAT I LEARNED

I didn’t think this would be such a big deal, but even women who are high achievers in the area of math often score twenty points BELOW men in tests where ability is measured. Specifically, they do worse on timed assignments. They run out of time because they’re subconsciously thinking, “I need to double-check. I need to be careful.” Anxiety and distraction slow them down.

So you can probably guess what happened in the experiment I just described. The women who were not told to think about their multiple identities or who were only asked to describe themselves in a very basic way, scored lower than those women who were given ample time to think about and write down their various identities, the clubs they belonged to, the offices they held, their roles in their families, sororities, and sports teams. In fact, the women who internalized their identity scored the same as the men!

According to Duhigg, “the existence of the stereotype generated just enough anxiety and distraction to slow the women down, which resulted in lower test scores,”—twenty points is a big deal!

THE MULTITUDES

I share this story because even though most of the women reading this blog will probably never take another college entrance exam, you will encounter situations where you may perceive yourself as the underdog. And maybe that’s because you’ve spent a couple of decades raising kids at home and now you’re ready to enter a different kind of workforce. Maybe you’ve been asked to join a board and you feel unqualified or unprepared. Maybe you’re leading a volunteer team that’s composed primarily of men who think they have all the answers.

Negative self talk loses its force when we as women think about who we are in as many categories as possible. We can render powerless all those voices telling us we’re not smart enough or good enough if we just remember that we contain multitudes. Our identities are not so one-dimensional.

I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll never forget meeting a new friend after my oldest daughter was born. We introduced ourselves, and then she asked, “So are you just a mom?” Of course, all I heard was that little qualifier..JUST…JUST…JUST….

You’re not a JUST anything, and neither am I. We contain multitudes, and that’s a good thing because that means we can connect with people on so many levels. Remembering that we are more than what we seem and that others are too (and this is key) is a valuable tool for empathy, understanding, connection, and progress in both work and relationships.

Of course, as a Christian, I would be remiss if I didn’t also say that while remembering who we are is important, remembering WHOSE we are is paramount. Any one component of our identity is actually pretty fragile. Your position at work, your role at home, your status in your community—all those things can change in an instant. Even so, my friend, we shall be forevermore children of God. You can take great comfort in knowing that.

For more reflections on identity, read this and this.

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I send a new blog post out every Thursday!



Purposeful Parenting (Part 5): The Responsibility is Ours

When I first began writing the series on Purposeful Parenting, my intention was to give parents a framework for understanding and relating to their kids. What I thought would be a hard core focus on intentional parenting turned out instead to be a commentary on intentional living.

It wasn’t so much about our kids as it was about us.

Combating bullying, making wise choices, and struggling with identity don’t end magically when our kids are all grown up. Getting them through elementary school or middle school or high school is just the beginning. Life is full of learning opportunities.

Friends always ask me to recommend books and websites.

They don’t need them.

There’s nothing magical out there that will help us be better parents to our kids. It’s what’s in here–and by in here, I mean all the things you’ve learned up until now–prayer, of course, and the things your parents taught you–both good and bad–and the things you’ve learned through slogging through your own websites, books, and good old fashion trial and error. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you already hold the power to instilling your kids with the confidence they need to make wise choices.

DOROTHY Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
DOROTHY I have?
SCARECROW Then why didn’t you tell her before?
GLINDA Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

It’s true.

So much of parenting can’t be taught. We just have to figure it out. We fail over and over again. Like me, maybe you end every single day regretting at least one thing you’ve done. Every. Single. Day. My poor first-born. She’s the guinea pig for every new thing we try because there’s so much we still don’t know.

Here’s the one thing I do know:

Even when my kids act like they’re not paying attention to us, they are. Like little spies, they’re watching us for clues on how to relate to the world around them. 

Every time I say an unkind word about another person, they hear me.
Every time I express jealousy or disappointment, they know.
Every time I lash out at them because I’m tired or irritated or both, they internalize it.

Scary, isn’t it?

I only want my kids to see the kind, pro-people side of me. And I’ve found the more I publicly honor the people that get under my skin, the easier it is to believe these things myself. That’s why they need to see me encouraging my friends, respecting my elders, and honoring my siblings publicly.

I’ll never forget the day my first grader came home upset because a friend told her she couldn’t be in a dance they’ve been planning since the beginning of the year and she could no longer be in Friend Club, either (a secret club that meets out on the playground during recess). I wanted to say, “This girl is bossy. She’s being mean to you, and I don’t like the way she’s acting.” Nothing would have been wrong with me saying that. It was all true. But I knew if I did then Cari Jill would think it’s okay to call people bossy and mean, and the words, “I don’t like the way you’re acting” could easily be mis-translated as “I don’t like you.

So instead, I said, “How did that make you feel? Honey, nobody can make you feel about bad about yourself unless you let them. Do you think there’s anyone else in your class who is sad that they don’t get to be a part of the dance or in the Friends Club? What could you do to help them feel included?” The dialogue turned into a great conversation about what it means to be a good friend instead of a bashing session about a bad one.

