Four Key Questions Every Person Needs to Answer

I graduated from high school in 1992, and like every other student I knew with even a modicum of motivation, I was headed to college. The question was not “Are you going to college?” but “Where are you going to college?”

For me, it was simply the most logical next step.

The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic continues to jeopardize school enrollment., but in 2021, more than twenty million students in the United States still attend college. (Fun fact: The majority are women!)

While I don’t think college is necessarily for everyone—there are lots of ways to be successful in the world without going to college—I do think the college experience provides ready-made opportunities to engage with the world in ways that may not be available to us otherwise.

In the past, parents and teachers encouraged college for the job preparation it would provide. Some parents still nudge their kids toward the more “practical” majors. An accounting degree, after all, virtually guarantees a job offer upon graduation. And no one wants to leave college with a mountain of debt and no way to repay it. But one thing I love about the current world economy is that we truly live in a time when anything is possible, when the opportunities available to us are more often than not the ones we create ourselves, and when “working for the man” is less enticing than ever.

To be sure, The Great Resignation has been in full force since 2019 and is showing no signs of letting up anytime soon. And what do today’s workers want? Basically, they want a voice, and they want to work for companies that care. Flexibility has always been important; it’s just that prior to the pandemic a lot of people either didn’t or couldn’t take advantage of the choices available to them.

For kids standing on the threshold of this brave new world, college is but one option in an array of enticing prospects. Dr. Barry Schwartz, professor of Psychology at Swarthmore College, asserts that higher education should answer these four important questions:

1. What is worth knowing?

2. What is worth doing?

3. What makes for a good human life?

4. What are my responsibilities to other people?

I love these questions, because regardless of how the world changes in the next year or even decade, the answers remain relevant. And even as our own resources and networks continue to evolve, these questions speak to the core of who we are as people and how each of us is uniquely gifted to contribute to the greater good.

This year, I have a son who will graduate from high school. Of course, he is thinking about what’s next. And probably—PROBABLY—college is the next most logical step. But he’s already approaching this incredibly important life decision with the aplomb of a student who has lived through a recession, a war in the middle east, virtual social networking, ongoing terrorism threats, legalization of marijuana, privatization of space travel, heated political contests, same sex marriage, self-driving cars, and a global pandemic. His lived childhood experience is totally different than the one I grew up in.

None of us can predict the future, but all of us can approach the future with a full measure of curiosity and a commitment to make the world a kinder, more equitable place to live—wherever we are. If we’ve done anything right in parenting our children, it’s that we’ve encouraged our kids to dream big. Work worth doing isn’t always easy, but it is always an adventure.

What questions would you add to this list? How are you helping the young people in your life consider their next steps? I’d love to know!

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The Scariest Question in the World

I have to tell you something about me: I’m 47 years old, and I’ve never had a cavity.

Until today.

I’ve been dreading today for the last six months because the last time I went to the dentist, he told me that in fact, I do have a cavity, and that he would have to fill it at my next appointment.

I’ve been counting down the last 180 days, and although I’ve had six months to prepare, believe me when I tell you that I was not ready.

Have you ever had a date circled on the calendar that you just didn’t want to arrive? In your mind, you just knew it was going to be the worst possible day.

That was me.

And then the day of the actual filling was really anti-climactic. A little numbing cream. A couple of shots, and then some weird noises, but otherwise…

BLESSEDLY UNEVENTFUL.

It’s easy to get ourselves worked up over things that MIGHT happen or COULD happen, but that doesn’t mean they WILL happen.

The scariest question in the world is WHAT IF?

The chance that your worst fear will actually happen is actually pretty low. In the case of my cavity, I was worried that it would hurt so bad that I would cry or throw up, which would be embarrassing, but not devastating. The reality, of course, is that a tiny little cavity isn’t going to kill me.

The only way to manage anxiety and fear is to face it head-on.

We have to face anxiety head-on because that’s where anxiety lives—IN OUR HEADS.

Here’s how:

Before: Channel the anxiety into something constructive. To ease your un-ease, do something to distract your mind from the thing you’re dreading. I like to practice Spanish or bake something in my kitchen. Sometimes I read or journal. Prayer always helps!

During: Remind yourself that the pain you’re experiencing is temporary. It will not last forever. (This trick helped me deliver four kids without drugs.) And again, prayer always helps. A posture of dependence can help you achieve an inner calm. It is a reminder that you are not alone.

After: Fear is a good thing. Humans are hard-wired to experience fear. That fight or flight response is exactly the thing that enables us either to hide from or attack our predators. There’s no such thing as overcoming fear, but facing our fears can help us be more confident, as we discover that surviving challenging situations is a skill-set we can own. And what you believe about the future changes how you live in the present.

• WHAT IF you believed that good things are to come?

• WHAT IF you believed that even this hard thing could be an invitation to learn something new about yourself or about the world?

• WHAT IF you believed your experience could be an encouragement to someone else?

