Looking for God to Open a Door for You? Me too!

When you decide to close a restaurant (like I did) or make any kind of career change, well-meaning people are quick to offer up a lot of advice. Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of comments that sound like this:

“Well, you know, when God closes one door, he always opens another.”

I know I’m cynical, so I can’t help thinking, “Just because there’s an open door, that doesn’t mean I’m the one meant to walk through it.”

Exhibit A:

Where did this phrase originate? And why is it always attributed to God? A little digging turned up this fun fact:

In 1605, Miguel de Cervantes now famous work Don Quixote offers up this quote:

“When one door is shut, another is opened.”

— Miguel de Cervantes

Then Johann Richter, Helen Keller, and Alexander Graham Bell all said:

“When one door closes another door opens but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

Yep. Apparently they all said those exact words. Weird, right?

I can think of a lot of “open doors” in the Bible and the people who walked through them paid dearly:

Remember when Abraham took Sarah’s maid to be his wife so he could have offspring through her? Open door. NOT a good idea to walk through it!

Or when Saul went into the cave and didn’t see David, who cut off a corner of his robe. “I could have killed you, but I didn’t!” He had a clear open door, and he didn’t take it. You know why? Because it would have been a bad idea!

The time wasn’t right.

And here lies the million dollar question:

How do you know when the time IS right?

I did find one instance where the phrase “open door” is actually used in the Bible. Paul says that God “opened a door for him.” But here’s the kicker: he immediately regretted walking through it.

“Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me, I still had no peace of mind, because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I said goodbye to them and went on to Macedonia.” (emphasis mine)

He then gives thanks to God for using the trip to spread the gospel. Of course, that’s a lesson for another day. God doesn’t waste anything. That open door, though it didn’t yield what Paul had hoped, still brought glory to God.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to know which doors to walk through and which to leave closed. We want the decision to be easy.

1. Open door.

2. Walk through it.

But not every open door is a great idea. In fact, there’s a dilapidated house next to my neighborhood. I walk past it everyday on my way downtown. A lone rickety rocking chair beckons from the porch. I bet the front door is unlocked. I tried to get one of my kids to test it, but they were afraid a ghost would follow them home.

The Scary House on Main Street

Some doors should remain closed forever.

Back to our problem. When should we try the doors in front of us? I came up with a list of questions to help me decide.

1. Does walking through this door compromise my personal values in any way?

2. Will walking through this door negatively affect my family?

3. Do I have the knowledge, skills, and support necessary for what this door will ultimately usher Into my life?

It’s obvious to me now that when I go searching for an open door what I’m really looking for is a miracle. I want God to show up in a big way, like he did on the third day when the stone had been moved and Mary and Mary Magdalene discovered that the tomb was empty or like the disciples who later huddled together in a room and mused that, “though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’

That’s all I really want. And isn’t that what you want too?

Peace.

Want more good stuff?

Additional Resources for this Post:

The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman

What to do Next: Taking Your Next Step when Life is Uncertain by Jeff Henderson

Art for your House—I have this piece hanging in our upstairs loft!

Print by Lindsay Letters

Four Key Questions Every Person Needs to Answer

I graduated from high school in 1992, and like every other student I knew with even a modicum of motivation, I was headed to college. The question was not “Are you going to college?” but “Where are you going to college?”

For me, it was simply the most logical next step.

The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic continues to jeopardize school enrollment., but in 2021, more than twenty million students in the United States still attend college. (Fun fact: The majority are women!)

While I don’t think college is necessarily for everyone—there are lots of ways to be successful in the world without going to college—I do think the college experience provides ready-made opportunities to engage with the world in ways that may not be available to us otherwise.

In the past, parents and teachers encouraged college for the job preparation it would provide. Some parents still nudge their kids toward the more “practical” majors. An accounting degree, after all, virtually guarantees a job offer upon graduation. And no one wants to leave college with a mountain of debt and no way to repay it. But one thing I love about the current world economy is that we truly live in a time when anything is possible, when the opportunities available to us are more often than not the ones we create ourselves, and when “working for the man” is less enticing than ever.

To be sure, The Great Resignation has been in full force since 2019 and is showing no signs of letting up anytime soon. And what do today’s workers want? Basically, they want a voice, and they want to work for companies that care. Flexibility has always been important; it’s just that prior to the pandemic a lot of people either didn’t or couldn’t take advantage of the choices available to them.

For kids standing on the threshold of this brave new world, college is but one option in an array of enticing prospects. Dr. Barry Schwartz, professor of Psychology at Swarthmore College, asserts that higher education should answer these four important questions:

1. What is worth knowing?

2. What is worth doing?

3. What makes for a good human life?

4. What are my responsibilities to other people?

I love these questions, because regardless of how the world changes in the next year or even decade, the answers remain relevant. And even as our own resources and networks continue to evolve, these questions speak to the core of who we are as people and how each of us is uniquely gifted to contribute to the greater good.

