Four Key Questions Every Person Needs to Answer

I graduated from high school in 1992, and like every other student I knew with even a modicum of motivation, I was headed to college. The question was not “Are you going to college?” but “Where are you going to college?”

For me, it was simply the most logical next step.

The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic continues to jeopardize school enrollment., but in 2021, more than twenty million students in the United States still attend college. (Fun fact: The majority are women!)

While I don’t think college is necessarily for everyone—there are lots of ways to be successful in the world without going to college—I do think the college experience provides ready-made opportunities to engage with the world in ways that may not be available to us otherwise.

In the past, parents and teachers encouraged college for the job preparation it would provide. Some parents still nudge their kids toward the more “practical” majors. An accounting degree, after all, virtually guarantees a job offer upon graduation. And no one wants to leave college with a mountain of debt and no way to repay it. But one thing I love about the current world economy is that we truly live in a time when anything is possible, when the opportunities available to us are more often than not the ones we create ourselves, and when “working for the man” is less enticing than ever.

To be sure, The Great Resignation has been in full force since 2019 and is showing no signs of letting up anytime soon. And what do today’s workers want? Basically, they want a voice, and they want to work for companies that care. Flexibility has always been important; it’s just that prior to the pandemic a lot of people either didn’t or couldn’t take advantage of the choices available to them.

For kids standing on the threshold of this brave new world, college is but one option in an array of enticing prospects. Dr. Barry Schwartz, professor of Psychology at Swarthmore College, asserts that higher education should answer these four important questions:

1. What is worth knowing?

2. What is worth doing?

3. What makes for a good human life?

4. What are my responsibilities to other people?

I love these questions, because regardless of how the world changes in the next year or even decade, the answers remain relevant. And even as our own resources and networks continue to evolve, these questions speak to the core of who we are as people and how each of us is uniquely gifted to contribute to the greater good.

This year, I have a son who will graduate from high school. Of course, he is thinking about what’s next. And probably—PROBABLY—college is the next most logical step. But he’s already approaching this incredibly important life decision with the aplomb of a student who has lived through a recession, a war in the middle east, virtual social networking, ongoing terrorism threats, legalization of marijuana, privatization of space travel, heated political contests, same sex marriage, self-driving cars, and a global pandemic. His lived childhood experience is totally different than the one I grew up in.

None of us can predict the future, but all of us can approach the future with a full measure of curiosity and a commitment to make the world a kinder, more equitable place to live—wherever we are. If we’ve done anything right in parenting our children, it’s that we’ve encouraged our kids to dream big. Work worth doing isn’t always easy, but it is always an adventure.

What questions would you add to this list? How are you helping the young people in your life consider their next steps? I’d love to know!

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The Art of Paying Attention

“Smells like rain.”

 Ever heard someone say that and thought, “What does that even mean?”

Rain does have a smell, and we know it by the name, Petrichor. When rain droplets hit the ground, actinomycetes, a type of bacteria found in soil, secrete a compound called geosmin. This compound is then released into the air. Geosmin in the air can be detected by the human nose at less than 5 parts per trillion.

In fact, that’s on the order of how well dogs can smell, which is a magnitude somewhere between 10,000 and 100,000 better than humans.

I get frustrated with my own dog, who can barely go outside without sniffing out every flower, bush, tree, and fire hydrant. It’s not unusual for a simple pee break to take ten minutes or more.

He takes the phrase “stop and smell the roses” to a whole new level.

And yet, when I encounter petrichor, I know exactly how he feels.

Inhale deeply. Exhale slowly.

There’s something beautiful and magical, and maybe even a little scary, about approaching rain. Petrichor inspires storytellers and poets:

This, from Emily Dickinson:

A Drop fell on the Apple Tree –
Another – on the Roof –
A Half a Dozen kissed the Eaves –
And made the Gables laugh –

A few went out to help the Brook,
That went to help the Sea –
Myself Conjectured were they Pearls –
What Necklaces could be …

In a world that’s often go, go, go, with no time for breaks or rests, I love the reminder that’s found in petrichor. There’s something in that uniquely earthy scent that grounds us to the earth, to what is sure and real. Petrichor signals our brains to be aware—The rain approaches.

Petrichor and rainbows are the bookends on either side of the pouring rain.

In your own life:

Do you need to linger, pause, or stop to consider an important decision?
Is there something in your life that’s been waiting for “rain” before it can truly grow?
What needs to be washed away in order to make room for something new?

Isabel Bear and RG Thomas, the researchers who first named the scent petrichor, found that as early as the 1960s it was being captured to sell as a scent called "matti ka attar" in Uttar Pradesh, India. They proposed that people are so sensitive to the scent because rain is so closely linked to survival (Just ask Noah!). Nothing triggers memory quite like a familiar scent. If you don’t want to wait for the next summer rain to enjoy the delights of petrichor, you can get it in a bottle right here.

BUT the next time you smell rain coming, pause for a moment and ask God what he wants you to pay attention to right now.

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How to be More Memorable: An Easy Trick

Some of you know that I majored in Biology in college. Although I don’t work in a lab or a hospital, I still find ways to incorporate science into my everyday life.

But first, a story:

When I was in the fifth grade, our English class partnered with an English class in North Dakota to embark on a year-long writing assignment: Mandatory penpals. Back then, I was an avid letter writer, and I couldn’t wait to make a new friend across the country. As the teacher flicked through the first stack of letters, she paused.

“Chantel, there’s a girl here with your name!”

And suddenly, instead of feeling different and weird, (like most pre-teens), I discovered somebody else in the world who had something uniquely in common with me—my name!

That tiny connection opened a door that turned into years of authentic correspondence, and ultimately a long-distance friendship.

As I’ve gotten older and my circle of influence has expanded, I’ve met more and more people who share my name. Unfortunately, I don’t get quite the same thrill as I did that very first time back in 1985.

Most of my introductions happen because somebody I already know wants to introduce me to somebody they know. “Hey, we have the same name!” might elicit nothing more than a fist bump. I have to work harder to turn random connections into real friendships.

But I’m a sucker for tips, tricks, and hacks that make life easier.

So what if I told you there was a trick to help you connect with people you’ve just met? You would want that trick, wouldn’t you?

I learned this one from watching reruns of 30 Rock, and you’ll be interested to know that it has its roots in psycho-biological behavior science.

Here goes:

When someone introduces you to someone else and the potential new friend responds with “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

You can say, “It’s all true. I AM a caesar salad enthusiast, and I DO own more than twenty different professional soccer team jerseys.” (That’s my son Aaron)

But mine would be: “It’s all true. I DO believe chocolate is its own food group, and I HAVE been building a rubber band ball since 1996.”

It’s sort of a variation of that ice-breaker game called Two Truths and a Lie, except in this case you do the icebreaker without anyone even telling you to do it, and the things you say are ALL true.

Hopefully, the two fun facts you share about yourself will prompt another question from the curious bystander. If you’re lucky, they may share two things about themselves. It’s not foolproof, but it is unexpected.

And if there’s anything I know about the human brain, it’s that it craves the unexpected.

Novelty makes things interesting, which ensures that information gets remembered. And don’t we all want to be MEMORABLE?

I’m an introvert, and I used to worry that since I wasn’t the loudest or the funniest one in the room, no one would want to talk to me, let alone remember me after the party ended.

But being remembered has nothing to do with being loud or funny and everything to do with being unpredictable.

The brain is always searching for new connections. It’s how we learn. Researchers have found that novelty causes a number of brain systems to become activated, and foremost among these is the dopamine system.

What Dopamine Does

Dopamine signals your brain to give it more of what it craves. When you encounter a novel or unexpected experience, your brain releases dopamine, and that feels good. Breaking the cycle encourages associative learning. That means, when you hear “I’ve heard a lot about you” you shouldn’t say, “I hope it’s all been good,” or “Nice” or something else that’s part of our natural social script. Say something the person isn’t expecting! That’s how we become more interesting and make others more interested in us.

