3 R's: Rituals, Rhythms and Rest (Part 2 of 3): The Rhythm is Gonna Get You

Raise your hand if you’re overwhelmed by all the events you see on your calendar and tasks on your to-do list. There’s so many things you know you should be doing, but you just can’t see to find the time.

2018 was kind of exhausting, am I right? 

It seemed like every day there was another person asking you to sign up for their committee - or even worse, that moment when you realized you already said yes one too many times.

And then there were those days when you were just plain tired, a kid got sick, you didn’t plan dinner, the washing machine broke, and everyone was left scrambling to fend for themselves.

And then of course it seems like there’s always one more email in your inbox, one more book to read, one more course to buy. 

And yet, you’re still left with this nagging feeling of being behind, of not doing enough. 

I don’t want that for you in 2019.

Maybe you felt like you were always playing catch up in 2018, but 2019 can be different.

I understand.

I used to feel out-of-whack all the time. There were a thousand sticky notes plastered around my desk, I had piles of books on every surface, and at least three different journals that outlined my goals, plans, wishes, schedules, and even the weekly dinner menus. I couldn’t keep track of it all!

The good news is you don’t have to buy another planner or program or assistant.

The answer to your overwhelming problems is inside you, and it’s all about finding your natural rhythm.

You may have noticed that animals do this naturally. The morning songs of birds, the foraging behavior of the squirrels in autumn, and the human tendency to get a little blue in the winter all represent the natural rhythms of life. The presence of internal biological clocks is one of the most universal traits shared by all living things, from bacteria to fruit flies to humans (source).  You had no idea you had something in common with fruit flies, did you?

All animals respond to their environments by employing their natural biological rhythms, but we humans tend to think we can bypass nature and do things our own way. Cue ALL. THE. FAILURES. Luckily, the Creator of the universe imbibed us with all the tools we need to survive this crazy life. Let’s take a quick look at how paying attention to rhythms can revolutionize our new year’s resolutions.

Three Quick Tips & Tricks

Visit Sleepytown on the Regular

1)    Get up and go to bed at the same time every day. Oh my gosh—is it another person telling you you need to sleep more? I’m sorry. I had to say it because it’s true. You cannot underestimate the importance of a good night’s rest. It’s the #1 way to jump start your day and get more done. Without it, you’ll feel foggy, sluggish, and irritable. If you want to avoid pain, I cannot recommend this one change heartily enough. And this is coming from a person who used to stay up and watch all the late night shows and then get up at five to workout? Get your sleep! (Trust me when I say I don’t miss the TV at all and as for the workouts, sometimes I still do a 5:00 AM, but it’s built into my weekly rhythm.)

What Gets Repeated Gets Rewarded

2)   You’ve probably heard the phrase, “What gets rewarded gets repeated.” Guess what? The opposite is also true. At least in this case. “What gets repeated gets rewarded.” Your brain actually prioritizes repetition and routine. When you do the same things the same way, you free up space to be creative and save time in the long run. Establishing daily habits for exercise, work, meditation, meal prep, and community train your brain to be efficient. And I’m all about being efficient. If you own a dishwasher, microwave, toaster, or hair dryer, my guess is that you crave efficiency too.

One Foot in Front of the Other…Over and Over Again

3)   Back in the ‘90s, did anyone ever make you a mix tape? I think nowadays we call them playlists, and we have them for road trips, workouts, and special occasions. Once a year, I run a 10K in July. It’s really hot, and my running playlist keeps me motivated. Did you know that listening to music while exercising actually enables you to use 7% less oxygen? It’s true! I am not a runner, but that playlist keeps me going. Every single year, I finish the race because I just keep putting one foot in front of the other in time with the music. A 2006 study that looked at the effect of music on the selection of treadmill speed found that while listening to fast-paced music, participants increased their pace and distance travelled without becoming more tired. Really! Rhythms work! If you need something to keep you going, try making a playlist for work or for prepping meals or helping kids with homework.