Many of you are dealing with issues much scarier than a little ‘ol cavity, and my heart goes out to you today. We all have both small and big things in our lives that trigger the fear response. My dad, an avid tree climber, for example, has a fear of heights. To combat that fear, he just keeps climbing higher. My older daughter hates loud noises. When she feels overwhelmed, she visualizes the most peaceful place she knows. And I have a friend battling cancer. She shares everything that’s happening—the good and the bad—and thus invites everyone she knows to join her cheering squad.

I’d love to know how you’re slaying your own fears. Share your own tips and tricks in the comments below!

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YIKES...I'm Sharing My Biggest Weakness

You know that question they always ask at job interviews?

What’s your biggest weakness?

And then you’re supposed to be able to answer with something that’s actually a strength.

I’m going to tell you a little secret. My biggest weakness is:

I’ve always been afraid that I’m the dumbest person in the room.

It’s why I read too much and sometimes even talk too much. I do these things as a coping mechanism to prove how much I do know. This is silly, of course, and I’m trying to overcome it.

Isn’t there a quote somewhere about how nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care?

I get it. And I do care.

The first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. Am I right?

I just finished John Green’s Turtles all the way Down. In the book, a minor character says something that would be easy to dismiss, but that is actually an important theme for the book: “What I love most about science is that as you learn, you don’t really get answers. You just get better questions.”

I love this because it’s a reminder that having all the answers isn’t the end all-be all.

When I was in high school I had this friend who would always call the Atlanta Library Help Line when she didn’t know the answer to something. (Remember: this was the early 90s. Google hadn’t yet been invented.)

“They can find out the answer to anything you want to know,” she would say.

And she knew the number by heart. We called it all the time. All. The. Time. I always wondered if the library line was the best kept secret in Atlanta because my friend, Ashley, was the only one I ever heard mention it. The two of us really knew how game the system when it came to those last-minute opportunities for extra credit.

As it turns out, the answers I seek now aren’t as straightforward as the ones I gathered back in high school. We get older, and our questions get more complicated. The answers are more gray.

I know this is true because my husband is a pastor, and whenever he’s trying to recruit new volunteers for children’s ministry, he always begins with something like, “If you know as much as a four year-old, then you are perfectly positioned to help out in the three year-old room.”

Everyone chuckles.

But seriously…

One of the things I realized is that every time we ask a question what we’re really doing is extending an invitation to share our lives with strangers and friends. Giving ourselves permission to ask questions allows us to live with a spirit of generosity. We are literally inviting others to see not only what’s inside our minds and hearts but also to accept their response without judgment or shame.

And that can feel really vulnerable.

To be sure, every great scientific breakthrough in history began with a question.

“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on the solution, I would spend the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask… for once I know the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes.”—Albert Einstein

The answers to What if? are as varied and creative as the minds who ask it.

I’m glad I don’t have all the answers because let’s be honest, we all know somebody who is a know-it-all, and who we wish would just STOP TALKING already. I don’t want to be “that girl.” That girl is scared. That girl is insecure. That girl is lonely. She’s hiding behind a facade of knowledge because she’s afraid that when she’s found out no one will take her seriously. I want to be the girl who asks good questions, who makes other people feel like they’re the smartest person in the room.

Will you help me do that? Share the best question you ever asked or the best question anyone has ever asked you. What did you learn? How did it change your attitude, your perspective, or your life?

Let’s do this together!

What's the Best Compliment You've Ever Received?

My mother in law collects snow globes from the places she’s visited. My mother collects angels. I have a friend with a basement full of bobbleheads of famous baseball players. But the collection that still kind of creeps me out is the one that’s common among young moms—you know who you are—the ones that save their kids’ baby teeth. (Ewwww)

Me—I am a collector of questions.

I have a notebook filled with them.

The other day, as I was scanning through my notebook, I fired off a few to my husband:

What’s one responsibility you wish you didn’t have?
What’s your biggest fear about getting older?

And then this one:

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

A mentor once told me to pay attention to the compliments.

She said, “Always pay attention to your compliments. Write them down. They are a clue about who you are and what you are good at and where you can add value. Compliments help you figure out what you are supposed to do. Whenever you are unsure, one thing you can always do is pay attention to the compliments.”

So I don’t know what I expected him to say. Probably something regarding his work or education, but what he actually said was so unexpected and so beautiful it took my breath away.

Probably, “I do,” he said.

I do?

Can a promise also be a compliment?
(The best promises are compliments.)

I believe in you.
I love you.
I forgive you.

“I do” is akin to saying “You’re my favorite” every single day of your life.

"Do you, Chantel, take Gavin, to be your wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, so long as you both shall live?”

I do.
I do.
I do.

I promised on January 5, 1996, and every day since reinforces this reciprocal compliment, made all the more special because neither of us deserve it. Unexpected compliments are the sweetest of them all.

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