Another interesting fact about dopamine is that nearly every drug that people abuse has an effect on the dopamine system (as do chocolate, money, sex, and many other addictive things). Again, the role of dopamine is not in the pleasure that one may get from the drug, but in establishing the craving that keeps one coming back for more, even after the drug has lost its pleasurable effects.

This cycle of motivation-reward-and-reinforcement encourages associative learning. Everyone has something beautiful to contribute to the world, and there’s an easy way to ensure you actually get to share that wonderful self. Keep people on their toes by flipping the script. Whenever you are introduced to someone new, say something unexpected, and chances are the person who normally moans, “I’m terrible with names!” won’t have a chance to say that about you.

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The Scariest Question in the World

I have to tell you something about me: I’m 47 years old, and I’ve never had a cavity.

Until today.

I’ve been dreading today for the last six months because the last time I went to the dentist, he told me that in fact, I do have a cavity, and that he would have to fill it at my next appointment.

I’ve been counting down the last 180 days, and although I’ve had six months to prepare, believe me when I tell you that I was not ready.

Have you ever had a date circled on the calendar that you just didn’t want to arrive? In your mind, you just knew it was going to be the worst possible day.

That was me.

And then the day of the actual filling was really anti-climactic. A little numbing cream. A couple of shots, and then some weird noises, but otherwise…

BLESSEDLY UNEVENTFUL.

It’s easy to get ourselves worked up over things that MIGHT happen or COULD happen, but that doesn’t mean they WILL happen.

The scariest question in the world is WHAT IF?

The chance that your worst fear will actually happen is actually pretty low. In the case of my cavity, I was worried that it would hurt so bad that I would cry or throw up, which would be embarrassing, but not devastating. The reality, of course, is that a tiny little cavity isn’t going to kill me.

The only way to manage anxiety and fear is to face it head-on.

We have to face anxiety head-on because that’s where anxiety lives—IN OUR HEADS.

Here’s how:

Before: Channel the anxiety into something constructive. To ease your un-ease, do something to distract your mind from the thing you’re dreading. I like to practice Spanish or bake something in my kitchen. Sometimes I read or journal. Prayer always helps!

During: Remind yourself that the pain you’re experiencing is temporary. It will not last forever. (This trick helped me deliver four kids without drugs.) And again, prayer always helps. A posture of dependence can help you achieve an inner calm. It is a reminder that you are not alone.

After: Fear is a good thing. Humans are hard-wired to experience fear. That fight or flight response is exactly the thing that enables us either to hide from or attack our predators. There’s no such thing as overcoming fear, but facing our fears can help us be more confident, as we discover that surviving challenging situations is a skill-set we can own. And what you believe about the future changes how you live in the present.

• WHAT IF you believed that good things are to come?

• WHAT IF you believed that even this hard thing could be an invitation to learn something new about yourself or about the world?

• WHAT IF you believed your experience could be an encouragement to someone else?

Many of you are dealing with issues much scarier than a little ‘ol cavity, and my heart goes out to you today. We all have both small and big things in our lives that trigger the fear response. My dad, an avid tree climber, for example, has a fear of heights. To combat that fear, he just keeps climbing higher. My older daughter hates loud noises. When she feels overwhelmed, she visualizes the most peaceful place she knows. And I have a friend battling cancer. She shares everything that’s happening—the good and the bad—and thus invites everyone she knows to join her cheering squad.

I’d love to know how you’re slaying your own fears. Share your own tips and tricks in the comments below!

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How Superstitious Are You?

I believe that if I tell you my biggest fear it will come true.
But I also believe that if I tell you my biggest wish it won’t come true.

Isn’t it funny the ridiculous things we believe about the world? Without hard data to prove any of it is even true? Things like the number 13 is unlucky and if you tempt the universe you have to “knock on wood.”

According to TedEd, many superstitions originally stemmed from religion. That number 13 thing? It’s a remnant of the Last Supper. Twelve disciples plus Jesus. That’s 13, and apparently that’s bad. Because one of those guy was REALLY bad. And some superstitions are the remnants of the pagan religions which Christianity replaced. Knocking on wood, for example, stems from a Celtic belief that spirits inhabit wood.

For some people (and I count myself among them) following the superstition, no matter how irrational, is often easier than consciously resisting it. Giving into the superstition provides the illusion of having greater control over events. Athletes who believe their “lucky socks” will help them win games sometimes actually DO perform better. The socks themselves don’t have any special powers, but wearing them can boost the athlete’s confidence.

And maybe that’s enough.

Coping with life’s uncertainties is difficult work. We all have a desire to control unknown outcomes. Superstitions are a way to battle nerves and address impatience.

Maybe superstitions aren’t all bad, but if we allow our fear to overtake our hope we find ourselves not only unable to make decisions based on rational thought but we might also be tempted to put our faith in random coincidences that are actually the work of God’s intentional blessing in our lives.

I want to tell myself to get a grip, that I’m not going to have bad luck all day just because I accidentally dropped my compact and the mirror cracked, or even that I’m going to have good luck because I was out walking and stumbled upon a shiny penny on the ground.

Find a penny, pick it up
All day long, you’ll have good luck

Instead, I have to focus on what is true. And what is true is that no amount of knocking on wood or stepping over cracks in the sidewalk or avoiding walking under ladders will ensure I stay safe and enjoy an easy life of leisure and success.

Good sense is always connected to God’s enduring promises, not the world’s empty persuasions.

I’m working on it.

Just the other day I opened an umbrella inside and didn’t even worry that I wouldn’t be okay the rest of the day.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared. (3:5-6, 21-26)

In Korea, people believe that if you sleep with a fan on at night you will die. I’m going to see if I can convince Gavin that this one might be true. Maybe he’ll let me change out the fan in our bedroom for a new light fixture.

Until next time, follow your mission, not the madness.

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When You Love Your Lifestyle But Hate Your Life

Mature women everywhere…REJOICE!

I bet you never thought somebody would say that, did you?

But here’s what I love about getting older. Standard of living usually—(and I mean USUALLY)—increases as age increases.

And that’s pretty awesome: those larger paychecks make the “big” house, the boat, multiple vacations a year, and the fancy car possible.

But I’ve also discovered something disturbing:

A lot of people I know love their lifestyle and hate their life.

Impossible, but true.

And the thing is: I don’t even think they’re going to do anything about it!

When you’ve been around as long as I have, it’s easy to put things on autopilot. You tell yourself that the pension you’re going to get when you retire is worth the misery you’re experiencing now. I have a friend who’s committed to working twelve more years in a government job she finds boring and tedious. Twelve years! To turn her back now on that kind of future financial promise is a leap she just can’t make.

But is it worth it?

My husband is getting ready to leave his comfortable job to venture out on his own after 15 years working in a church. It’s a huge leap of faith, and I’m so proud of him because when he tells our friends about his hopes and dreams for his new career, I see the longing in their eyes. They wish they were the ones embarking on a new adventure!

I hear our friends say things like:

I’m too old to change careers.
Who’s going to hire me now?
What if I have to take a pay cut to do the thing I really want?
What will my family do without the consistency of a steady paycheck?

But can you afford not to?

If I were ask you what makes a fulfilling life, my guess is that almost all your answers would be things that are free or almost free. When you create more space and time in your life, you not only discover new opportunities waiting for you but also you find that you are more open and willing to accept them for what they are: not lucky circumstances, but real possibilities.

Love and relationships matter more than money and things.

We know this intrinsically, but we are afraid of the risk. As we get older, we’re not just responsible for ourselves. We have spouses and children who depend on us. We have mortgages and college tuition to pay. Some of us may even be caring for aging parents. The risks are real and anything but trivial.

And the reality is we like the house and the car and the vacations.