This year, I have a son who will graduate from high school. Of course, he is thinking about what’s next. And probably—PROBABLY—college is the next most logical step. But he’s already approaching this incredibly important life decision with the aplomb of a student who has lived through a recession, a war in the middle east, virtual social networking, ongoing terrorism threats, legalization of marijuana, privatization of space travel, heated political contests, same sex marriage, self-driving cars, and a global pandemic. His lived childhood experience is totally different than the one I grew up in.

None of us can predict the future, but all of us can approach the future with a full measure of curiosity and a commitment to make the world a kinder, more equitable place to live—wherever we are. If we’ve done anything right in parenting our children, it’s that we’ve encouraged our kids to dream big. Work worth doing isn’t always easy, but it is always an adventure.

What questions would you add to this list? How are you helping the young people in your life consider their next steps? I’d love to know!

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Purposeful Parenting (Part 3:) Finding Meaning and Purpose in the Everyday

I used to have this app on my phone called Legacy Countdown. It was literally a countdown clock to remind me how much time I had left before my kids graduated high school. There’s nothing like knowing how little time remains to ensure you don’t waste it.

Deciding where to invest all those minutes and hours is hard, especially when you start without a plan. When my first daughter was just a baby, I enrolled her in Music Together, Mother’s Morning Out, and a Friday morning play group in our neighborhood.

By age three, we had added dance classes to the mix.

Then she started school, and I realized we needed an art enrichment class and after-school tutoring. In another year, we’d begin playing soccer, start a book club, and join Girl Scouts. I thought that more stuff gave our lives more meaning.

I was WRONG.

More stuff just made our lives more complicated.

I didn’t want my life to be just a countdown clock to the weekend or vacation or my kid’s graduation, so what did I do? I made a date with about a hundred other things.

Let’s be real— Isn’t it amazing how much you can accomplish when you’re in a pinch? Deadlines are my best friend, too. Deadlines hold my hand and encourage me to move with direction and purpose. And that’s what the Legacy App did for me. It put that hard deadline—the empty nest—front and center.

There’s a question we often ask ourselves when we reach a certain age, and it’s this: If I could go back in time, what advice would I give my younger self?

Maybe I would tell myself to slow down time. To enjoy the little things. To embrace the hard things. Maybe I would tell myself that all that extra “stuff” we did wouldn’t really matter in the long run.

But the reality is this: I can’t go back in time and tell my younger self anything.

What I can do, however, is set my future self up for success. My future self wants a life of meaning and purpose. My future self wants kids who are self sufficient, who harbor strong convictions, and who embrace life with their own visions of what the future holds. Looking forward gives us the ammunition we need to do something concrete and real.

Once I realized our family had a filled-up life that didn’t make us feel full at all, we started making some meaningful vows:

In the future:

• We will not say yes simply because we have a fear of missing out.

• We will not say yes because we’re afraid to be home alone with our kids.

• We will not justify decisions to match our circumstances.

• We will only add things to the family calendar that reflect our values.

We knew we wanted our kids to be creative problem solvers, effective mitigators for conflict resolution, and strong adults who could deal with disappointment. We wanted to encourage our kids to pursue the things they loved, and we also wanted to protect the time we had with them here at home.

Obviously, we had to say goodbye to some very good things. We had to make some hard choices.

One of the ways we did this by taking a season off. Knowing we would have time together in the near future sustained us when things were crazy, and everybody was eating dinner at a different time and no one was ever all in the car together. We knew it was for a season, and that made it bearable. For example, as much as we loved sports, we didn’t miss church to play them on Sundays. The down-time allowed us to catch our breath and explore what matters in the context of the most important relationships in our lives.

Another thing we did was empower our kids to choose for themselves those things that made them feel most alive. One summer, our older son obtained his private pilot’s license, and our younger son attended a summer camp for entrepreneurs. Our oldest daughter went on mission trips, and our youngest learned how to cook.

Over the years, I’ve been paying attention to the stories that make us who we are. Memories from childhood shape our worldview and influence our choices. In the future, I hope my kids will remember their past with a fondness that will carry them into their own preferred future. I hope they will feel equipped to find meaning not only in the work they choose to do but also in their relationships—both with people and with God. I hope they know that their past does not define them and that the future is filled with opportunity.

Mostly, I hope they enjoy today. It is a gift, and it is a responsibility. Steward it well, my friends.