My wish for you in 2019 is that you’ll be able to increase your pace and be less tired and more productive, and I believe you can do it. Write down your current rhythms and your preferred rhythms. No fancy planners. No complicated apps. Just you and your favorite notebook and a positive attitude about the new year.

For inspiration, and a little 80s throwback, maybe listen to this first.

Here’s to good vibes and good work in 2019. I’m with you all the way!

 Ready to take it to the next level?

3 R's: Rituals, Rhythms, and Rest (Part 1 of 3)

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

Around here, we’re getting pretty excited. When Santa shimmies down our chimney on Christmas Eve, he leaves traces of magic everywhere. There’s a trail of candy canes and gold coins from the kids’ rooms down to the Christmas tree, stockings stuffed to the brim with thoughtful gifts, and presents under the tree wrapped with—what else—a unique Santa paper for each child. Someone usually makes a Starbucks run, and then we spend the rest of the day cooking up yummy treats for friends and family stopping by. It’s a glorious time, a time so steeped in tradition, I think our family might implode if I tried to change a single thing.

Which got me thinking…

Why are traditions so important?

The word itself seems so dated and obtuse. No one wants to be traditional. How old-fashioned! We want to be progressive, trendy, and popular.

But tradition is important precisely because it can be counted on never to change.

The tradition is grounding; it helps us understand who we are and our place within the family unit and society as a whole.

My traditions do not minimize or negate yours.

In fact, our daughter loves to ask her friends about their traditions. She loves learning about what other families do, and in fact, many of our family traditions are not things that I grew up with at all, but rather things I read about in magazines or heard my friends doing, and thought, “Oh that would be fun for us!”

Which leads me to talk about something called rituals….

When it’s not the holidays, traditions have another name. We call them rituals, and our days are filled with them.

It’s making a pot of coffee or having tea before bed. It’s kisses and hugs before walking out the door and prayers at mealtimes.

Our everyday rituals are just as important as our traditions. They may even be more important because these rituals form the habits that shape us into the people we become.

A ritual provides structure for our days and weeks. A ritual is a physical cue that tells our bodies and minds what’s next.

The new year is the perfect time to begin incorporating rituals into your everyday life. Think of them as sort of your rules for living.

What are your current rules for living?
What are your preferred rules for living?

During this season of giving and receiving, I hope you’ll enjoy the time honored traditions your family has cultivated. Savor every moment. The traditions you love today will become the memories you cherish for years to come. (And the rituals you practice will become the foundation of your preferred future).

Merry Christmas!

Ready to take it to the next level?

Conversation Bites

Six Ideas for Connecting with Kids Around the Table

SKIP TO THE END TO SNAG THE <FREE> RESOURCES.

Are your afternoons as crazy as mine?

More than likely you have one or more kids coming home from school loaded down with a backpack full of homework and a full schedule of activities on the docket.

I understand.

Many years ago, when our oldest was just starting middle school and our youngest was still in preschool, I felt like the craziest time in our lives was just beginning. The social calendar was expanding at an alarming rate while the time our family had together was steadily shrinking.

I figured that we had exactly an hour and a half after school to grab a snack, begin homework, and eat dinner before shuttling three kids to their respective evening practices. 

If I didn’t do something drastic, we were going to become ships passing in the night, roommates who barely knew each other at all.

But amidst all the afternoon mayhem, who had time to talk?

What happened to meaningful conversation? Insightful dialogue? Witty banter? I longed for the days when we’d put the babies to bed at 6:30. Adult conversation! But now that everybody had a vocabulary, it didn’t have to be just me and him. The kids could join in, and it was time to invite them to the party. The problem was we barely had time to wipe our mouths and push in our chairs before rushing to our separate cars, my husband with the boys and all their football gear in one and the girls and I, soccer balls and shin guards in hand, in the other one.

Sound familiar?