Our status symbols have become our status quo.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the United States among people ages 15-44. It ranks among the top three workplace issues, along with family crisis and stress. (source) According to Fast Company Magazine, nearly 50% of six-figure salaried workers are plotting a job change this year. People are asking themselves, “What do I really want…for my family, from my job, in my life? The answer to those questions will have a direct impact on our future psychological and spiritual well-being.

My husband knew that the time was right to make a change. “If not now,” he said, “then when?” Even though we have two kids in college, five cars (because—teenagers!), a mortgage to pay, and kids in private school, we couldn’t keep putting off the decision. If we waited for the perfect time, we knew we would never make the leap. There would always be something tying us to where we are. He’s making the change because everything he’s done up until now has been preparing him for THIS. VERY. MOMENT.

You can have everything you’ve ever wanted and still feel empty.

What has God been preparing you to do?

Here are 5 things to consider as you ponder what’s next for you:

1) Often other people recognize our aptitudes before we do. Ask the people closest to you what gifts they see in you. Their answers might surprise you.

2) You don’t have to have your entire life journey planned out. Few people do. Life is organic, not linear. Be willing to explore new possibilities and the next right step will reveal itself.

3) Find a community that shares your values and inspires your ideas. I used to be a part of a cohort of entrepreneurs through an organization called Plywood People. I count the five years I spent with those women among the most growth-orienting years of my life. What I learned from them could not be replicated anywhere else.

4) Kids need their parents to model purpose and meaning, not privilege and entitlement. They can sense your restlessness. They know when you’re stressed. Show them what matters by doing work that counts.

5) Work on building wisdom, not a resume. There’s so much more to life than the work you do. No experience is ever wasted. Even if your job no longer challenges you in a way that makes you feel alive, you can still find ways to engage with the world.

In our family, we like to say that when the pain of staying is worse than the fear of change, it’s time to do something different. Sometimes you know what you have to do and you just do it. Sometimes, you need to take a breath and pray about it for a season. Sometimes, even with the best intentions in mind, it just doesn’t make sense to take that leap. And that’s okay. But if you’re being called to STAY, give your work the enthusiasm it craves and give your family the attention they deserve.

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.—Dolly Parton

When my friend Melanie’s dad retired from his work as a veterinarian, he gave a charge to the employees, and this is what he said—(Melanie wrote them down, and I saved them)—

What is work? Just a platform for relationships. Whatever we do, people are involved on some front. It’s that interface that matters. Work is just the bridge that makes the connection to people. (Thank you, Mr. Rickard)

Wherever we are, we can all do that.

The best of you is yet to come!

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The Decluttering Hack for my Home that Also Changed My Personal Life

In 2020, we moved into a new house half the size of the one we had lived in for more than a decade. That meant we had to sell, purge, or store more than half of everything we owned. If I thought this job was going to be an easy one, I had to think again!

As it turns out, we really did have a lot of stuff. I’m not a minimalist, but I wanted my new house to feel fresh and clean. No junk. I vowed to fill it with only the things I loved.

But you know how things go.

A month goes by. Two months. And before I knew it, I discovered another carload (or two) of stuff we didn’t need.

To keep the clutter at bay, I now use a FREE hack endorsed by home organizers everywhere:

The empty box

Now, it’s easy to say goodbye to all my unwanted junk.

The trick is simple. Basically, I just keep an empty box in my closet and as I come across clothing I no longer wear or knick-knacks I no longer like, I simply toss them in the box. Once the box is full, I load it in my car and drop it off at my local donation center. A new empty box then takes its place.

The empty box works like a charm—and it’s easy.

I use the same trick for decluttering my mind.

Everyday, I do a brain dump—not into an empty box, but onto an empty notebook. My morning empty-page sessions help me organize my thoughts and plan what I want to get done during the day. My night sessions rid my mind of everything that weighs me down and help me release it all so I can sleep well and wake up refreshed.

“Never go to sleep without a request to your subconscious.”—Thomas Edison

Just as my home is always ready to to welcome new friends, my mind is ready to accept and process new ideas.

How many times have you had an “aha” moment, only to discover that you’re too busy to sit down and really do something about it? Instead, you say to yourself, “I’ll deal with this later.” You know what happens—you forget it about it! Your big idea gets lost in the overwhelm that is your life.

What is a brain dump? Basically, a brain dump is everything you’re thinking about right now:

• grocery list

• to-do list

• vacation packing list

• a list of people you need to call

• menu plan

• books you want to read

• notes from books you’ve already read

• quotes you like

• new subjects you want to explore

• dreams you’ve had

• business ideas

• prayers

My morning and evening notes journal is really a collection of all my random thoughts. To keep the journal from feeling too random, however, I save a few pages at the beginning to jot down a rough “table of contents.” That way, I can quickly return to something important I want to remember.

This decluttering hack requires zero effort and is oddly satisfying. The empty box in my closet and the empty journal on my desk are small commitments that give me purpose. I no longer feel overwhelmed. I can focus. I can think.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way (the quintessential manual on creativity), advocates for using a journaling method called “morning pages” to do just that—write down everything you’re thinking about for twenty minutes or until you fill up three pages long-hand, and then close the book. These morning pages are never meant to be shared or read by anyone else. Don’t edit. Just write. You can save the journals or throw them away. The point is to get everything out of your head and onto the page.

Now that we’ve said goodbye to everything that’s in our way, it’s time to say hello to the clarity, focus, and direction we really want. And what I really want is to follow my mission, not the madness.

How about you?

What do you really want?

How to Love Your Imperfect Life

I used to have a friend who turned down every party invitation, date, and dinner invite hat came her way. She never asked anyone to her house, either. Not because she didn’t want to go or even because she didn’t like people (she did!), but because she wanted everything to be perfect. She wanted to lose five pounds before she would say yes to the date or order that special piece of furniture before extending that dinner invite. The problem was that even when she lost the weight she couldn’t find the right outfit. Or when the furniture finally arrived, she decided she needed to paint the dining room, too. My always-late and never-ready friend discovered something pretty depressing about “perfect.”

Perfect doesn’t even exist!

The time to love your imperfect life is now.

But how do you do that? Easier said than done, right.

Wrong! What if I told you there are a few little tips and tricks to make right now feel like right WOW.

1) Stay far, far away from the comparison trap. It will get you every time! When I focus on all the good things happening in other people’s lives, I overlook the wonderful things happening in my own. The reality is that there will always be people who have more than you and people who have less. Rather than focusing on who those people are, take a look at your own life and ask yourself, “What good can I do today with what I do have?” And whether that’s your health, or your money, or your time, you’ll surely be able to find a place to invest it. And you know what happens with wise investments? They grow!

2) Make a practical to-do list. Focus on what can be accomplished and what’s actually attainable. Maybe you can’t buy a new house right now or change jobs, but you can add fresh paint or volunteer with an organization that needs exactly your skills. Life is not a competition or a race. Celebrate the small wins. My friend wanted her house to be perfect, but she didn’t realize that her friends didn’t care about her house. They cared about her. Don’t let your someday dreams get in the way of your everyday life. Plus, I’ve learned that getting what we want when we want it isn’t always what’s best for us. If you’re in a season of in-betweens, ask yourself, “What am I learning from this experience?”

3) Pull out the gratitude jar. My daughter has a jar she keeps in her room with the words “gratitude” etched along the side. The jar arrived with a set of cards for writing down notes of thanksgiving. Using the jar makes a big difference in her attitude and outlook. Science confirms that practicing gratitude releases us from toxic emotions and over time, even changes the brain!

4) Practice generosity. Look at your life and the lives around you with fresh eyes. If there’s something you want to change, approach it clearly and sensibly. Shifting the focus from ourselves to others ensures we don’t become too selfish. And I know from experience that I love my own life more when I’m less consumed with it. Doing what we can for other people gets us out of our own heads. We feel useful. Generosity gives our lives purpose and meaning. And who doesn’t want more of that? A recent study even indicates that nine out of ten people will say yes to less money as long as their work has purpose.

