5 Things to Stop Doing Right Now

“At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.”

— Benjamin Franklin

So here’s to good judgment. Here’s to learning what didn’t work. Here’s to honoring your values. Here’s to doing something new and good and significant.

1) Stop all the rushing.

“I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, thens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing....Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”

— Ann Voskamp

“Where’s the fire?” my grandpa used to say when we bounded in and out of the house, tiny blurs on our way to a game or the refrigerator or to slam the door in a sibling’s face. You are afraid that the world will pass you by, that if you don’t keep up, then you’re time is up. Are you happier? Are you healthier? Are you present? So take a little break—not because you have all the time in the world, but because you know you don’t. The frenetic pace is only making you stressed out and burned out. It’s time to decide what truly matters.

2) Stop being stingy with your life—give away praise, money, and influence.

“The value of a life is always measured in the amount of it you give away.”

— Andy Stanley

We all know it’s better to give than to receive. Giving praise to others doesn’t mean there’s less for you. It’s time to stop being so self-centered and shift the focus to others for a change. Who can you lend your platform to? Who can you help raise up? Learning who we are and what we want is a lifelong process, but selflessness is a sure-fire cure for the insecurity you feel right now.

3) Stop eating, drinking, and sleeping like your health doesn’t matter.

“To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art.”

— M.K. Fisher

Because it does.

Eat well. Drink lots and lots of water (collagen!) and get your sleep. They call it beauty rest for a reason. Some people say they’ll sleep when they’re dead, but if you want to find yourself headed for an early grave, just keep coming up short in this area. Sleep is necessary for healing and memory, two things you’ll want to preserve in your 30s, 40s, and beyond.

It takes more strength to say no to yourself than anyone else, so don’t beat yourself up when you make bad choices, but remember—one good choice today leads to more good habits tomorrow.

4) Stop ignoring your best relationships.

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.”

— Charlie Tremendous Jones

I was talking with a friend going through something hard the other day, and she was apologizing for being upset about something.

“I just wish we could sit at my counter and eat cookies and drink tea instead of talking about this!” she said.

And I said, “The reason we can talk about this is because we’ve spent so much time sitting at your counter and eating cookies and drinking tea.”

All that time you thought you were wasting with your friends? That was time well spent. Try doing it with your husband, your kids, and even the people you don’t like as much but are in your life for better or for worse. Stop focusing on what makes you different from the people around you and start focusing on the things that connect you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is befriend someone who is not like you. Influence begins when friendship is born.

5) Stop talking about your age.

“Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.”

— Psalms 71:18

Nobody cares how old you are. Age is just a number, they say, but you never hear teenagers talking about colonoscopies, bad knees, mammograms, cellulite, wrinkles or muffin tops. It’s fun to turn 13, 16, 18, and 21. After that, a lot of people hardly acknowledge their birthdays. Even the big ones—30, 40, 50— are often marked with black balloons and “over the hill” jokes. Let’s stop it right now. Be an interesting person by continuing to do interesting things; it doesn’t matter if you’re a millenial or gen-xer or whatever. Be your wonderful self and leave the stereotypes to someone else. Whether you have new-found expertise or lifelong experience, you add value to the world. And by the way, retirement was created when most work was manual labor. Today’s work is more knowledge based. You’re not finished just because you’re older. I promise you one thing we could all use a little more of in this world is WISDOM.

When we become the best version of ourselves, the world around us becomes better too.

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WINsday on Wednesday--The Future Hasn't Happened Yet, So Why Are You Going There?

What are you afraid of?

When I ask this question, the answers vary:

I’m afraid my kids will make bad choices.
I’m afraid I won’t have enough money for retirement.
I’m afraid I’ll never get to do the things I really want to do.
I’m afraid things will never get better—in my finances, my marriage, my work, etc. etc.

Do you see what all these fears have in common?

All of them take place in the future, and guess what?

The future hasn’t happened yet!

Last year, I asked my friend Laura about her aspirational self, the future Laura:. It’s a question I like to ask because thinking about who we want to be and what we want to be doing is always a fun conversation starter—sort of like, “If you won the lottery, what would you do with all the money?” It’s fun to think about what could happen and what might happen.

If only…

And even though I always feel like I have to squeeze in a caveat—“Tomorrow is not a guarantee”—I still was able to get Laura to talk about her three favorite aspirational words: Faithful, Courageous, and Present.

You’ll see why these words are important:

On Christmas Eve 2013, Laura’s boyfriend proposed to her. In a little more than two weeks time, he was being deployed to Afghanistan.

“Do you want to get married now?” he asked.

“Now?”  she said. “What about the dress, the bridesmaids, the party?”

All of that could wait.

They eloped, and what followed was a sweet time of secret matrimony—fully rooted in the present.

The future, while tinged with possibility, is also the place where our worst fears live, where the unknown grows and messes with our heads. For someone with a loved one in the military, those fears can feel extra scary. You don’t know exactly where they are, if you will hear from them, or when they are coming home.

You want to plan. You want to prepare. You want predictable outcomes you can control.

If only we could tell the butterflies in our tummies to “Go away and never come back!”

How many times have you heard someone who is facing something overwhelming say that all they can do is focus on what’s right in front of them? You say things like, “I could never do what you’re doing.” Or “I would never be brave enough to handle all that!” And it’s true, if you knew what the future held—in all its glory or in all its gory—you may not have the strength to face it. You’re better off not knowing what’s next.

The job change.
The diagnosis.
The loss.

Right now is the only thing that is true and real.

The past is regret.
The future is fear.
But the present is a gift.

So go ahead:

Dream your big dreams.

