Is there any such thing as a silly fear?

What are you afraid of?

That was the question our family pondered together around the dinner table tonight.

• Spiders

• Moldy bread

• Pop quizzes

• Small children who have eaten too much sugar and haven’t had enough sleep (That one is mine.)

And then somebody mentioned clowns.

And everybody was like, “Oh, yeah…clowns…SO CREEPY.”

WHEN DID CLOWNS GO FROM BEING KOOKY TO CREEPY?

Aaron piped up: “2016! That’s when Stephen King’s It came out in theatres.”

But then Gavin pulled up a YouTube video of the famous Bozo the Clown of the 1960s. He sure looked creepy to us, but the crowd went wild for him—in a good way!

Bozo the Clown 1966

I did a little digging and found that creepy clowns go all the way back to 1928, way before Bozo entered the scene.

Weirdly, the baptist church in my hometown used to have a Clown Ministry, of all things. I wish I could find an old YouTube video of that!

The reality is that most fears are irrational. Take that fear of spiders, for example. Less than 1/10th of one percent of the more than 37,000 spiders known to exist are dangerous. That’s crazy! What are the chances that the tiny guy dangling from a thread on my back porch will actually cause me any harm?

It’s ridiculous when you really stop and think about it.

Even on Vacation…

We were in Hilton Head last month and a friend from the gym—an older gentleman— warned me that there was a shark on the loose.

Yep. Those were his exact words—Shark. On. The. Loose.

It became a sort of running joke. All week we laughed about the “shark on the loose” in the great big Atlantic Ocean!

My daughter sent me this photo from one of the beach dives that caters to tourists. Her caption:“I found the shark on the loose!”

I found the shark on the loose!!!

The funny thing is that sharks only kill 6 people per year (on average). I’ve never been too afraid of sharks in Hilton Head, even though (even though!!!) there’s always a guy with a fishing pole reeling one in!

Around town, we mostly see alligators lounging on the grass next to ominous signs warning hapless tourists not to feed them. But even alligators only kill 3 people per year. (Our vacation family told us that.) While their family discussed various hypothetical vacation disaster scenarios, one of the kids discovered an online stat warning that coconuts are far more deadly than either alligators or sharks, killing a whopping 150 people every year!

Who knew?

So why all this talk of fear? Am I scaring you already?

Well, today I read an article about how fear can warp ambition. I don’t think I would have stopped to read the article at all, but I was curious because both fear and ambition are so complicated.

EVERY TIME YOU MIX EMOTION with DESIRE, THINGS GET Pretty COMPLICATED.

Think about it for a second.

Fear can be a good thing.

• Fear signals danger and motivates us to respond to potential threats.

• It heightens the senses and helps us recognize risks to avoid harm.

• Confronting our fears encourages us to step out of our comfort zones and try new things.

BUT…Fear also has a nasty underbelly.

The article I read highlighted the fears of unworthiness, uncertainty, insecurity, and rejection as the things that could undermine ambition. And I get this because in my own life, especially as I’ve gotten older, I’ve allowed fear to cloud what could be healthy ambition.

And WHY? Why have I allowed fear to choke me like that? Have you felt it it too?

I think most fears are the direct result of a lie we’ve believed. Some of us hear these lies and vow that “We’ll show them! They’ll see! One day they’ll be sorry that they ever said THAT about ME!”

But some of us (and I’m talking about myself here), realize much too late that all our lives we’ve been believing something that was never even true. And that thing that we believed might be keeping us from doing our best work. I think it’s the reason why every single women’s conference I’ve ever been to has had one of two themes: Either “I am Worthy” or “I am Enough.” And to be honest, I’ve kind of shunned those conferences because I grew up knowing I was worthy and that I was enough.

But I’m gonna be real honest here: I grew up knowing I was worthy in the same way that I know spiders aren’t scary and that sharks rarely patrol the waters surrounding Hilton Head Island. I know these things to be true, but I’m still gonna scream my head off if a spider falls on my head, and it’s going to have to be a pretty hot day to get me to wade farther than waist deep into those tempting waves.

Seriously…

Who told you you were fat?
Who told you you were ugly?
Who told you you were average?

Who told you that?
But here’s the bigger question:
WHY DID YOU BELIEVE IT?