5) Remind yourself of what is true. Sometimes, crappy things happen to us, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Sometimes, we get stuck in a rut and we think, “This is never going to get better.” And you know what? Maybe it won’t. I don’t know. But I do know that even when I can’t change other people or the circumstances that are outside my control, I can change myself. I do have control over my own negative thoughts and emotions. I also find it helpful to remember that practice doesn’t make perfect, but it does make “better.” Our lives are filled with beautiful things. There are people who love us. Most importantly, God loves us! I’m always encouraged by this verse:

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

And I don’t know about you. But I don’t want to carry everything by myself. It’s a relief that God’s in charge. He’s perfect, so Iwe don’t have to be. Let’s not waste a single day.

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The Most Important Person

When my kids were little, one of their favorite questions to ask us was: “Who’s your favorite kid?”

And of course we all know there’s no such thing as a favorite kid. My husband would always answer them:

“My favorite kid is the one I’m with.”

And I love that.

Because that’s not just true of my kids. It’s true for everybody I encounter.

My favorite person in the world is the one I’m with right now.

That’s never been more evident or illustrated better to me than just last week when I paid a visit to my hometown post office. On the day of my visit, I talked with the clerk ad nauseum about the antics of her cat, then purchased five books of stamps, and left.

A week later, I discovered I had left ALL the stamps on the counter.

On the day I returned, this was our exchange:

“Hi, I’m sure you don’t remember me but I was here last Monday and bought some stamps. I think I may have left them on the counter?”

“You did! You did!” she cried. “I saved them for you. I knew you would come back!”

I tell you this story because while I was waiting in line to ask about my stamps the girl at the desk ahead of me also had a stamp problem. In her case, she had applied beach-themed stamps from the year 1945 to her wedding invitations and couldn’t figure out how to apply the additional postage necessary to ensure delivery in the year 2021. My patience faltered. I was tired and annoyed and—darn it—I didn’t have time for this!

And yet….

Don’t we all want to be treated like we’re the favorite?

All it takes is dedicated focus to the one who is with you.

It’s not that hard, really.

Before I knew it, I was up next and the post office lady SAVED MY STAMPS. I felt like the prodigal son—leaving my post office so many days prior with nary a thought about my stamps or the lady who had helped me. And now I was back, just like she knew I would!

How would our lives be different if we acted like the most important person in the world was always the one who is with us right now?

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The Extremely Boring Work of Achieving Almost Anything

Today I rode 50 miles on the spin bike at the gym.

It was one of my summer goals, and I feel great that I did it. My kids are at camp this week, and I had a totally free morning, so I thought, “Why not today?” Riding 50 miles isn’t necessarily a hard thing, but if you’re not used to riding, it certainly could be. Those bike seats were not designed for comfort!

Prior to today, the most I had ever ridden was 33 miles, and that took me almost two hours. I knew this was going to be a commitment—my entire morning—so I queued up some new podcasts and headed to the gym earlier than usual.

Here I must digress so we can have a little discourse about goals:

In the book, Sully, Chesley B. Sullenberger, the hero pilot of US Airways Flight 1549, describes something called situational analysis, which is being able to create and maintain a very accurate real-time model of your reality.

I almost gave up on that 50 mile ride before I even started.

When I walked into the gym this morning, a blast of hot air greeted me. The air conditioning was broken! I could have postponed the ride. No one would have blamed me. The spin room, already smelly from the class before, had little air circulation. A box fan stood in the doorway. This was my reality, but my reality also included an empty calendar and a day free of responsibility, since my kids were all at camp. Besides, I had already told several people about my plan to ride 50 miles.

After Sully evaluated his reality (a rapidly descending plane and no chance of reaching a nearby landing strip), he began talking about goal sacrificing. Goal sacrificing is being able to make a mental shift in priorities when it’s no longer possible to complete all your goals. You sacrifice lower-priority goals in order to perform and fulfill higher goals. Sully would land the plane on the Hudson River!

Forty-five minutes into the hour-long class I took to begin my ride, a gym employee removed the box fan from the door to the spin room. Oh, no! I still had two and half hours of riding ahead of me, and the temperature inside this room was rising by the minute! On its own, my Monday morning 55 minute class is a decent workout. Even if I decided not to ride 50 miles on this day, I could still go home and pat myself on my sweaty back for burning over 600 calories and completing a challenging twenty mile ride with friends. (My version of goal sacrificing)

What I didn’t want to do, however, was become yet another casualty in a grueling tale of escalation of commitment. This scenario, first described by Barry M. Staw in 1976, illustrates our tendency to remain committed to our past behaviors, particularly those exhibited publicly, even if they do not have desirable outcomes.

I had already told several people, including the spin instructor, that I was planning to ride 50 miles on this day. “You can do it!” she said. “Don’t give up!” And yet…I was having second thoughts.

I was hot. I was tired. And honestly, my butt was starting to ache.

Our friend Chesley Sullenberger is also famous for saying, “A delay is better than a disaster.”

And he should know. He safely landed an airplane in the middle of the Hudson River, saving the lives of all 155 people on board.

I could always find another open morning on my calendar later this summer.

At the risk of being dramatic…

I didn’t think I was in danger of heat exhaustion (I mean, I wasn’t going to actually die), I took inventory of my assets—two extra-large bottles of water, a towel for wiping sweat, plenty of energy (I ate two protein balls right before class) and those aforementioned podcast downloads.

I could do this!

Achieving anything worthwhile is hardly ever the result of one big effort but the cumulative effect of a series of small efforts. There’s nothing inherently exciting about riding a bike, running a marathon, or even building a business. We keep going even when it’s boring. Even when it’s hard. And sometimes even when nobody but us will care about the work it took to get there.

Like Sully and every single person who has ever achieved anything worthwhile, preparation and a positive attitude can make a world of difference.

When we do succeed at these small goals, we remind ourselves that we are both capable and courageous. We are pushed to bigger and better goals. It’s as if each small win harkens a voice from The Little Engine that Could, “I think I can, I think I can” until we begin to believe the truth that says I don’t just think I can, I know I can do hard things.

While I rode, Gavin sent me several encouraging texts and I recorded some pretty lengthy video messages via Marco Polo to two friends. I’d be lying if I said the time went by fast, but I’m reminded of a famous quote from author Dorothy Parker and repeated often by writers everywhere:

I don’t like writing.
I like having written.

I like to say: I don’t like riding.
I like having ridden.

And I did it!

Tell me about your summer goals. What’s on your list? How can I encourage you?

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YIKES...I'm Sharing My Biggest Weakness

You know that question they always ask at job interviews?

What’s your biggest weakness?

And then you’re supposed to be able to answer with something that’s actually a strength.

I’m going to tell you a little secret. My biggest weakness is:

I’ve always been afraid that I’m the dumbest person in the room.

It’s why I read too much and sometimes even talk too much. I do these things as a coping mechanism to prove how much I do know. This is silly, of course, and I’m trying to overcome it.

Isn’t there a quote somewhere about how nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care?

I get it. And I do care.

The first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. Am I right?

I just finished John Green’s Turtles all the way Down. In the book, a minor character says something that would be easy to dismiss, but that is actually an important theme for the book: “What I love most about science is that as you learn, you don’t really get answers. You just get better questions.”

I love this because it’s a reminder that having all the answers isn’t the end all-be all.

When I was in high school I had this friend who would always call the Atlanta Library Help Line when she didn’t know the answer to something. (Remember: this was the early 90s. Google hadn’t yet been invented.)

“They can find out the answer to anything you want to know,” she would say.

