Purposeful Parenting (Part 5): The Responsibility is Ours

When I first began writing the series on Purposeful Parenting, my intention was to give parents a framework for understanding and relating to their kids. What I thought would be a hard core focus on intentional parenting turned out instead to be a commentary on intentional living.

It wasn’t so much about our kids as it was about us.

Combating bullying, making wise choices, and struggling with identity don’t end magically when our kids are all grown up. Getting them through elementary school or middle school or high school is just the beginning. Life is full of learning opportunities.

Friends always ask me to recommend books and websites.

They don’t need them.

There’s nothing magical out there that will help us be better parents to our kids. It’s what’s in here–and by in here, I mean all the things you’ve learned up until now–prayer, of course, and the things your parents taught you–both good and bad–and the things you’ve learned through slogging through your own websites, books, and good old fashion trial and error. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you already hold the power to instilling your kids with the confidence they need to make wise choices.

DOROTHY Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
DOROTHY I have?
SCARECROW Then why didn’t you tell her before?
GLINDA Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

It’s true.

So much of parenting can’t be taught. We just have to figure it out. We fail over and over again. Like me, maybe you end every single day regretting at least one thing you’ve done. Every. Single. Day. My poor first-born. She’s the guinea pig for every new thing we try because there’s so much we still don’t know.

Here’s the one thing I do know:

Even when my kids act like they’re not paying attention to us, they are. Like little spies, they’re watching us for clues on how to relate to the world around them. 

Every time I say an unkind word about another person, they hear me.
Every time I express jealousy or disappointment, they know.
Every time I lash out at them because I’m tired or irritated or both, they internalize it.

Scary, isn’t it?

I only want my kids to see the kind, pro-people side of me. And I’ve found the more I publicly honor the people that get under my skin, the easier it is to believe these things myself. That’s why they need to see me encouraging my friends, respecting my elders, and honoring my siblings publicly.

I’ll never forget the day my first grader came home upset because a friend told her she couldn’t be in a dance they’ve been planning since the beginning of the year and she could no longer be in Friend Club, either (a secret club that meets out on the playground during recess). I wanted to say, “This girl is bossy. She’s being mean to you, and I don’t like the way she’s acting.” Nothing would have been wrong with me saying that. It was all true. But I knew if I did then Cari Jill would think it’s okay to call people bossy and mean, and the words, “I don’t like the way you’re acting” could easily be mis-translated as “I don’t like you.”

So instead, I said, “How did that make you feel? Honey, nobody can make you feel about bad about yourself unless you let them. Do you think there’s anyone else in your class who is sad that they don’t get to be a part of the dance or in the Friends Club? What could you do to help them feel included?” The dialogue turned into a great conversation about what it means to be a good friend instead of a bashing session about a bad one.

It’s work. It’s practice. It’s do-overs. But then again, responsibility always is. You already know what to do. Really, you do. Purposeful Parenting is mostly just about paying attention. And asking yourself every day, “What kind of parent did I need when I was younger?”

Thank you for being a part of this blog series. I hope we can continue to  encourage each other together.

What are your best tips for purposeful parenting? Please share in the comments below. And if you found any of these five parts helpful, I’d love for you to share them with your friends.

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 4:) How to Take Care of You

You are a mom.

You are also a chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, teacher, and CEO. You get up early. You go to bed late. You always feel like you’re being pulled in a hundred directions.

Do you ever wonder when someone is going to do something for you? You don’t have to be a martyr, but you do need to take care of you.

Resentment grows when we neglect to do the things that fuel and inspire us.

A few years ago, I attended a business retreat that also included some personal soul-searching. We took a piece of poster board and divided it into four quadrants. On each section, we wrote:  Things That Sustain My Soul, Things That Invigorate My Life, Things I Need to Take Hold Of, and Things I Need to Let Go.

Just writing down the things that sustain my soul and invigorate my life made my heart skip a beat. My list included date nights, bubble baths, hot tea, dark chocolate, naps, and deep friendships. Equally empowering was my Let Go list, which included selfishness, a perfect house, and proving myself–among other things.  

Maybe most eye opening, however, were the things I need to Take Hold Of. I wrote down that I needed to affirm my husband more and spend more intentional time with my kids. That list was hard to write because those are things I want to do, I should do, and I need to do, but—honestly—I find hard to do. We need to “take hold” because these things are easy to ignore or put off when pressing needs compete for our attention.

I don’t know if you’re a list person (I’m not), but I have to admit that lists have the ability to condense complicated information into easily digestible sound bites. I liked this exercise because it forced me to reflect on areas that need a little work and dream of a future that still makes time for all the things I love. By themselves, the lists don’t help much, but by grouping the Four Things I gained the perspective of seeing both the life-giving and draining patterns side-by-side. Identifying patterns helped direct my focus.

Give yourself a break.

A parent’s work is never done. But your job does not define you. And your kids need to see who you are as a person. When you show them what’s important to you–what sustains and invigorates you–they get to see somebody who’s not just mommy or daddy. They get to see a real, live human being, complete with hopes and dreams and favorite things. When you share the things you love with them, you give them permission to love things, too. In the process, you may find common ground. And who doesn’t want a deeper level of connection with their kids?