LIES! LiES!

So the lesson here is: the next time you’re sitting under a palm tree debating about whether or not to wade out into those tempting waves, you better look up first and make sure there’s not a coconut about to drop on your head.

I’m kidding.

THAT IS NOT THE LESSON.

The lesson is that fear is only fear because of what we don’t know. And the truth is that you don’t know what amazing things you might be capable of doing. Until you actually try to do them.

Doesn’t it seem like everybody is a little bit more anxious these days?

Late one night, Gavin and I were talking about how there’s not much we don’t know anymore. I mean, at the touch of a button, we can see where every one of our four kids is in real time. We know exactly what route to follow and even how long it will take to get to them. If I get in the car and plug that address into my GPS right this very second, a kind voice will direct my every move turn-by-turn. I don’t even have to think about it.

It’s crazy to think that just a couple of decades ago, my college boyfriend would drive up from Georgia to Indiana armed with nothing but a map and a prayer—”Lord, help me make good time.” Once or twice he just showed up at my door and didn’t even tell me he was on the way! What if I hadn’t been home? What if I had made other plans? What if something had happened to him on the way?

WHAT IF did not exist. We just lived.

It’s okay not to know what’s next, despite the fact that everywhere I go these days, that’s the question I get asked. We’re scared because we can’t see the future, and we’ve become accustomed to seeing everything in real time. But the thing is—we NEVER see the big picture. We can only see where we are right now. Those maps from the olden days are relics of yore. We know nothing now of hazy landforms or unmarked detours. We’re scared because we’ve been told that the world is a scary place and that we must be VIGILANT. AT. ALL. COSTS.

But maybe, just maybe, sitting in the dark for a little while is a good thing.

I believe a little bit of fear is good for our faith.

Just imagine those two emotions sitting next to each other in peaceful companionship. For a moment, let faith cover fear with her brave, strong hand. Give faith permission to speak truth over the lies that have allowed your fear of the unknown to grow. What wonderful things might you discover if you embarked on such a journey?

I’ve always loved this verse in Hebrews 11:1: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

What is the lie that’s keeping you from your greatest ambition?

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The Hidden Benefit of Trying New Things

The Hidden Benefit of Trying New Things

If you’ve ever been bored by your life, you’re not alone.

Maybe you’ve heard someone else say they feel like they’re languishing?

Now, that’s a big word!

The literal definition of languish is to suffer from being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation.

And the older I get, the more people I meet who seem to be stuck there.

Turns out, it actually IS hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

And listen, I’m not one to talk.

Change is scary!

But just because something is scary doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Case in point: When my kids and husband begged me to ride Rip Ride Rocket at Universal Studios, I said yes. I screamed from beginning to thrilling end, but did I have fun? Heck yeah I did!

You say you want to flourish. You say you want to make a profound impact. You say you want to live life to the fullest by doing work that matters.

Maybe you want to share your your message, your skills, your mission with hundreds or even thousands of people. 

And yet you wonder why you can’t seem to get moving when you think about how exciting your life would be—if only you could just DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. 

How overwhelming it feels, how impossible to reach a bar that is set so very high for yourself!

Start a company? Buy a new house? Reach out to a new friend? Of course you are going to get cold feet when you ask yourself to do those things.

Your life is stable. Comfortable. Predictable. Life is going well. Why would you risk all that?

It’s easier to stay where you are. But the longer you stay, the more you are in danger of languishing.

One of the things I love about kids is that every time they experience something new, they grow just a little bit—not in stature but in maturity.

All those rites of passage.

• Braces.

• Driver’s licenses.

• First dates.

• College acceptance letters.

Having something to look forward to makes life interesting and fun. And the problem is that most of us have become fearful of trying new things. Year after year, we fall into comfortable habits and familiar rituals, all in the name of safety and security and then wonder why our lives feel so BORING. When each new day feels exactly like every old day, time flies and we can’t even remember what we did. “Where did the time go?” we ask ourselves.

If you’re not sure what’s next for you, let me encourage you to start with one thing.

JUST ONE.

Do something new and small. Do you normally drink tea? Try coffee instead. Like to work out by pressing buttons on your remote control? Try a group fitness class.

What if that one decision gave you the courage to try one more?