And she knew the number by heart. We called it all the time. All. The. Time. I always wondered if the library line was the best kept secret in Atlanta because my friend, Ashley, was the only one I ever heard mention it. The two of us really knew how game the system when it came to those last-minute opportunities for extra credit.

As it turns out, the answers I seek now aren’t as straightforward as the ones I gathered back in high school. We get older, and our questions get more complicated. The answers are more gray.

I know this is true because my husband is a pastor, and whenever he’s trying to recruit new volunteers for children’s ministry, he always begins with something like, “If you know as much as a four year-old, then you are perfectly positioned to help out in the three year-old room.”

Everyone chuckles.

But seriously…

One of the things I realized is that every time we ask a question what we’re really doing is extending an invitation to share our lives with strangers and friends. Giving ourselves permission to ask questions allows us to live with a spirit of generosity. We are literally inviting others to see not only what’s inside our minds and hearts but also to accept their response without judgment or shame.

And that can feel really vulnerable.

To be sure, every great scientific breakthrough in history began with a question.

“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on the solution, I would spend the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask… for once I know the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes.”—Albert Einstein

The answers to What if? are as varied and creative as the minds who ask it.

I’m glad I don’t have all the answers because let’s be honest, we all know somebody who is a know-it-all, and who we wish would just STOP TALKING already. I don’t want to be “that girl.” That girl is scared. That girl is insecure. That girl is lonely. She’s hiding behind a facade of knowledge because she’s afraid that when she’s found out no one will take her seriously. I want to be the girl who asks good questions, who makes other people feel like they’re the smartest person in the room.

Will you help me do that? Share the best question you ever asked or the best question anyone has ever asked you. What did you learn? How did it change your attitude, your perspective, or your life?

Let’s do this together!

You've got Goals? Me too!

I love learning new things.

Tonight, during dinner, I told my husband and daughter about one of my favorite books from elementary school. I don’t remember the exact name but it was something like Why is the Sky Blue and Other Things You Wish You Knew. You can find lots of books like it on Amazon today. (I just checked!)

So sometimes people assume that I spend a lot of time at home with my head buried in a book. In reality, I don’t spend nearly as much time with books as I would like. My days are probably a lot like yours. I unload the dishwasher, fold laundry, pay bills, and cook meals.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t make learning new things a seamless part of my day.

My sister in law, Stacee, told me that this summer she is asking her boys, ages 10 and 8, to create a summer goal list. Their lists include both a physical and a learning goal. Badge wants to run a 20 minute 5K and eight -year old Rowe wants to learn how to sew a dinosaur stuffed animal.

I think Stacee is onto something. Even adults need #summergoals.

To be sure, personal goals might be harder to come by these days as all of us are playing catch up after a year of stay-at-home orders. I’m fully vaccinated and so excited to be out and about that it’s hard to imagine sitting still at home long enough to complete a project—even a worthy one.

Sometimes the hard thing is the best thing.

The pandemic changed so many aspects of daily life. As we settle back into the rhythms and routines of our own choosing perhaps we can also make room for some achievable goals. This summer, I’m working on becoming fluent in Spanish. I downloaded the free Duolingo app, and I’m on a 60 day practice streak. I’ve also been consistent with my daily workouts, and during a normal spin class I often ride 20 miles. This summer I really want to work up to 50.

These goals are attainable because they’re based on habits I’m already practicing. Your goals don’t have to be ambitious to be worthy. What are you already doing that could be better? If you love to cook, maybe you work on perfecting a particularly difficult recipe, like croissants or a multi-layer cake. If you love paper, learn calligraphy. Maybe you used to play an instrument, but haven’t touched it in years. You may be rusty at first, but commit to learning a new song over the next few weeks.

As the world continues to change, specialized skills will be in demand. Even without an advanced degree, you can add value to your family, school, and community.

I’d love to know what you’re working on this summer! Send me a note, and let’s chat!

Purposeful Parenting (Part 5): The Responsibility is Ours

When I first began writing the series on Purposeful Parenting, my intention was to give parents a framework for understanding and relating to their kids. What I thought would be a hard core focus on intentional parenting turned out instead to be a commentary on intentional living.

It wasn’t so much about our kids as it was about us.

Combating bullying, making wise choices, and struggling with identity don’t end magically when our kids are all grown up. Getting them through elementary school or middle school or high school is just the beginning. Life is full of learning opportunities.

Friends always ask me to recommend books and websites.

They don’t need them.

There’s nothing magical out there that will help us be better parents to our kids. It’s what’s in here–and by in here, I mean all the things you’ve learned up until now–prayer, of course, and the things your parents taught you–both good and bad–and the things you’ve learned through slogging through your own websites, books, and good old fashion trial and error. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you already hold the power to instilling your kids with the confidence they need to make wise choices.

DOROTHY Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
DOROTHY I have?
SCARECROW Then why didn’t you tell her before?
GLINDA Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

It’s true.

So much of parenting can’t be taught. We just have to figure it out. We fail over and over again. Like me, maybe you end every single day regretting at least one thing you’ve done. Every. Single. Day. My poor first-born. She’s the guinea pig for every new thing we try because there’s so much we still don’t know.

Here’s the one thing I do know:

Even when my kids act like they’re not paying attention to us, they are. Like little spies, they’re watching us for clues on how to relate to the world around them. 

Every time I say an unkind word about another person, they hear me.
Every time I express jealousy or disappointment, they know.
Every time I lash out at them because I’m tired or irritated or both, they internalize it.

Scary, isn’t it?

I only want my kids to see the kind, pro-people side of me. And I’ve found the more I publicly honor the people that get under my skin, the easier it is to believe these things myself. That’s why they need to see me encouraging my friends, respecting my elders, and honoring my siblings publicly.

I’ll never forget the day my first grader came home upset because a friend told her she couldn’t be in a dance they’ve been planning since the beginning of the year and she could no longer be in Friend Club, either (a secret club that meets out on the playground during recess). I wanted to say, “This girl is bossy. She’s being mean to you, and I don’t like the way she’s acting.” Nothing would have been wrong with me saying that. It was all true. But I knew if I did then Cari Jill would think it’s okay to call people bossy and mean, and the words, “I don’t like the way you’re acting” could easily be mis-translated as “I don’t like you.”

So instead, I said, “How did that make you feel? Honey, nobody can make you feel about bad about yourself unless you let them. Do you think there’s anyone else in your class who is sad that they don’t get to be a part of the dance or in the Friends Club? What could you do to help them feel included?” The dialogue turned into a great conversation about what it means to be a good friend instead of a bashing session about a bad one.

It’s work. It’s practice. It’s do-overs. But then again, responsibility always is. You already know what to do. Really, you do. Purposeful Parenting is mostly just about paying attention. And asking yourself every day, “What kind of parent did I need when I was younger?”

Thank you for being a part of this blog series. I hope we can continue to  encourage each other together.

What are your best tips for purposeful parenting? Please share in the comments below. And if you found any of these five parts helpful, I’d love for you to share them with your friends.

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 4:) How to Take Care of You

You are a mom.

You are also a chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, teacher, and CEO. You get up early. You go to bed late. You always feel like you’re being pulled in a hundred directions.

Do you ever wonder when someone is going to do something for you? You don’t have to be a martyr, but you do need to take care of you.

Resentment grows when we neglect to do the things that fuel and inspire us.

A few years ago, I attended a business retreat that also included some personal soul-searching. We took a piece of poster board and divided it into four quadrants. On each section, we wrote:  Things That Sustain My Soul, Things That Invigorate My Life, Things I Need to Take Hold Of, and Things I Need to Let Go.

Just writing down the things that sustain my soul and invigorate my life made my heart skip a beat. My list included date nights, bubble baths, hot tea, dark chocolate, naps, and deep friendships. Equally empowering was my Let Go list, which included selfishness, a perfect house, and proving myself–among other things.  

