What I Want to Do vs. Who I Want to Be

What do I want to do
vs.
Who do I want to be

Thanks for sticking with us. This post is the last one in our series about motivation and goal-setting. Next month, we’ll be talking about friendship.

Unfortunately this post did not go out last week due to some technical issues with my email. All has been fixed (fingers crossed), and we’re back on track!

(Some formatting may be lost in your email. You can always view this post in your browser by clicking here.)

About this time every year, discouragement sets in. On January 1st, the possibility of the new year greets me with arms wide open, but four weeks in, I realize that the plans are just that—plans—not promises.

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but the Lord’s purpose prevails.

Proverbs 19.21

This realization can be daunting but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. If you’d like to stay on track with motivation and goals, it’s worth taking a little time this week to think about all the big (and little things) that are in the hopper this year. When it comes time to decide what to do, you’ll be armed and ready with the tools you need to say yes—or no.

In my years writing about motivation and goal setting, I’ve learned that while most people don’t struggle to make goals, they do struggle to keep them. And I think the biggest reason why is that as the year progresses, we are faced with so many other things that compete for our time and attention. It’s these little annoyances that crop up in the normal course of our day-to-day that threaten to push aside our real intentions (As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I had an email problem last week that took two days from me! Then I came down with a terrible cold, and well, the rest is history.)

True masters of motivation are able to overcome the normal woes of life because they have created a system that allows them to easily decide which choices matter most—even when life goes sideways.

A Lifetime of Decisions, A Million Little Choices

This plays out a few ways. Let me give you some real life examples of the curveballs we encounter:

First, if you have kids, you should assume that the next crisis might be right around the corner. After all, kids make their own choices, and sometimes they don’t choose to do the things that we think are best. If you have toddlers, they may rebel against the boundaries you set for them. An older child may be struggling in school and you have to decide if they just need a tutor or if this school is really the best fit for them this year. Or maybe there is friend drama, and technology issues, and you will be tempted to make a rash decision about a variety of tangential activities because you JUST WANT IT ALL TO GO AWAY.

Or maybe you are a student and as you look as this semester’s syllabus, you are overwhelmed with all the tests, projects, and papers that are due. If you are a recent graduate, you might feel frustrated in a new job. As you are getting used to your new role, you must decide how you will approach communication and team building within the company as well as decide which projects to tackle first.

All you have to do is look at your to-do list to understand that it never really gets any shorter. It’s hard to focus on accomplishing anything significant when responsibility and duty call.

And this is true, whether you’re a student or a parent or an entrepreneur or even retired.

Increase the chances of success.
Implement a new system.

Decision paralysis is not inevitable. Smart individuals and businesses have figured out that choices are not really about our desires, but about our values.

That’s true for the big ones, like marriage and family. For example, you probably want your marriage to work. No, not just work. You want it to be successful, filled with love and trust. But if one spouse values honest communication and fidelity and the other spouse does not, the chance of success will be limited for sure.

I could even argue that all our tiny choices are really value assertions. As I sit here writing this, I feel the beginnings of hunger. I can choose to eat the salsa-flavored Sun Chips sitting in my pantry or the honeycrisp apple on the counter. It’s certainly easier to dive into a bag of chips than to peel and slice the apple, but if a healthy lifestyle is a value, then at this very moment that choice should be an easy one.

I find that facing decisions armed with my values makes deciding what to do a whole lot easier.

“Is this a value I want to uphold?” is a very different question than “Is this good for me or is this bad for me?” It also helps put into perspective the idea that sometimes what we want right now is not what we want most.

Delayed gratification becomes easier when we frame our choices in light of our values.

Try it the next time you’re faced with a decision and you’re not sure what to do. Ask yourself, “Is this a value I want to uphold?”

Whatever you’re facing this year, I hope that this conversation about values is an encouragement to you. It’s a big year. We’ve got a lot of choices ahead of us, including electing a new president.

Don’t know what your values are?

Learn more. I’ve written about values here and here. Or read this one for more insight on how to make your days a little more productive.

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Hey You, Is Your Life GOOD?

Jonathan Fields, host of The Good Life Project podcast, always ends conversation with guests with this question:

“How do you define the ‘good life?’ What does a ‘good life”’look like to you?”

Human science expert Brene Brown answered, “ A good life happens when you stop and are grateful for the ordinary moments that so many of us seem to steamroll over to try to find those extraordinary moments. To me, my good life is soccer practice and carpool line. And tuck-ins. And date night. That’s the good life for me. And knowing it’s good. Acknowledging and stopping and saying that it’s good.”