“Science shows that the secret to high performance isn’t our biological drive or our reward-and-punishment drive, but our third drive—our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose”

— Daniel Pink

Want more good stuff?

How are you creating more meaning in your family? Please share in the comments below.

What the Future Can Tell You About Your Identity

Complete this sentence:

The future is____________________.

What word did you use?

Good?
Scary?
Uncertain?
Bright?
Wild?

I used to peer into mirrors like they were crystal balls, like if I stared long enough and studied myself hard enough maybe I would discover some kind of clue as to the person I would someday become.

But the future isn’t a mirror. A mirror reflects back what you are, what is, what’s real and what’s present.

When I look into a mirror, I see myself exactly as I am. (I see you, gray hair.)

Did you know that the way we define ourselves is actually based on our view, not of our PRESENT, but of our FUTURE?

So it would be impossible to see my future in the mirror. The future, then, must be more like a window. It’s that place you see in the distance, and long for, even though you’re sitting inside and maybe can’t go out for awhile.

What do you believe about what’s ahead?

If you think the world is going to hell in a handbasket, if you are afraid there’s no future for either you or your children, or if you feel stuck in a repetitive cycle of sameness, your future probably does look bleak.

According to organizational psychologist and author, Benjamin Hardy, humans are different from other animals in that we can consciously imagine different future possibilities.

Your identity actually comes from your view of the future.

You know why losses are so devastating? Because you had already imagined the future. It’s why that miscarriage was so hard. That divorce was so painful. That job loss was a punch in the gut. You imagined a growing child, a healthy marriage, a fulfilling career. What happened? “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be!” you cry.

And you’d be right.

Some of us dread the future.
And some of us dream of a new future.

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.”

— Anonymous

I love thinking about the future me, the person I want to be. During my year of Mission Driven Woman interviews, it was one of just three questions I asked those I interviewed.

“Tell me about the future you,” I’d say. “Who do you want to be? How do you want people to describe you?”

Identity is kind of a funny thing because as a Christian, I believe our identity is found in God, and since God is already in the future, then YES! That makes sense! Our identity IS the future !

The Bible lists all these examples of God leading people to places he’s already been and knows well.

Genesis 24:7: “…he will send his angel before you…”

Exodus 32:34: “…lead the people to the place I spoke of, and my angel will go before you.”

Joshua 23:5: “…He will drive them out before you, and you will take possession of their land, as the Lord your God promised you.”

Isaiah 45:2: I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. 

Isaiah 52:12: “But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God Israel will be your rear guard.”

Psalms 89:14: “…love and faithfulness go before you…”

Psalms 139:5: You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. 

You know what’s interesting about all these examples? The people described were a lot more interested in the person they were following than the people who were following them.

(Take a second and think about that one.)😉

And suddenly, here I am, understanding that even though I don’t know what the future holds, God does. And that has to be enough. Because from this vantage point, the future can be wild and uncertain, but wild and uncertain in the context of God’s kingdom means something totally different than it does here on earth. Here, wild and uncertain are scary, but in heaven the wild and uncertain places are the places where God lives.

If your identity is in your future and your future is in God, then you don’t need to worry about what’s next. You can have confidence that every tiny step you take in the direction of your future is exactly where you’re supposed to be, especially if you’re following in the footsteps of the one who is already there.

Today, I found a birthday card among the doo-dads in my desk drawer. It was from my investment advisor, and I almost tossed it aside, but the words inscribed on the card made me pause because I was just about to hit “publish” on this post, when I read:

“May the best of your past be the worst of your future.”

The most successful people are able to look at the reality of their lives and imagine a new future—different, yes, but still good—but only if they believe that God is good.

That core belief is the foundation of my own identity. If God is good, then he doesn’t make mistakes. And no experience, however painful or unwelcome, is ever wasted.

In January of 2020, our hearts swelled with the expectation and the joy of the new decade. The energy was palpable! We all felt hopeful and excited, but as one thing after another either got canceled or postponed, we found our spirits plummet.

We didn’t see this coming.

But God did.

And I find comfort now in knowing that I am not and will never be defined by what is, but rather by what could be.

The scariest thing about turning over an unknown future to a known God is that it means I have to give up control. The funny thing is I never actually had any control anyway.

In other words, who I am is not found in where I am but rather in the great I AM.

The future is__________________________.

Want more good stuff?

Here’s a list of books I’ve found helpful in this season:

Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby—My favorite book this year for learning how to discern God’s voice in my life.

Love or Work by Andre and Jeff Shinabarger—Authors ask the question, “Is it possible to work with purpose, stay in love, and raise a healthy family--all at the same time?”