Maybe most eye opening, however, were the things I need to Take Hold Of. I wrote down that I needed to affirm my husband more and spend more intentional time with my kids. That list was hard to write because those are things I want to do, I should do, and I need to do, but—honestly—I find hard to do. We need to “take hold” because these things are easy to ignore or put off when pressing needs compete for our attention.

I don’t know if you’re a list person (I’m not), but I have to admit that lists have the ability to condense complicated information into easily digestible sound bites. I liked this exercise because it forced me to reflect on areas that need a little work and dream of a future that still makes time for all the things I love. By themselves, the lists don’t help much, but by grouping the Four Things I gained the perspective of seeing both the life-giving and draining patterns side-by-side. Identifying patterns helped direct my focus.

Give yourself a break.

A parent’s work is never done. But your job does not define you. And your kids need to see who you are as a person. When you show them what’s important to you–what sustains and invigorates you–they get to see somebody who’s not just mommy or daddy. They get to see a real, live human being, complete with hopes and dreams and favorite things. When you share the things you love with them, you give them permission to love things, too. In the process, you may find common ground. And who doesn’t want a deeper level of connection with their kids?

Parenting isn’t about balancing life with kids and life without them. It’s about finding fullness in the midst of both.

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 3:) Finding Meaning and Purpose in the Everyday

I used to have this app on my phone called Legacy Countdown. It was literally a countdown clock to remind me how much time I had left before my kids graduated high school. There’s nothing like knowing how little time remains to ensure you don’t waste it.

Deciding where to invest all those minutes and hours is hard, especially when you start without a plan. When my first daughter was just a baby, I enrolled her in Music Together, Mother’s Morning Out, and a Friday morning play group in our neighborhood.

By age three, we had added dance classes to the mix.

Then she started school, and I realized we needed an art enrichment class and after-school tutoring. In another year, we’d begin playing soccer, start a book club, and join Girl Scouts. I thought that more stuff gave our lives more meaning.

I was WRONG.

More stuff just made our lives more complicated.

I didn’t want my life to be just a countdown clock to the weekend or vacation or my kid’s graduation, so what did I do? I made a date with about a hundred other things.

Let’s be real— Isn’t it amazing how much you can accomplish when you’re in a pinch? Deadlines are my best friend, too. Deadlines hold my hand and encourage me to move with direction and purpose. And that’s what the Legacy App did for me. It put that hard deadline—the empty nest—front and center.

There’s a question we often ask ourselves when we reach a certain age, and it’s this: If I could go back in time, what advice would I give my younger self?

Maybe I would tell myself to slow down time. To enjoy the little things. To embrace the hard things. Maybe I would tell myself that all that extra “stuff” we did wouldn’t really matter in the long run.

But the reality is this: I can’t go back in time and tell my younger self anything.

What I can do, however, is set my future self up for success. My future self wants a life of meaning and purpose. My future self wants kids who are self sufficient, who harbor strong convictions, and who embrace life with their own visions of what the future holds. Looking forward gives us the ammunition we need to do something concrete and real.

Once I realized our family had a filled-up life that didn’t make us feel full at all, we started making some meaningful vows:

In the future:

• We will not say yes simply because we have a fear of missing out.

• We will not say yes because we’re afraid to be home alone with our kids.

• We will not justify decisions to match our circumstances.

• We will only add things to the family calendar that reflect our values.

We knew we wanted our kids to be creative problem solvers, effective mitigators for conflict resolution, and strong adults who could deal with disappointment. We wanted to encourage our kids to pursue the things they loved, and we also wanted to protect the time we had with them here at home.

Obviously, we had to say goodbye to some very good things. We had to make some hard choices.

One of the ways we did this by taking a season off. Knowing we would have time together in the near future sustained us when things were crazy, and everybody was eating dinner at a different time and no one was ever all in the car together. We knew it was for a season, and that made it bearable. For example, as much as we loved sports, we didn’t miss church to play them on Sundays. The down-time allowed us to catch our breath and explore what matters in the context of the most important relationships in our lives.

Another thing we did was empower our kids to choose for themselves those things that made them feel most alive. One summer, our older son obtained his private pilot’s license, and our younger son attended a summer camp for entrepreneurs. Our oldest daughter went on mission trips, and our youngest learned how to cook.

Over the years, I’ve been paying attention to the stories that make us who we are. Memories from childhood shape our worldview and influence our choices. In the future, I hope my kids will remember their past with a fondness that will carry them into their own preferred future. I hope they will feel equipped to find meaning not only in the work they choose to do but also in their relationships—both with people and with God. I hope they know that their past does not define them and that the future is filled with opportunity.

Mostly, I hope they enjoy today. It is a gift, and it is a responsibility. Steward it well, my friends.

“Science shows that the secret to high performance isn’t our biological drive or our reward-and-punishment drive, but our third drive—our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose”

— Daniel Pink

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How are you creating more meaning in your family? Please share in the comments below.

Purposeful Parenting (Part 2): Pay Attention to Me!

This is the 2nd installment of a 5 part series on Purposeful Parenting. If you missed the first one, you can read it here:

Pay Attention to Me!

As calendars go, do you feel like yours is packed? We’re all busy, aren’t we? I don’t like seeing a lot of empty of space on my calendar, either.

High five, soul sister.  

I relish the appointments, meetings, and after-school activities. And if I’m being really honest, the dates don’t just make me feel productive; they also make me feel important.

I read somewhere that the current generation is the first one that will have a documented, chronological history of their entire lives—recorded digitally forevermore.

Confession: I’ve been a die-hard documenter of life since I was old enough to hold a crayon. And I’ve kept every agenda, date book, daytimer, and journal I’ve ever owned.

My life is in those books.

So when my husband migrated the entire family to a synchronized Google calendar a few years ago, I resisted.

I like writing things down because I like the physicality of it. I like being able to turn the pages and touch the spaces filled with notes. I like the blank canvas turned inky with my smudges, cross-outs, and fill-in-the-blanks.

As our family grew and we ended up with four kids in four different schools, the old system began to fail. I missed so many appointments that even I had to admit there must be a better way. An appointment written down in an agenda at home doesn’t do me or anybody else any good if we’re in the car and don’t have it with us and don’t know what’s next, where to go, or how to get there. I don’t care how much time you have, nobody has time for that.

Whenever we write something down—whether we’re typing on our laptop, punching in a reminder on our phone, or slapping a sticky note to the bathroom mirror—what we’re actually doing is making a future promise to ourselves.

And it’s a promise to pay attention.

I don’t have to tell you that paying attention is important because you’ve seen what happens when you don’t.

When we aren’t paying attention, the scale creeps upward.
Junk fills the basement.
Weeds multiply.
Plants die.
Marriages crumble.
And kids grow up.

In fact, when it comes to our kids paying attention might be one of the most important things you can do for them.

As littles, my kids played and pleaded “Look at me.” They’re older now, and the phrase I hear most is “Leave me alone.” But leave me alone is an invitation, too. It’s a clue to pay attention to the swirling inconsistencies going on in the complex world of adolescence.

As a mom, it’s easy to point out all the bad things. I’m the worst about nagging my kids to clean their rooms. I’m guilty of talking about grades more than feelings. I often get in the car and turn on a podcast I like before asking my kids if they want to talk. And that’s because it’s so easy to notice what’s around us and so hard to pay attention to what’s inside us.

But I’m working on it:

• When Christiana works hard at track practice, I say, ‘I’m proud of you for working so hard. You’re getting better everyday.’

• When Gavin plays with his little sister, I say, “Hey buddy, thanks for spending time with your sister. It means a lot to her–and to me.’

• When Aaron is toiling away on his next big business idea I fight back the urge to acknowledge the mess he’s making and instead admire his incredible work ethic and entrepreneurial spirit.

• When Cari Jill asks me to write her a note and leave it in our special envelope, I’ll write something heartfelt rather than hurried.