What’s interesting to me is what she didn’t say.

No mention at all of being grateful to write six New York Times best-selling books, host two podcasts, or hold a research fellowship at the University of Houston. She didn’t have to say that she’s the premier voice for courage and empathy. Those are the things that define her work.

And her life is not defined by her work.

The good life is all these little things.
Easily within reach of any one of us.

And this isn’t new information. Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.”

(***We all nod our heads and murmur in agreement. ****)

Some things we have to discover on our own.

It’s our experience that changes how we perceive the present.

As I sit here writing this, my new kitten is basking in a patch of sunlight, and my other kitten is nestled against my back and the chair. They both got so excited when I opened a package of treats earlier today.

I started thinking about my own small things journey.

• Walking out of a cold building and into the hot August sun (am I the only one that loves that?)

• A surprise thundershower this afternoon that brought with it a cool breeze.

• Finding a bag of my favorite chips hidden in the pantry.

• A package waiting for me on the front porch.

Dr. Brown said we should stop and acknowledge that it’s good.

And this is where I struggle.

Because when I’m in a big room and someone asks me about my life, these little things sound pathetic when I say them out loud. And I know that’s a “me” problem, not a “them” problem. I’m the one who needs to come to terms with my good life.

It really is so, so good.

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Your Values Determine Your Value

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“Try not to become a man of success, but rather a man of value.”

— Albert Einstein

I don’t remember when I first heard this quote, but the words have stuck with me.

Success just feels so…subjective.
As it should be.
After all, everyone has a different definition of what it means to be successful. I’ve written about success many times over the years.
(You can read more, here, here, here, here, and here.)

We all want to be successful, and we definitely don’t want to admit it when we’re not.

But I think I love this Einstein quote so much because it just makes sense:

To believe that a man who provides value is more important than a man who believes he is successful: I can get on board with that kind of thinking.

In the marketplace, people pay good money for value.
Valuable things cost more.
Because they’re worth more.

And the more I thought about the quote, I too, wanted to become a person of value. “Value” is a word that’s rich with meaning: It conveys utility, importance, and high regard.

Values, on the other hand, are the individual beliefs that act as a guide for human behavior; the principles that help you decide what’s right and wrong and how to behave in certain situations.

When Gavin and I purchased the coffee shop last year, one of the first things we knew we needed to do was decide who we were going to be.

I know what you’re thinking. Duh! You’re a coffee shop! There’s one on every corner.
You. Sell. Coffee.

And you’re right. We did sell coffee. But the coffee was only a by-product of what we were really selling—the experience of drinking coffee in an environment that reflected our values. The problem was that when we got to Copper Coin nobody knew what those values were. They had never been discussed. They had never been shared. We had to create them so our team could begin internalizing them and our guests could begin experiencing them.

In business, the motto du jour is “Profit First.”
There’s even a book by the same title.

Profit, this book (and others like it) will tell you, is the difference between revenue and expenses. It’s what separates the unsuccessful business from the successful one.

Simple enough on paper but hard to do in real life.

Unfortunately, I’ve never been great at the whole for-profit thing. My entire life experience up until now has been firmly rooted in the realm of nonprofit work. “Stop trying to give everything away!” Gavin would often have to remind me in the early days of owning the coffee shop.

People will pay good money for what they value.

Again, the reminder:

“Try not to become a man of success but rather a man of value.”

— Albert Einstein

Our five values were:

1. Hospitality

2. Belonging

3. Generosity

4. Artisan Craftsmanship

5. Joy

It was only when we closed that I was sure we had succeeded in living out these values, as story after story was shared with me about the ways in which Copper Coin had been impactful to the people who experienced it on a daily basis. Sure, people missed the coffee, but they missed the experience of being in their favorite place with their favorite people even more.

Those five values mean a lot to me personally.

They reflect the person I aspire to be. But I don’t want them only to be aspirational; no, these values need to be guiding principles. No matter what the future holds in terms of work, I want people to look at my life and see my values reflected there.

No doubt the future will be filled with more opportunities to create, build, and lead. You have choices, too. Do your values act as guideposts for the decisions you have to make about future work and life?

“If the decisions you make about where you invest your blood, sweat, and tears are not consistent with the person you aspire to be, you’ll never become that person.”

— Clayton M. Christensen

Do you agree?

I would love for you to share your personal values with me. How are they reflected at home and at work? Simply hit “reply” or type your answer in the comments below.

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