Parenting isn’t about balancing life with kids and life without them. It’s about finding fullness in the midst of both.

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 2): Pay Attention to Me!

This is the 2nd installment of a 5 part series on Purposeful Parenting. If you missed the first one, you can read it here:

Pay Attention to Me!

As calendars go, do you feel like yours is packed? We’re all busy, aren’t we? I don’t like seeing a lot of empty of space on my calendar, either.

High five, soul sister.  

I relish the appointments, meetings, and after-school activities. And if I’m being really honest, the dates don’t just make me feel productive; they also make me feel important.

I read somewhere that the current generation is the first one that will have a documented, chronological history of their entire lives—recorded digitally forevermore.

Confession: I’ve been a die-hard documenter of life since I was old enough to hold a crayon. And I’ve kept every agenda, date book, daytimer, and journal I’ve ever owned.

My life is in those books.

So when my husband migrated the entire family to a synchronized Google calendar a few years ago, I resisted.

I like writing things down because I like the physicality of it. I like being able to turn the pages and touch the spaces filled with notes. I like the blank canvas turned inky with my smudges, cross-outs, and fill-in-the-blanks.

As our family grew and we ended up with four kids in four different schools, the old system began to fail. I missed so many appointments that even I had to admit there must be a better way. An appointment written down in an agenda at home doesn’t do me or anybody else any good if we’re in the car and don’t have it with us and don’t know what’s next, where to go, or how to get there. I don’t care how much time you have, nobody has time for that.

Whenever we write something down—whether we’re typing on our laptop, punching in a reminder on our phone, or slapping a sticky note to the bathroom mirror—what we’re actually doing is making a future promise to ourselves.

And it’s a promise to pay attention.

I don’t have to tell you that paying attention is important because you’ve seen what happens when you don’t.

When we aren’t paying attention, the scale creeps upward.
Junk fills the basement.
Weeds multiply.
Plants die.
Marriages crumble.
And kids grow up.

In fact, when it comes to our kids paying attention might be one of the most important things you can do for them.

As littles, my kids played and pleaded “Look at me.” They’re older now, and the phrase I hear most is “Leave me alone.” But leave me alone is an invitation, too. It’s a clue to pay attention to the swirling inconsistencies going on in the complex world of adolescence.

As a mom, it’s easy to point out all the bad things. I’m the worst about nagging my kids to clean their rooms. I’m guilty of talking about grades more than feelings. I often get in the car and turn on a podcast I like before asking my kids if they want to talk. And that’s because it’s so easy to notice what’s around us and so hard to pay attention to what’s inside us.

But I’m working on it:

• When Christiana works hard at track practice, I say, ‘I’m proud of you for working so hard. You’re getting better everyday.’

• When Gavin plays with his little sister, I say, “Hey buddy, thanks for spending time with your sister. It means a lot to her–and to me.’

• When Aaron is toiling away on his next big business idea I fight back the urge to acknowledge the mess he’s making and instead admire his incredible work ethic and entrepreneurial spirit.

• When Cari Jill asks me to write her a note and leave it in our special envelope, I’ll write something heartfelt rather than hurried.

Art. Inventions. Cultural shifts. Religious movements. They all happened because somebody saw something and paid attention. Scientists and activists, preachers and teachers, took up a cause said, “I can do something about that.”

Noticers make the world a better place to live.

What if for today, in this hard season of purposeful parenting that you’re in, you focused on being a noticer, not because it would necessarily make the world better but because it would make your family better? Intentional families, after all, do make for a better world.

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Make Everyday a Great Day

Yesterday, I made my daughter’s last school lunch.

It wasn’t anything special—a thermos of macaroni and cheese, some carrot sticks, a granola bar, a fruit snack, and a juice box.

Later, I asked her why she didn’t eat the macaroni and cheese. She said, it just didn’t look good sitting in the thermos after all those hours.

And I said, “Well, the good news is next year you can start packing your own lunch!”

And then it hit me: I just packed her last elementary school lunch.

Would I have made her something different if I had known?

I don’t know.

That’s the thing about endings. Unless you’re counting down to the last day of school before summer vacation or the last day of pregnancy before your baby is due, an ending is easy to miss. It’s easy to miss because what we’re actually counting down to is a NEW BEGINNING.

I don’t remember the last time I made my daughter’s bed.
Or tied her shoes.
Or gave her a bath.
Or washed her clothes.

She does all those things all by herself. And clearly—trust me, I know—she’s old enough to make her own lunch. It was just one of those things I said I’d keep doing while she was in elementary school, and then all the sudden elementary school is over, and the one thing—THE ONE THING—I was holding onto isn’t even a thing anymore! I did it for the last time, and I did it just like all the other times.

My friends, you are about to enter the golden years, ages 4-10, when love from you and friends for them come fast and easy.

 I’m not going to be the tired old mom who tells you how fast it goes. You have to learn that on your own.

But I have no remorse about telling you to find a way to make all the times so good that even if it’s the last time, it’s okay. Beginnings are even better.