The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath—These two brothers also wrote Switch and Made to Stick, but I especially loved this one because it made me think about how I can make even the most ordinary things in life feel extra special.

Catching Thoughts by Bonnie Clark—This book was written for kids, but I think the message applies to us grownups too! You know what they say about thoughts:

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

— Lao Tzu

WINSday on Wednesday--The Future We Create is Now

Loving People

“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle”

— NOT Plato (although no one really knows for sure)

We have all read this quote, and every time we do (even if it’s for the hundredth time) we take a deep breath and act a little nicer because we know it’s true—everyone IS dealing with something hard.

My friend, Ashley Jones, is the inspiration for today’s WINsday on Wednesday. She’s the founder of Love Not Lost, an organization that celebrates life and supports people in grief by photographing families facing a terminal diagnosis. (You can watch our interview here.)

Ashley and her husband tragically lost their only daughter to Spinal Muscular Atrophy eight years ago. She has made it her life mission to help other families facing a terminal diagnosis walk through their own grief while creating lasting memories with the time they have left.

Ashley prayed hard that God would heal her beautiful daughter.

But when she heard very clearly that it was not to be, she resolved to walk right through the pain, knowing full well that God would use her experience of loss to help other families. Grief, she says, is unique to every individual, but there is power in being able to grieve free of judgment, fear, or expectations.

The question she challenges all of us with is:

“How can I love people better?”

And in grief, especially, it’s so hard to know what to do. We don’t want to do or say the wrong thing, so it’s tempting to do nothing.

But what if instead of doing nothing, we decided to do something that would make a difference not only here and now but for generations to come?

Am I creating the world I want to leave for future generations?

This idea is not a new one.

The Iroquois Indians, to whom we owe much of our current way of living, abided by something called the Seven Generation Principle: The Seventh Generation takes its name from the Great Law of the Haudenosaunee, the founding document of the Iroquois Confederacy, the oldest living participatory democracy on Earth. It is based on an ancient Iroquois philosophy that:

“In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.”

The Great Law of Peace protected freedom of speech, freedom of worship, and the rights of women. The tribes instituted three branches of government, including two houses and a grand council, and originated the notion of separation of powers and checks and balances. The founding fathers adopted many principles of the The Great Law of Peace, but notably they ignored the seven generation principle and the empowerment of women.

Big mistake, Benjamin Franklin. Big mistake!

I heard one time that when people pass away they are usually only remembered in conversation for about five years afterwards. As for generational legacy, we’re lucky to know our grandparents, it’s rare that we know our great-grandparents, and rarer still that we have ever even met our great-great grandparents. All of us want to live a life of meaning and purpose. We want to be remembered, not only for the things we’ve done, but for the human beings we are. We want a legacy that lasts!

I used to work with families who have kids with cancer. Those parents had two big fears:

1. That their child might die, and

2. If their child did die, that he/she would not be remembered.

For many of these families, stewarding the legacy became the driving force of their mission. They started foundations and wrote books and spearheaded campaigns that would keep the memory of the child alive.

Faced with mortality, they became obsessed with immortality. And it was beautiful. To see these legacies live on in the hearts of the people that loved them most was heartwarming. Not only that, but these mission-driven families ensured that their children’s lives, though short, were not lived in vain.

There is a connection between the emotional moments that happen to us and the creative moments that we make happen.

These emotional moments sometimes manifest as interruptions, inconveniences, or gross injustices. But if we live each day in holy expectation, the moments become invitations to join God in the work of bringing more hope and love into the world.

There’s a famous play called Our Town by Thornton Wilder. It chronicles life and death spanning twelve years in a fictional small town called Grover’s Corners. In Act III, Emily, one of the main characters, has died giving birth to her second child and is allowed to return to earth to relive one day, her twelfth birthday. The other cast members urge her not to go back, telling her the memory will be too painful since she knows what will happen in the future. Emily ignores the warning, and her pain becomes our pain.

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From the play, Our Town by Thornton Wilder:

Emily: “Oh earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.” (She looks off toward the stage manager, then abruptly). “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?” 

Stage Manager: “No.” (Pause.) “The saints and poets, maybe—they do some.”

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These lines are tragic, not only for their rawness, but for their truth.

The present is a gift.

We never know what courageous choice we make today will inspire another person. In one hundred years, no one will remember my name or yours. Like the generations that came before me—the ones I don’t remember and probably never knew—I, too, will be but a footnote in somebody’s attic scrapbook. I will never know my ancestors, but I am a product of their legacy— their faith and work ethic and family values and love of learning and courage.

Like my friend, Ashley, we all have the capacity to make life better for the next generation.

And that’s pretty cool.

What can you do to create a lasting legacy for your family and generations to come?

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