What if your decision today was enough to kick-start your booty into doing something totally brand new?

Here’s the thing no one tells you: You’ll never know what waits on the other side of your decision until you take that first scary step.

I know what you’re thinking. Changing up your daily hot drink or working out in a different way is not enough to help me dig out of the rut I’ve built.

I get it.

But remember, doing something scary can feel exactly like visiting a gym for the first time. At first, everything is awkward and unfamiliar. If you make it through the first workout, you’ll probably feel sore the next day. But every time you exercise those muscles, the workout gets a little easier. The pain is still there, but now it feels GOOD because you understand that you are building muscle. You can add more weight, do more reps, go a little longer. Your clothes fit better. You have more energy.

Maybe someone asks you to run a 10K. You hesitate for a fraction of a second, but then you say, “Yes! Yes! I can do that!”

And you know you can—because you’ve already tried something new and hard. And you didn’t die.

My thirteen year-old daughter also used to be terrified of roller coasters, but she made a promise to herself that this year would be her year to ride them all. When we went to Universal two weeks ago, she started small: First, Hagrid’s, then the Incredible Hulk, then Dr. Doom, and finally the granddaddy of them all: the Velocicoaster. Halfway through the ride, she was no longer white-knuckling the bar in front her. Instead, she was laughing with her hands in the air.

That’s what I want for you, too. The thrill of riding with your hands in your air through all the ups and downs and twists and turns of every new possibility life brings. Love and work are one wild ride. And besides, life is too short to spend any of it languishing. Try something new, and enjoy every minute!

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The Scariest Question in the World

I have to tell you something about me: I’m 47 years old, and I’ve never had a cavity.

Until today.

I’ve been dreading today for the last six months because the last time I went to the dentist, he told me that in fact, I do have a cavity, and that he would have to fill it at my next appointment.

I’ve been counting down the last 180 days, and although I’ve had six months to prepare, believe me when I tell you that I was not ready.

Have you ever had a date circled on the calendar that you just didn’t want to arrive? In your mind, you just knew it was going to be the worst possible day.

That was me.

And then the day of the actual filling was really anti-climactic. A little numbing cream. A couple of shots, and then some weird noises, but otherwise…

BLESSEDLY UNEVENTFUL.

It’s easy to get ourselves worked up over things that MIGHT happen or COULD happen, but that doesn’t mean they WILL happen.

The scariest question in the world is WHAT IF?

The chance that your worst fear will actually happen is actually pretty low. In the case of my cavity, I was worried that it would hurt so bad that I would cry or throw up, which would be embarrassing, but not devastating. The reality, of course, is that a tiny little cavity isn’t going to kill me.

The only way to manage anxiety and fear is to face it head-on.

We have to face anxiety head-on because that’s where anxiety lives—IN OUR HEADS.

Here’s how:

Before: Channel the anxiety into something constructive. To ease your un-ease, do something to distract your mind from the thing you’re dreading. I like to practice Spanish or bake something in my kitchen. Sometimes I read or journal. Prayer always helps!

During: Remind yourself that the pain you’re experiencing is temporary. It will not last forever. (This trick helped me deliver four kids without drugs.) And again, prayer always helps. A posture of dependence can help you achieve an inner calm. It is a reminder that you are not alone.

After: Fear is a good thing. Humans are hard-wired to experience fear. That fight or flight response is exactly the thing that enables us either to hide from or attack our predators. There’s no such thing as overcoming fear, but facing our fears can help us be more confident, as we discover that surviving challenging situations is a skill-set we can own. And what you believe about the future changes how you live in the present.

• WHAT IF you believed that good things are to come?

• WHAT IF you believed that even this hard thing could be an invitation to learn something new about yourself or about the world?

• WHAT IF you believed your experience could be an encouragement to someone else?

Many of you are dealing with issues much scarier than a little ‘ol cavity, and my heart goes out to you today. We all have both small and big things in our lives that trigger the fear response. My dad, an avid tree climber, for example, has a fear of heights. To combat that fear, he just keeps climbing higher. My older daughter hates loud noises. When she feels overwhelmed, she visualizes the most peaceful place she knows. And I have a friend battling cancer. She shares everything that’s happening—the good and the bad—and thus invites everyone she knows to join her cheering squad.