Laura and Trey have been married for six years and have a beautiful baby girl. They had a big surprise wedding nine months after their real one. And Laura doesn’t have any regrets. Doing the courageous thing—eloping—allowed her the freedom to be present for two weeks before Trey was deployed. And even though she’s not sure if her grandmother will ever forgive her for the secret wedding, I’m going to bet that Grandma already knows what we’re just now discovering—remaining faithful and present with the people you love is the most courageous thing you can ever do!

Now Laura says whenever she starts to think about the future, whenever those “what if” questions try to distract her from her current work, she tells herself to stay in the moment.

You are strong enough to handle what’s happening right now. In the present, what you have is always enough.

Some of you are like,

“Yeah, I know all that. I know I should be more present. But HOW DO I DO IT?”

Don’t worry—I’ve got you covered. Here’s three things you can do RIGHT NOW (See what I did there?)

1.     Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is simply a hyper-awareness of the present. Using all your senses, meditate on what you’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, and smelling. A favorite song or scent can bring you right back to the present by reminding you in an instant about what’s important.

2.     Adopt a posture of gratitude. Thanksgiving is the recognition that what we have is enough.

3.     Single-task your life. This one is the hardest. Multi-tasking wastes both time and energy because distractions are the enemy of productivity. But more importantly, divided attention voids your good intention. Be fully engaged with one thing at a time and you’ll find the present more accessible and enjoyable.

Fear wants to rob you of what you have now by diverting your attention to what hasn’t even happened yet.

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WINSday on Wednesday--On Agendas and Nap Mats

One of my favorite books on life (and on writing) is Bird by Bird by Anne Lamont:

“Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write. [It] was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said. ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”

— Anne Lamont, Bird by Bird

That phrase, “bird by bird” has been a favorite mantra of mine whenever I’ve been overwhelmed by the hugeness of the tasks before me.

When my kids were in elementary school, they were required to carry an agenda. The agenda featured boxes for every subject, and the kids wrote their homework in these boxes. Each assignment included a due date and had to be signed nightly by a parent before being returned to school the next morning. I carried a similar agenda when I was in college, and I still have them because throwing them away feels akin to erasing the whole of my life. It’s as if the agenda is proof that I lived and I DID STUFF! When I graduated, I set aside the flimsy, spiral-bound agenda for a more grown-up day planner complete with a fancy leather cover. I wrote everything in it—EVERYTHING—from meetings to to-do lists to what I was having for dinner on any given night. But as the children arrived and my life became less structured I gave up the leather-clad agenda for a more practical sticky-note method of organization.

I’ll tell you a secret: The sticky-note method created a lot of challenges.

For one, I was no longer the dynamic, yet driven professional who got work done. Suddenly, I found that I had morphed into a flaky, late, last-minute, and forgetful person, a person surrounded by notes and lists scribbled on scraps and haphazardly strewn about the house.

Was the agenda of my youth comprised of magic paper?

I don’t think so, but what the real agenda did force me to do was pause. A neat and organized person will calmly open to the appropriate clearly-labeled page, review what has already been done, and take note of all upcoming work. The person who uses an agenda knows exactly where to find exactly what she needs. Bird by bird, she checks things off her list and by the end of the day, week, or year, she can clearly see all she has accomplished.

Keeping an agenda isn’t rocket science; it’s common sense. Hence, the reason my kindergartener came home with one on her very first day of school.

Our WINSday on Wednesday is inspired by my friend, Karen Seward.

Karen and I don’t talk about agendas in this episode, but what we do talk about is life. Karen is motivated and driven. She has a full-time job at a large corporation and she also finds time to do the work that speaks to her soul, something she calls Karen’s Coffee Corner. Karen has built a community, written a book, and become an accomplished motivational speaker.

How does Karen do it all? Does she have a magic agenda?

Her secret might surprise you: Karen starts the day by doing absolutely nothing.

She calls this meditation, and it’s definitely not doing nothing. Meditation is important work. When Karen first started meditating, she would set a timer for just two minutes. After years of practice, today she doesn’t need a timer at all and still spends up to thirty minutes every morning in silence. She told me that she imagines putting all her cares into a giant balloon and releasing them into the sky,. Then she focuses on simply being grateful.

I thought about my agenda, the one I’m not currently keeping. I wonder if I simply implemented the practice of meditation, if it would help keep me on track.

According to Karen, I would be:

• Less Stressed

• More motivated

• And have increased focus

“Imagine putting all your worries in a balloon and letting them go,” Karen advises. “Your bank accounts, your 401 K, your business, and your tensions. Find a way to visually allow your worries to float away.”

In my imagination, I like the idea of not having an agenda. Wouldn’t it be fun if everyday was like being on vacation?

“I’m on ‘island time,’ baby!”

As if!

But if we want to be successful, if we want to actually DO STUFF, we would do well to go back to the beginning. My kindergartener had an agenda AND she had a nap mat. Everyday, her teacher made the entire class roll out their mats and lay there for thirty minutes. They didn’t have to go to sleep, but they did have to rest.

The first grade teacher did not include a nap mat among the long list of supplies the kids were required to bring to school.

But I wish she would have kept up the practice.

When does a person ever really stop needing a nap mat?

There’s value in the things we do as kids. It’s funny and weird that we grow up and somehow think we know more and can do better. I guess that’s true of a few things, like managing our money or navigating complicated work relationships. But if you go back to those early days of agendas and nap mats, wouldn’t you agree that you never felt more true to yourself as you did when you were five?

After thirty minutes, you rolled up your mat, sat back down at your desk, and began your work, refreshed and ready to take on the day—bird by bird.

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