Art. Inventions. Cultural shifts. Religious movements. They all happened because somebody saw something and paid attention. Scientists and activists, preachers and teachers, took up a cause said, “I can do something about that.”

Noticers make the world a better place to live.

What if for today, in this hard season of purposeful parenting that you’re in, you focused on being a noticer, not because it would necessarily make the world better but because it would make your family better? Intentional families, after all, do make for a better world.

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 1): The Wonder of Waiting

The school year is wrapping up, and we are heading into summer. Those words might make you feel relieved that you made it through yet another year. Time to celebrate! However, you might be dreading these next few months with the kids at home 24/7. Parenting is exhausting work!

Years ago, I wrote a 5-part blog series on Purposeful Parenting. I’m no expert, but our firstborn did just graduate from college. Around here, we’re on the cusp of a new season. We didn’t do a lot of things right, but did we learn a lot? YES! I went back and re-read those old posts, and guess what—they’re still relevant today!

Let’s dive in….

THE WONDER OF WAITING

Normally, I hate standing in line. It’s such a bore and a waste of time. Unless something interesting happens… and last week, it did.

I got a front-row seat to a spectacular lesson in parenting in the Target checkout line. I parked my buggy behind a dad and his four year-old little boy. The boy hopped on one foot. He hopped on the other. He put his chubby little hands on everything in sight. I listened to him talk nonstop, commenting on every single thing in his field of vision. 

Nutella snack pack.
Oooohhh…Chapstick.
Tape.
Batteries.
Magazine. (Why is it behind this plastic thing?)
Gum.
Candy.

Wait a second. “Candy?”

Hands and elbows flew out every which way. Like whack-a-mole, but gentler, the boy’s father patted his little head. “No, no. Not now. We’re going to the circus.”

I’ve often wondered why we don’t host birthday parties in the checkout aisles of our favorite stores. What could be more fun than duck-duck goose and ring-around-the-rosy in the midst of our favorite things? And a goody bag to choose what we want from the endless buffet of trinkets and gadgets and treats galore.

“Tic tacs.”  The boy tugged on his father’s pant leg. “Dad! Tic tacs.” His big, brown eyes pleaded for consent. “I want tic tacs!”

It was only 10:00 in the morning, but clearly in no mood to argue the merits of one snack versus another, Dad finally said, “Would you rather have the tic-tacs now or cotton candy at the circus?”

No contest, right? I mean, of course this kid is going to choose the cotton candy at the circus. They’re headed there now, in fact. In less than an hour, he can have cotton candy before he’s even had lunch.

I sympathized with the boy. My heart went out to him. I know that pressing feeling, when now seems like too late, and the desperation of wanting something so badly that waiting feels like the most torturous thing on earth.

But you can guess what the kid picked. He picked the green tic-tacs. Because every four year-old needs a 1 1/2 calorie breath mint to make it through the day. Right?

His poor dad didn’t even see it coming.  Incredulous, he asked, “Really? You would rather have tic-tacs than cotton candy?”

From behind my buggy, I couldn’t help but smirk. A child after my own heart.

“Yes, Dad. Yes!” Perplexed, the dad gave in.

He sighed. “It’s just a mint, you know.”

But I don’t think that little boy even heard him. Or maybe he did, but he didn’t flinch. He clutched the tic-tacs to his chest as if protecting a great treasure.

I have to admit, I really wish I could have followed them to the circus because my guess is that that little boy forgot all about the tic-tacs when he saw those billowing clouds of pink and blue spun sugar. The empty box of tic-tacs would be poor comfort for the throngs of kids with candy pushing past him on the way to their seats.

Delayed gratification is hard, even for adults. We want what we want when we want it. How many times have I hit the “buy” button when I know I should have waited? How hastily have I sent an angry email when I should have given myself time to process my anger? Over and over again, I have robbed God of what he might have done because he didn’t do what I thought he should have done on my timeline.

I am reminded of something I read once by psychologist, Carl Jung. He said, “If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves.”

So, while I’d love to be able to see into my future, to know for certain that something even better waits for me there, I am sometimes like a little child, hoarding tic-tacs in my pockets and cheeks, not believing that the cotton candy exists or that it’s waiting there for me, or regretfully, even that I deserve it. In moments of weakness, it seems cruel and unusual to make me wait for something that may or may not be real.

Just because I haven’t yet seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

I want to show my kids that waiting can be wonderful, that the in-between isn’t only pain and longing, but that even if it is, it’s okay, and that while we don’t know for sure what the future holds, it’s not always in our best interest to propel ourselves headlong into desire. What heals me on these days is the gentle reminder that I am not alone. All of us have spent a season in the in-between and I bet if we sat down across the table, over coffee, sharing our stories, you would tell me your tales of waiting, too–how it was worth it and what you learned and why you wouldn’t go back and change it for anything in the world.

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From Order to Disorder--The Way of the World

My one year-old nephew was visiting last week. While his mom took a call, I played with him in our living room, and I noticed something that seems pretty common with boys.

They are destructive!

If I stacked the blocks, he knocked them down.
If I lined up the cars all in a row, he scattered them.
If I put the plush toys in the crate, he fished them out and threw them on the floor.

By the end of the day, my living room looked like a war zone.

The scientific term is entropy— a gradual decline into disorder.

Interestingly, entropy is also known as the amount of energy unavailable for doing useful work.

It’s not just little boys who gravitate to a state of entropy.

We do it, too.

The bills pile up, the countertop connects clutter, the closet needs purging, and yet entropy trumps energy more often than I want to admit.

I get in my own way of doing useful work.

When I was in college, I thought my life was really complicated.
All those papers!
Exams!
Sorority meetings!
Roommate drama!

Then I got married, and learning how to do life with my soul mate made life even more complicated.

Then we had kids, and as you might have guessed—I discovered the real meaning of complicated. The family dynamic shifted each time we brought home a new baby. Our marriage, jobs, kids, and other obligations all fought for our attention, and like that stack of blocks in my living room, we didn’t always do a great job of keeping it all together.

As we get older, life doesn’t get easier. It just gets more complicated (and weirdly, also more expensive).

But also as I’ve gotten older I crave useful work. I need it.

But how do I make sure the energy for doing that work is available to me?

I’m a big fan of the THREE R’s—rituals, rhythms, and rest.
In fact, I’ve written about those three things here, here, here, and here.

But today I want to talk about something else….

And I know it seems counter-intuitive to add something to an already busy schedule in order to create more order in your life, but remember—we want to increase the energy available for doing useful work, and the the best way to do that is to do something that actually makes us feel energized.

Here’s How:

Get lost in a subject completely outside your scope of knowledge.

I’m reading a book called Buzz that’s all about bees, interesting to me because bees are responsible for nearly 1/3 of the foodstuffs we eat, and also for more than 350 of the 1,000 medical prescriptions cited in the 12th century Book of Medicines. I have no idea how I might apply what I’m learning about bees to future work, but a deep-dive into a subject in which I know so little is sure to spark creative output.

Schedule time to revitalize by doing something you’ve never done before.

Last week, I experienced a sound bath. Never heard of it? Let me explain—it was new to me, too! Essentially, a sound bath is a meditation class that guides you into a deep meditative state while surrounding you in ambient sound played by instructors who use instruments such as bowls, gongs, and cymbals. For a whole hour, I laid on my yoga mat in a warm room and just let the sound “wash” over me. It was glorious.

Meet with someone who inspires you, not because you need anything from them but because you love their company.

I used to be a part of a cohort of small business owners, but when I ended my business last year, I knew it was time to move on. For five years those women functioned as a lifeline for me, and I miss them! Today, I’m making a pact with myself to schedule a lunch with one or two of them. I love learning from people who are different from me in every way—stage of life, type of work, hobbies, or worldview.