I’d love to know how you’re slaying your own fears. Share your own tips and tricks in the comments below!

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Compliance Fatigue: It's a Real Thing and What to do About It

I’m tired of social distancing.

Tired of wearing gloves and masks in public.

Tired of not being able to browse stores I like, send my kids to school, attend church, and workout at my gym.

I’m tired of all of it.

And I know I’m not alone. We’re all JUST SO TIRED.

When I volunteered in hospice, one of the continuing education classes we were required to attend was on something called Compassion Fatigue.

“A condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring. ”

— Compassion Fatigue

“I’m tired of doing all the things I’m supposed to do,” I complained to my husband. “It takes so much energy, and even though I’m getting more rest than ever before, I rarely feel rejuvenated.”

It’s not exactly compassion fatigue because I do still feel compassion for others, and I care about a lot of new things in ways I never have before.

“Oh no!” I wailed. “I have Compliance Fatigue!”

I thought I made up the phrase, but there’s an actual definition for it in the Urban Dictionary:

“A state of chronic fatigue induced by having to constantly maintain compliance with the ever-increasing variety of rules, regulations, and processes created by middle management bureaucrats in both public and private organizations.”

— Compliance Fatigue

I laughed out loud when I read that, even though the definition was written for an audience focused on corporate governance and business ethics.

All the rules, regulations, and processes are taking their toll on us. (And a lot of us aren’t even working right now!)

On my morning walk, I was thinking about this. The leaves have just sprouted and you can see the roots of the big trees pushing up through the ground. Which reminded me of a story I heard years ago about the giant redwoods in California. These massive trees don’t have a deep root system. Rather, their root system interlocks with the root system of other sequoias and in so doing, the trees literally hold one another up. They can withstand gale force winds, floods, earthquakes, and fire. They could not survive without each other.

The largest of these is the General Sherman, ironic I know, because that guy was known for the things he burned, not the things he planted. But he was also the one who coined the phrase “War is hell.” And everyday I hear people talking about Covid-19 like it’s World War III, with President Donald Trump even describing himself as a “war-time President.”

And so as I sit here tonight contemplating these last few weeks, I’ve realized more than ever than trying to do anything by myself is impossible. It’s impossible to keep practicing social distancing when you feel like you’re alone.

(I know. I know. The signs are everywhere: “We’re all in this together!”)

But even if everyone else is doing it, the very definition of social distancing means we’re going to feel like we’re alone.

This past Saturday, I celebrated my birthday, and three friends came over and surprised me with lunch. We sat in my backyard next to our outdoor fireplace—six feet apart—and just talked. And it was so good for my soul. We didn’t hug or crowd around each other for photos like we usually do, but we had the best time.

And then today, I drove around my neighborhood and put surprises in a few mailboxes. And the response was overwhelming. People just want to know that someone is thinking about them, that they haven’t been forgotten.

And I guess that’s how we’re going to hold people up during this time.

We can do the big tree thing and quietly spread our roots to nourish the people we love.

The General Sherman is 275 ft tall, 25 feet in diameter, and approximately 2,500 years old, and every year it adds enough wood to make another 60 foot tall tree!

But his tree, the General Sherman, is holding up the other trees in the forest. And that’s what I want to do, too. I will continue to respect the recommendations of the CDC, but in order to keep from feeling all this compliance fatigue, I’m going to have to spend time getting out of my own head.

This is the recipe: Do something kind for someone else.

• Like my friend, Kristi, who texted me a video hug.

• And my friend, Amy, who left a treat on my front porch right before Easter.

• And my friend, Kaitlyn, who sent me some sweet essential oil spray called “Peace.”

• And my friend, Ginny, who brought over fresh-cut flowers from her backyard.

• And my friend, Jennifer, who drove by in her golf cart for a surprise “hello.”

• And my friend, Rebecca, who delivered brownies hot out of the oven.

• And so many other things not written here. I hold all of them in my heart.

There’s so many little things we can do that make a big difference in helping all of us feel healthy and strong.

General Sherman didn’t have anything to say about compassion or compliance, but back in his day he did talk a lot about courage.

“A perfect sensibility of the measure of danger, and a mental willingness to endure it.”

— Courage

Press on, my friends. Press on.

And love your neighbor.

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