WINSday on Wednesday--What People Regret in Middle Age

My son, Gavin, hasn’t had a shower in six days.

We have running water, and he’s not in some kind of weird contest to see how long you can go without a shower.

He’s on a month-long cross country road trip.

And he’s sleeping in his car.

This is 18.

And he can do it because the comfortable, predictable summer he had planned got canceled.

So he pivoted.

How many times in your life have you wished for a new adventure?

Did you pay attention to that still, small voice? Or did you say,

“Not now.?“
”Not yet.”
”The timing Isn’t right.”
”One day…”

If you’re reading this blog and you’re my age, you may be thinking I’m a bad mom for allowing my son to go on a trip like that unsupervised. Maybe you think it’s reckless to live off of peanut butter and tortillas and park your car in Walmart parking lots and shower once a week at truck stops.

Trust me—I know how crazy it sounds.

Because I know what middle age looks like. And what people regret once they get here.

You may be familiar with Bronnie Ware’s “Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” The number one regret of people who are dying is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live the life true of myself, not the one others expected of me.”

Recently, I discovered a new article called “Top Eight Regrets of Middle Age.” The author thought it would be interesting to discover what people regret while they are still young enough to be able to do something about it. I often think of regret and happiness on two ends of linear continuum (X-axis). You would think that as people age (the Y-axis), happiness would decrease. But that’s not what happens at all. Interestingly, happiness in adulthood decreases until middle age, and then begins to rise again.

Scientists have found that people are most unhappy at age 46—my exact age!

So what do middle aged people regret the most?

Foremost, they regret not doing the “right” thing when someone died. And I can understand that sentiment. The grave approaches faster than we want to admit, and so when we are confronted with death, it is awkward, and we fumble, and also we’re just not ready, so it’s easy to put off reconciliation.

Nextt, middle aged people regret spending too much time worrying and being afraid and not having enough adventure.

And I know this is true, too. We watch the news. We consume social media. Fear is real and far-reaching.

It makes me so happy to see my son going out on his own. He’s not afraid of anything! And sure, he’s 18, and so he, too, is a product of his age. Teenagers are known for their invincibility. But I don’t think an adventurous spirit and an invincible attitude are the same thing. You can have a whole lot of fun without being a reckless jerk.

None of us should grow old regretting that our lives didn’t have enough adventure in them.

We live in a time where everywhere we turn someone is telling us to “BE SAFE.”

In this season of social distancing, we have more time than ever before to try something new. What you choose to do may not be physical. Few of us have the resources to take a cross-country road trip. And no one is asking you to eschew the responsibilities you have. Adventure doesn’t have to be wasted on the young. The landscape of our mind’s eye can be just as interesting.

Is there a project you’ve been wanting to tackle?
A person you’d like to mee?
A book you’d like to write?
An idea you’d like to bring home?

This is the perfect time to stop waiting. Now, more than ever, people are more generous and kind. And while you may think your opportunities are limited because what’s available looks a lot different than it did a year ago, I really think there has never been a more exciting time to be alive. It’s exciting precisely because we have to be more creative and more resourceful. People are hungry for connection. They are hungry for something that feels new and alive.

You know how they say sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can move forward. We are In the trough of the u-bend. There’s nowhere to go but UP.

Are you ready?

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5 Things to Stop Doing Right Now

“At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.”

— Benjamin Franklin

So here’s to good judgment. Here’s to learning what didn’t work. Here’s to honoring your values. Here’s to doing something new and good and significant.

1) Stop all the rushing.

“I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, thens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing....Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”

— Ann Voskamp

“Where’s the fire?” my grandpa used to say when we bounded in and out of the house, tiny blurs on our way to a game or the refrigerator or to slam the door in a sibling’s face. You are afraid that the world will pass you by, that if you don’t keep up, then you’re time is up. Are you happier? Are you healthier? Are you present? So take a little break—not because you have all the time in the world, but because you know you don’t. The frenetic pace is only making you stressed out and burned out. It’s time to decide what truly matters.

2) Stop being stingy with your life—give away praise, money, and influence.

“The value of a life is always measured in the amount of it you give away.”

— Andy Stanley

We all know it’s better to give than to receive. Giving praise to others doesn’t mean there’s less for you. It’s time to stop being so self-centered and shift the focus to others for a change. Who can you lend your platform to? Who can you help raise up? Learning who we are and what we want is a lifelong process, but selflessness is a sure-fire cure for the insecurity you feel right now.

3) Stop eating, drinking, and sleeping like your health doesn’t matter.

“To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art.”

— M.K. Fisher

Because it does.

Eat well. Drink lots and lots of water (collagen!) and get your sleep. They call it beauty rest for a reason. Some people say they’ll sleep when they’re dead, but if you want to find yourself headed for an early grave, just keep coming up short in this area. Sleep is necessary for healing and memory, two things you’ll want to preserve in your 30s, 40s, and beyond.

It takes more strength to say no to yourself than anyone else, so don’t beat yourself up when you make bad choices, but remember—one good choice today leads to more good habits tomorrow.

4) Stop ignoring your best relationships.

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.”

— Charlie Tremendous Jones

I was talking with a friend going through something hard the other day, and she was apologizing for being upset about something.

“I just wish we could sit at my counter and eat cookies and drink tea instead of talking about this!” she said.

And I said, “The reason we can talk about this is because we’ve spent so much time sitting at your counter and eating cookies and drinking tea.”

All that time you thought you were wasting with your friends? That was time well spent. Try doing it with your husband, your kids, and even the people you don’t like as much but are in your life for better or for worse. Stop focusing on what makes you different from the people around you and start focusing on the things that connect you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is befriend someone who is not like you. Influence begins when friendship is born.

5) Stop talking about your age.

“Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.”

— Psalms 71:18

Nobody cares how old you are. Age is just a number, they say, but you never hear teenagers talking about colonoscopies, bad knees, mammograms, cellulite, wrinkles or muffin tops. It’s fun to turn 13, 16, 18, and 21. After that, a lot of people hardly acknowledge their birthdays. Even the big ones—30, 40, 50— are often marked with black balloons and “over the hill” jokes. Let’s stop it right now. Be an interesting person by continuing to do interesting things; it doesn’t matter if you’re a millenial or gen-xer or whatever. Be your wonderful self and leave the stereotypes to someone else. Whether you have new-found expertise or lifelong experience, you add value to the world. And by the way, retirement was created when most work was manual labor. Today’s work is more knowledge based. You’re not finished just because you’re older. I promise you one thing we could all use a little more of in this world is WISDOM.

When we become the best version of ourselves, the world around us becomes better too.

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