Solution: The Family Dinner

I didn’t want to be a family of strangers, or worse a family that found itself in a state of unmitigated dysfunction five, ten, or fifteen years from now. I’m a five on the Enneagram, so I knew exactly what the research was saying.  We would communicate, even if it started with a little kicking and screaming.  And even if we just had fifteen minutes, we would make every single one of those minutes count. And this is why:

• Better academic performance

• Higher self-esteem

• Greater sense of resilience

• Lower risk of substance abuse

• Lower risk of teen pregnancy

• Lower risk of depression

• Lower likelihood of developing eating disorders

• Lower rates of obesity

Six Ideas for Table Talk

1. The Adjective Bowl:

   To begin, I created what affectionately and not-so-creatively became known as the adjective bowl. In it, I placed a hundred or more good adjectives. We used the adjectives several different ways.  On the first night, I had each child choose three adjectives from the bowl.  They needed to look at the adjectives, then decide which one best described their day.  On the next night, I just had them choose one adjective, then think of something that happened during the day and use the adjective in a sentence that described their experience.  On another night, we picked three adjectives, then tried to develop sentences that incorporated all three.  Every night was different because they always chose different adjectives. I would never say, “How was your day?” again. Instead, with adjectives like grumpy, sticky, bossy, and murky, our conversations instantly became much more colorful. An unexpected bonus was that my kids expanded their vocabulary as they learned the meanings of some unfamiliar words. 

2. A Quote a Day:

   The success of the adjective bowl inspired me to create a different kind of bowl.  I filled this one with quotes—some famous and some not so famous. Each night, the kids could choose a quote and then they had to say what they thought the quote meant or what it could personally mean to them.  They were not allowed to say, “I don’t know.”  We talked about the people who said them, if we had heard of them before.  We talked about the circumstances that might have inspired them to pen those words.  We asked questions like, “Why do you think he/she said that? And “Now that you’ve heard this, will you think/do anything differently?”

3. Highs/Lows:

   If we were running particularly short on time, we’d do something called Highs/Lows.  This is a popular ice-breaker and a go-to conversation starter in just about every small group I’ve ever been in. Everyone takes a turn saying something good that happened to them during the day and something disappointing that happened during the day.  Later, when my daughters or sons would react emotionally, we could usually trace it back to to one of the lows they mentioned at dinnertime.  At bedtime, when we had more time to talk, we could work with them to navigate these feelings. 

4. You’ve Got to be Kidding:

   One of our favorite dinner games still to this day is to get out a book we have called, You Gotta be Kidding. With more than 200 pages of “Would you rather” questions, we can spend a lot longer than fifteen minutes around the table. For example, “Would you rather eat 10 pounds of cheese -OR- a bucket of peanut butter—with nothing to drink?” The hilarious questions defuse carry-over tension from work and school, as we laugh over the improbable scenarios outlined in the book.  Even our toddler could participate, and the ensuing mayhem was well worth the time to play the game. (Tip: This is also a fun one to bring along on road trips!)

5. Current Event Thursday

   Back then, we had one night a week when we were not scurrying to lessons and practices.  I made that night Current Event Thursday.  At first, my kids groaned and complained over the prospect of having to scour the Internet for a relevant news article. “It’s homework!” they cried. But I felt it was important for them to understand the world and their place in it.  Lots of websites tailor their news just for kids, and these sites are an excellent resource (Click here, here, and here).  The articles are short and easy to understand. Our kids would review their chosen article, then summarize it for us at the dinner table.  The rest of us could ask questions, and usually—I stress usually—we had an interesting discussion. This was very hard at first, but over time the kids’ research skills improved. They started to find out interesting things. There’s a lot more to life than what you see on the local news. In fact, we all learned something new, and as a bonus, even the grown-ups left the table armed with fun facts to share when the conversation got stale at our own dinner parties. This activity helped our kids verbalize their thoughts on important issues and assimilate information to shape their world view.

6. The Roving Reporter

   This one is great for little kids who already like to ask A LOT of questions! This person has the job of interviewing everyone else at the table.  He/she can ask any question they like.  It can be a simple, “What did you do today?” to “Why didn’t you let me play with your American Girl doll?” to “How do you think our team is going to play on Saturday?”  I wanted to teach my kids that the most interesting people in the world are the most interested people in the world. And sometimes, especially in big families, there might be a dominant personality that hijacks the conversation no matter where you are. This activity gives everyone a chance to have a voice.