Entropy will always play a role in our lives. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, creativity is often born from chaos.

Albert Einstein’s Desk on the day he died.

See what I mean?

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Can a Toy Teach a Kid How to be a Successful Adult?

In 1999, business partners Jennifer Fine and Jennifer Hamlin collaborated to create a line of dolls designed to take the world by storm. These career-forward icons of the doll world would topple Barbie on her pretty little head by re-imagining how girls play.

Girl power!
Achievement!
You can be anything!

Unless you’re Ashley the Attorney or Emily the Entrepreneur. These “smart friends for smart girls” captured the public’s attention for one brief moment at the turn of the century.

Game over.

Like 90% of new businesses, the company folded in 2001, a real tragedy considering the dolls were even featured as one of Oprah’s Favorite Things of 1999.

Ouch.

Being an entrepreneur is hard.

I should know.

A few years ago, I also launched a doll company with the goal of reimagining how kids play. Built on a foundation of generosity and friendship, our dolls honored kids with cancer and helped kids who care learn how to be better friends.

What we discovered, however, is that kids don’t need adults to tell them how to play with their toys.

They’re really awesome at doing that all by themselves!

Every mammalian kiddo across the planet engages in some form of play. Play helps animals discover their abilities and learn their limits, two skills crucial for both survival and success.

At a seminar I attended way back in 2001, parenting coach and author John Rosemond said, “Kids only need like three or four toys: a ball, some blocks, a few crayons, and a stack of books.”

Just three or four toys?

I couldn’t believe it!

And yet…

Think about all the the things you can do with just the toys I mentioned:

Let’s take the ball, for example:

Bounce it.
Throw it.
Catch it.
Carry it.
Roll it.
Pass it.
Pop it.

A ball can be used to play a game of kickball, baseball, tetherball, or 4-square.

And what little girl hasn’t stuffed a ball under her shirt, and shouted, “Look! I’m pregnant!” Who hasn’t used a giant ball as a makeshift seat or a tiny one as ammunition aimed at a younger sibling’s head?

Sure, Taylor the Teacher, Destiny the Doctor, and Jessica the Journalist arrived with some really cool accessories: miniature chalk, stethoscopes, and press passes, just to name a few. But while those things were cool (and teeny weeny), did they really inspire kids to be attorneys, doctors, and journalists?

I would venture that using math to perfect the ratio of dirt and water for a proper mud pie would be better preparation for a career in education. Following a stray ball into the woods and ending up with an angry case of poison ivy might ignite a passion for medicine. And staying up late into the night pouring out our feelings into a journal could be just the confidence-booster our kids need to realize a career in journalism.

The REALITY

Playthings don’t really prepare kids for the roles they will one day lead. Over and over again, psychologists point to toys such as balls, blocks, and books as the devices that do the real heavy lifting. In fact, scientists confirm that fewer toys actually help kids focus longer and play more creatively.

The smart lesson we should have all learned by now: A child doesn’t need to be told how to play, no more than a kitten needs instructions for pouncing on a string or a puppy needs his mama to show him how to catch a frisbee.

All animals instinctively know how to play.

We spend our lives playing because we spend our lives learning. It’s all one big “Choose Your Own Adventure” where anything can happen. What prepares us for our roles—whether we’re a homemaker or a hack saw operator—is the time we spend figuring out how to innovate, create, solve problems, work out solutions, make amends, and adapt—using whatever the heck is right in front of us.

We don’t need fancy stuff. We just need…STUFF.

But if Emily the Entrepreneur taught me one important lesson it’s that there’s no such thing as a “big break.” Just because you land on Oprah’s List of Favorite Things doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy a lifetime of success.

When the blocks fall down, rebuild.
When the ball rolls away, go after it.
When the crayons break, color gently.
And when the book ends, write a new story.

It’s true—90% of first-time businesses do fail. But you know what else is true? 90% of entrepreneurs who pick up the pieces and start again—SUCCEED.

The first game I ever played I played without any toys at all, and I bet you played it too. Remember the magical world of MAKE BELIEVE? Yes! That fantastical place where anything can happen and anything can be? You can go there right now. If you can dream it, you can do it.

If you are one of the 12.3 million female entrepreneurs in the United States today, my advice to you is this: Never stop playing.

You’ll figure it out.

And if at first you don’t succeed, you can always try again. Chances are good—next time, you’ll find your way.

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Calling All Good Listeners!

Take a Look

Let’s imagine for a second that you’re gazing into one of those magnified makeup mirrors, the ones that are supposed to “help” you look better.

What do you see?

Sparkling eyes.
Blushing cheekbones.
A winning smile.

Are you thinking, “Wow. I had no idea I looked this awesome!”

Or do you feel like you’re in a room with a spotlight and a laser pointer?

Gray hair.
Forehead lines.
Enlarged pores.

Oh no! you think. Is this what I really look like?

And all of a sudden it hits us:

Mirrors don’t lie.

We remember that story about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. “Who’s the fairest of them all?”

I can practically hear Jack Nicholson screaming, “You can’t handle the truth!”

(He might be right)

Wired for Connection

Have you ever wished for a different kind of mirror? One that would show who you are…REALLY?

Me too. But I have to be honest: sometimes I’m scared I won’t be able to handle the truth.

And then I read about something called a “Believing Mirror.”

You won’t find one of these at a department store cosmetic counter.
It doesn’t live in your closet.
And you can’t carry it in your purse.

A believing mirror is a friend who mirrors back your “potential and strength.”

According to Julia Cameron, author of The Listening Path, when we listen to our believing mirrors, we learn to listen to ourselves. And listening deeply to both others and ourselves brings balance to our relationships. In a world filled with noise, listening deeply equips us with the tools we need to filter and control what our ears hear and our minds absorb.

Reciprocity breeds trust.

Even though I had never heard the phrase Believing Mirrors, I definitely know what it’s like to be in the company of a person who hasn’t heard anything I’ve said. Like me, you may have wanted to whisper, “Dude—read the room.”

It’s no secret that people love to talk about themselves. I mean, they love it! (Me included.)

We long to be heard, not because we need other people to tell us we’re good enough, but because the world is a richer place when we find our people—those friends who encourage, push, inspire, and validate us when something important is on the horizon. “Giving courage” is an act of generosity we can humbly receive.

How We Listen

When I was in high school, I took an advanced drama class, and every class began the exact same way: we warmed up with a listening exercise. Backs on the floor, palms up, eyes closed: we simply listened—to the leaves as they swirled outside our classroom door, to the electricity pulsing through the fluorescent bulbs, to the hum of the air conditioner through the vents in the ceiling, and even to the blood coursing through our own veins.

As an actor, listening was at the core of everything I did. Because drama—good drama—is always about connection.

But also as a human being—listening is fundamental to every single thing we do.

What are you looking for REALLY? Not just when you see a mirror? But all the time?

RECOGNITION.

“I see you,” we want someone to tell us. “I see you for who you are. And I love you still.”

We feel seen only when we feel heard.

If you’ve ever been to one of those stores that sells cosmetics and had them show you the proper way to apply eyeliner or help you choose the right lip color for your complexion, then you know that what they do best is play up your very best features, so that when you look in the mirror you see the best parts of you reflected back.

And that’s what believing mirrors do, too.

They reflect back the best of you.

I’m thankful for my own believing mirrors, and for the one who modeled exactly how to be a good one: Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

“But God has surely listened and has heard my prayer.”—Psalms 66:19

One of the best ways to foster a believing mirror is to ask questions like these:

What are you working on right now?
Is there anything you’re excited about that you want to share with me?
How can I encourage you?

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Mother Teresa was once asked, “What do you say when you talk to God?”

“I don’t say anything,” she responded. “I listen.”

“Then what does God say to you?” the reporter asked.

“He doesn’t say anything,” she said. “He listens.”

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Who are you listening to?

Need extra?

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