It’s work. It’s practice. It’s do-overs. But then again, responsibility always is. You already know what to do. Really, you do. Purposeful Parenting is mostly just about paying attention. And asking yourself every day, “What kind of parent did I need when I was younger?”

Thank you for being a part of this blog series. I hope we can continue to  encourage each other together.

What are your best tips for purposeful parenting? Please share in the comments below. And if you found any of these five parts helpful, I’d love for you to share them with your friends.

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What the Future Can Tell You About Your Identity

Complete this sentence:

The future is____________________.

What word did you use?

Good?
Scary?
Uncertain?
Bright?
Wild?

I used to peer into mirrors like they were crystal balls, like if I stared long enough and studied myself hard enough maybe I would discover some kind of clue as to the person I would someday become.

But the future isn’t a mirror. A mirror reflects back what you are, what is, what’s real and what’s present.

When I look into a mirror, I see myself exactly as I am. (I see you, gray hair.)

Did you know that the way we define ourselves is actually based on our view, not of our PRESENT, but of our FUTURE?

So it would be impossible to see my future in the mirror. The future, then, must be more like a window. It’s that place you see in the distance, and long for, even though you’re sitting inside and maybe can’t go out for awhile.

What do you believe about what’s ahead?

If you think the world is going to hell in a handbasket, if you are afraid there’s no future for either you or your children, or if you feel stuck in a repetitive cycle of sameness, your future probably does look bleak.

According to organizational psychologist and author, Benjamin Hardy, humans are different from other animals in that we can consciously imagine different future possibilities.

Your identity actually comes from your view of the future.

You know why losses are so devastating? Because you had already imagined the future. It’s why that miscarriage was so hard. That divorce was so painful. That job loss was a punch in the gut. You imagined a growing child, a healthy marriage, a fulfilling career. What happened? “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be!” you cry.

And you’d be right.

Some of us dread the future.
And some of us dream of a new future.

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
— Anonymous

I love thinking about the future me, the person I want to be. During my year of Mission Driven Woman interviews, it was one of just three questions I asked those I interviewed.

“Tell me about the future you,” I’d say. “Who do you want to be? How do you want people to describe you?”

Identity is kind of a funny thing because as a Christian, I believe our identity is found in God, and since God is already in the future, then YES! That makes sense! Our identity IS the future !

The Bible lists all these examples of God leading people to places he’s already been and knows well.

Genesis 24:7: “…he will send his angel before you…”

Exodus 32:34: “…lead the people to the place I spoke of, and my angel will go before you.”

Joshua 23:5: “…He will drive them out before you, and you will take possession of their land, as the Lord your God promised you.”

Isaiah 45:2: I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. 

Isaiah 52:12: “But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God Israel will be your rear guard.”

Psalms 89:14: “…love and faithfulness go before you…”

Psalms 139:5: You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. 

You know what’s interesting about all these examples? The people described were a lot more interested in the person they were following than the people who were following them.

(Take a second and think about that one.)😉

And suddenly, here I am, understanding that even though I don’t know what the future holds, God does. And that has to be enough. Because from this vantage point, the future can be wild and uncertain, but wild and uncertain in the context of God’s kingdom means something totally different than it does here on earth. Here, wild and uncertain are scary, but in heaven the wild and uncertain places are the places where God lives.

If your identity is in your future and your future is in God, then you don’t need to worry about what’s next. You can have confidence that every tiny step you take in the direction of your future is exactly where you’re supposed to be, especially if you’re following in the footsteps of the one who is already there.

Today, I found a birthday card among the doo-dads in my desk drawer. It was from my investment advisor, and I almost tossed it aside, but the words inscribed on the card made me pause because I was just about to hit “publish” on this post, when I read:

“May the best of your past be the worst of your future.”

The most successful people are able to look at the reality of their lives and imagine a new future—different, yes, but still good—but only if they believe that God is good.

That core belief is the foundation of my own identity. If God is good, then he doesn’t make mistakes. And no experience, however painful or unwelcome, is ever wasted.

In January of 2020, our hearts swelled with the expectation and the joy of the new decade. The energy was palpable! We all felt hopeful and excited, but as one thing after another either got canceled or postponed, we found our spirits plummet.

We didn’t see this coming.

But God did.

And I find comfort now in knowing that I am not and will never be defined by what is, but rather by what could be.

The scariest thing about turning over an unknown future to a known God is that it means I have to give up control. The funny thing is I never actually had any control anyway.

In other words, who I am is not found in where I am but rather in the great I AM.

The future is__________________________.

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Here’s a list of books I’ve found helpful in this season:

Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby—My favorite book this year for learning how to discern God’s voice in my life.

Love or Work by Andre and Jeff Shinabarger—Authors ask the question, “Is it possible to work with purpose, stay in love, and raise a healthy family--all at the same time?”

The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath—These two brothers also wrote Switch and Made to Stick, but I especially loved this one because it made me think about how I can make even the most ordinary things in life feel extra special.

Catching Thoughts by Bonnie Clark—This book was written for kids, but I think the message applies to us grownups too! You know what they say about thoughts:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
— Lao Tzu