Friendship: It's Not that Complicated

This February, we’ll be talking about love and friendship. I hope you’ll join me for these weekly conversations. Let’s get started!

Friendship.

It’s only two syllables, and yet it’s a big word, loaded with meaning and possibility.

If you are a normal human being, the odds are good that relationships are important to you. Since the beginning of time, humans were created for relationships. Our survival depends on it! We’re better together, and that’s an undeniable fact. You may have even grown up hearing that the quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships.

But what is friendship, really?

Friendship is just two humans mutually agreeing to be in a relationship for no benefit except they enjoy each other.

Friend: A person you enjoy

It’s really not that complicated.

And yet, adults are lonelier than ever. Friendship, as a hobby, is dying a slow death in America. Loneliness has even been called an epidemic! Friendship peaks at age 25, and steadily declines from there. One in four people admit to having no confidantes at all, and a staggering 75% of people confess disappointment in the friendships they do have.

Yikes. That’s some scary stuff.

When I look at my relationships through the lens of “people that I enjoy,” I see that I really have a rich life filled with lots of friends. There are so many people that I enjoy, and whether I get invited to every party, networking event, or pop up pickleball game is irrelevant.

• Can I call you and have a nice conversation?

• Can we hang out in a coffee shop together?

• Can we go on a walk?

• Am I happy to see you when I run into you at the grocery store, church, or the ball field?

Sometimes I think we have a tendency to overthink our friendships, wondering if someone likes us before we’ve even had a chance to get to know each other at all.

Here’s a tip for you: when you share your story (along with all the gory, not-so-great details), people tend to like you more, not less.

Best Friends

My friend Melanie always says there are people like us and people who just like us. (I’ve always loved that sentiment!)

She and I are best friends, even though I don’t share her love of Star Wars or zombie docudramas, She’ll never understand why I fall asleep during Broadway musicals and in the middle of late-night card games. She takes her coffee black and I like mine with chocolate. I like everything with chocolate. But when it comes to the important stuff, we are for each other.

When it comes right down to it, we simply enjoy each other.

And if that’s all it takes to make a friendship work, then I think we can all find success. Yes, there will always be people who are too busy to return our calls or who can never find time to meet us for lunch. There will be people who “forget” to invite us to the neighborhood potluck. And yes, there will be people who simply don’t like us. That’s okay.

My mom always told me that to make friends you have to BE a friend. It is within YOUR power not to be the one who forgets. It is within your power to be the one who extends the invitation. It is within your power to check in even if you haven’t talked to each other in months…or years.

Go ahead. Don’t be shy.

Loneliness might be an epidemic, but it doesn’t have to be contagious.

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Loneliness: You are not Alone

Loneliness.

Isn’t it fascinating that such a big word has the power to make a person feel so small?

Loneliness is an epidemic, but incredibly the pandemic doesn’t seem to have made it worse (source). That’s a good thing, but loneliness is still pervasive. Friendship peaks at age 25, and steadily declines from there. One in four people admit to having no confidantes at all, and a staggering 75% of people confess disappointment in the friendships they do have.

When I’m excited about something I’m working on, I can go days without speaking to another human being outside my family. It’s a gift and a curse, attributed mostly to being sent to my room a lot as a kid. Social isolation was the punishment du jour, and so I learned how to entertain myself within those four walls, reading books or writing stories or listening to music. In those days, we did not have technology to distract us, and so I created fantasy worlds inside my own head.

Trust me, you do not want to get lost in there!

Even though I am content being alone, true joy always emerges when I am in the company of others. I devour stories, savor interesting conversation, and linger over happy gatherings.

And truth be told—I think we can all admit that there are some things best experienced WITH friends, and so if you are one of those people suffering loneliness right now—either by choice or by default—let me give you a little to-do list to help combat those feelings of isolation.

Doesn’t everybody love a good to-do list? Checking boxes gratifies a deep-seated need to be productive.

1. Love one another.

A new command I give: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 13:34

I remember the first time I heard a pastor tell me that love isn’t a feeling; it’s a verb. BLEW. MY. MIND. Now, it seems obvious. I have a husband and kids (and a very ornery dog—ACCCCKKK!), and I don’t always feel loving, but still I love them. And if you have a husband or kids (or a dog!) you know what I mean. We’re not just keeping these little beings alive; we want the best for them. We want them to thrive because deep down—admit it—don’t you feel just a teeny bit responsible for helping them become the very best versions of themselves?

2. Serve one another.

You, my brothers and sisters were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

Galatians 5:13

This passage reminds me of another that says, “Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever want to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be , served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” —Matthew 20:26-28

Friends, there as many ways to serve one another as there are colors in the rainbow. And if you’re thinking Chantel, there’s just seven colors in a rainbow, you’re wrong! The entire spectrum is there—subtle, yet true. You don’t have to look very hard to find ways to serve. Service is the first way Jesus connected with people; he set an example, so we can serve too. One of the very first miracles Jesus performed was turning water into wine, and although you cannot literally turn water into wine, is there something you can make better for someone else? Something that if you did it, would make someone else feel like the party was just getting started?

3. Forgive one another.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32

My husband and I love the musical Hamilton. Halfway through the show, Alexander Hamilton and his wife, Eliza, undergo a period of intense grief after the death of their firstborn son. It’s a heart-wrenching scene; Eliza blames Alexander for his death because Alexander knew about the duel ahead of time. A song begins, but the end of it is where the real emotion lies: It goes like this:

They are standing in the garden
Alexander by Eliza's side
She takes his hand
It's quiet uptown

Forgiveness, can you imagine?
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

If you see him in the street
Walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity
They are going through the unimaginable

It takes a lot to bring tears to my eyes, but this scene always does. Forgiveness restores relationships.

Always.

4. Honor one another.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 12:10

Honor. Respect. Grace. Devotion. The author of Romans says it beautifully, “Honor one another above yourselves.” But how do we do that? I know it’s hard. We are inherently selfish, but over and over again, it seems humility and honor often go hand-in-hand.

“The truly humble man will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.”

— C.S. Lewis

Loneliness is private, personal; it’s an inward angst that is wholly defeated when we’re committed to prioritizing the needs of others above ourselves.

Easier said than done, of course, but we can work on it together! 😉

5. Pray for one another.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

Every once in awhile, I’ll receive a text or email from someone that simply says, “I’m praying for you today.” Five simple words. None have the power to bring more peace than the knowledge that someone else is talking to God on my behalf. To carry someone else’s burden in this way is to walk alongside a person even when you cannot physically walk side-by-side.

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I lead a small group of college age girls. We meet on Wednesday nights, and the very first time we ever got together, I asked them, “What brought you to this group?” Nearly every single girl answered, “For friends.” The primary reason they attend is not because they want to grow spiritually or hear an interesting message—those things are bonuses—they come because they need each other. There are twelve girls in my group, and they could not be more different. They hail from different socioeconomic backgrounds, negotiate complicated family histories, and face challenges beyond anything I ever had to deal with as a college student.

They need each other.

We need each other.

Loneliness is normal, but you do not have to navigate it alone.

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