As my daughter walked her elementary school hallways for the last time, she asked me, “So…did you make a ‘last-day-of-school’ cake?” For the record, I have NEVER made a last-day-of-school cake. I just told you how bad I am at remembering the endings. I do, however, always make a first-day-of-school-cake, so instead of cake, we’ll come home and eat watermelon and throw water balloons at each other (just because we have some in the garage we’ve been saving for a special occasion), and then we’ll probably do what we do on most regular days—decide that it’s going to be a GREAT DAY.

And if everyday is a great day, it doesn’t matter if it’s the first or the last. All that matters is that we’re ready for what’s next.

Because the end of elementary school isn’t about graduating from the fifth grade at all; it’s about going to middle school, a magical place where freedom lives and friendships are hard and homework really cramps your style. My daughter is ready. Who am I to hold her back?

Let her make her own lunch!

2026, here we come!

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You Can REST, but You Can't QUIT

There’s nothing like the month of May to remind you how tired you are. Moms and kids alike are counting down the days until school is out and dropping the ball on all sorts of stuff. You may remember this blog post by Jen Hatmaker that went viral a few years ago:

A few weeks ago, I forgot to take my son to church. The church we’ve been attending every single Sunday for the last ten years. The church where my husband is the actual pastor. That church. As I was getting off the exit, Aaron called me and said, “Forgetting someone?”

Whoops.

In my defense, I normally drive two kids to church on Sunday, and since my younger daughter had a friend spend the night the night before, I did have two kids in the car—one was mine, and one was our neighbor.

So yeah, I forget someone. And I didn’t even have time to go back home and get him.

Two weeks after that, I forgot about a club meeting being hosted at my house. I might have begun thinking I was in the early stages of Alzheimers, but since my co-leader forgot about the meeting too, and she’s nearly a decade younger than me, I didn’t feel so bad.

We’re all in this together, folks.

May is filled wth sports tournaments, dances, end of year parties, and tests. Our brains are TIRED.

I was behind a bus on my way home from a meeting yesterday afternoon, and I counted 17 kids who all exited the bus while staring down at their phones. They were zombies.

But who could blame them? If I wasn’t the one driving, I probably would have been staring at my phone too! And truly, I do find myself zoning out at the end of everyday. It’s a conscious effort to keep going.

(This is the quote that hangs in my daughter’s room. She’s a runner.)

“Unless you puke, faint, or die KEEP GOING.”

— Jillian Michaels

I don’t want to wish away May. It’s a beautiful month. We’ve finally said goodbye to winter. The grass is green, the trees are filled with leaves, and warm weather greets us every morning. The key to having an awesome May is the key to every busy season: PREPARATION.

In September, I know that May is going to be busy. This should not be a surprise. I have a calendar. I know what sports my kids’ play. I know there will banquets and teacher appreciation and graduation parties. I know all of this MONTHS in advance. None of it should take me by surprise.

1) Begin stocking the gift closet after Christmas or at least take notes on things you see that would make great gifts. These are some of my favorite go-to gifts for graduates: You can purchase this or this and it will be here in two days. And of course, cash is always appreciated. No advance planning necessary.

2) Plan easy meals: My kid-friendly favorites are these Ham & Cheese Party Sandwiches, Homemade Pizzas, or anything that uses a grocery store rotisserie chicken (Chicken & Noodles, Chicken Tacos, Broccoli Rice)

3) Remember to exercise. This is the one thing you’ll be tempted to drop immediately. After all, who has time to exercise? I say, who has time not to? I love to work out in the morning, but during this season, I realized I just couldn’t do that every day. On the days I can, I do, but on the days that are just too busy I settle for running up to my gym while my daughter is at dance. I can only get in 30-40 minutes, but that’s enough time to do what I need to do. Plus, I don’t feel guilty about wasting time in the car or resentful because I didn’t get to exercise at all. If all else fails, just take the dogs for an extra lap down the street. That’s all it takes—a little bit extra and you’ll feel great.

4) Schedule a day to spend time with friends. There’s a lot to celebrate, but in May it’s almost never about you. Even Mother’s Day comes with pressure to honor our own parents and grandparents and spend time with our children. It’s lovely, of course, but celebrations are important for morale. They give us hope and remind us that we have friends and purpose, and that life is fun. Grab coffee with a friend, go for a walk together, see a movie while the kids are in school. (I did this today and lingered an hour longer than I probably should have, and I don’t regret it for one second.)

5) This post is about rest. It’s about taking a break for a moment when what really sounds good is taking a break forever. As the school year draws to a close and the kids are cleaning out their desks and throwing out all their old papers, think about how you can implement this same ritual at home. This is a great time for you to take a personal inventory of all the things you really don’t need anymore (Say goodbye to all the yucky water bottles and lunch boxes. Say goodbye to all those papers you’ve been saving just in case.). Get rid of the stuff you can see, and then get rid of the stuff on your calendar. What do you want to continue? What is coming to a natural end? What makes you feel alive?

Enjoy your summer, and we’ll talk about next year in August.

See you soon!

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