Whether we’re at the table for 15 minutes or a full hour, we can find something to say to each other.  Everyone deserves to talk. And everyone deserves a listening ear.

Now that the kids are older and can actually drive their own cars to and from school and friends’ houses (and work—oh my!), there are fewer and fewer nights when we’re all home together. The memories we made all those years ago are even sweeter today, and honestly I think they were the foundation for the relationship we now have with our kids.

If you have any tips and tricks for making the most of the time your family has together, I’d love to know about them. Please share in the comments below or drop me a message here.

Have something to say? You can tell me!

What We Don't Want Can Help Us

I have a friend who is really indecisive. If you ask her where she wants to go for lunch, she’ll say, “I don’t care. Where do you want to go?” Or if you ask her what she wants to do this weekend, she’ll say, “I don’t care. What do you want to do?” I’m sure she thinks she’s being all laid back and accommodating, but the truth is I really do want to know what she wants to eat and where she wants to go.

If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have asked.

Sometimes, though, I’ll make a suggestion, and she’ll say, “Oh no. I definitely don’t want to eat that.” Or “Nah…Iet’s do something else.”

And while that’s also frustrating for me, I’m glad my friend is confident about what she doesn’t want.

Case in point: When I was just a young chick, straight out of college, I worked as an office assistant in my dad’s office. It was my very first “real” job, complete with the entry level task list and entry level pay. But there was a problem: I didn’t think I was entry level material.

One of those daily tasks included data entry on a massive spreadsheet. I was a fast typist, so I was actually pretty good at this job. I could enter that data like a boss.

I was very, very fast, but I was also very, very bored.

And I knew I didn’t want to do data entry forever.

Soon, I dropped the Office Assistant title and instead began calling myself the Member Services Coordinator. My colleagues may have still thought of me as “just” the office assistant, but I began to introduce myself to stakeholders and clients in this brand new way. I also began taking on new assignments; planning continuing education and training, creating community, writing policy papers, interacting with legislators, taking notes at board meetings, and learning everything I could about what it means to be a change maker.

Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you should keep doing it and just because you love something doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be good at it. But knowing what we don’t want is the first step toward cultivating the skills we need to create a life we love. By knowing what I didn’t want to do, I was able to begin building a resume full of things I did want to do.

I don’t know exactly what I want my business to look like in five years, despite all the books and podcasts and conferences that urge me to write down all my goals and all the steps for getting there. I’ve lived long enough to see things take unexpected turns and to enjoy the surprise people and projects that have crossed my path. Meaning and purpose have evolved in a beautiful way over the last decade.

But still—despite the twists and turns—I have remained true to what I don’t want.

• I don’t want to work in an office where my creativity and ingenuity isn’t valued.

• I don’t want to be chained to a desk doing data entry and typing other people’s reports.

I don’t want a lot of things that maybe you do want—and that’s what makes the world a beautiful place. There are people who love data entry, who love the feel of their fingers flying over the keyboard and of seeing the lines on the screen fill up one by one. They enjoy checking things off lists and seeing tangible evidence every single day of the work they’ve done. If that’s you, then that’s awesome.

For you, the thought of filling up a journal page with 100 ideas might cause bile to rise in your throat. Or maybe the thought of pitching an idea or a product to an investor or donor would cause you to run screaming from the room.

I hope you always dream big dreams, but also pay attention to what you don’t want. It will be just as important as what you do want. Sometimes, I think it’s a little easier to recognize, too. Believe it or not, I used to want to be a doctor. Just after my first daughter was born, I decided to turn down my medical school acceptance letter. It wasn’t that I minded being on call at night and weekends, having little flexibility during the work day, or dealing with people who wouldn’t do what I told them to do. It was that I knew I didn’t want to be exhausted because I was pulling double duty doing those very same things as a parent to my young daughter.  I knew I couldn’t manage both.

 And I didn’t want to have to choose.

Confessions of an (Almost) Empty Nester and Why 40-Something is a Beautiful Age to Be

My oldest daughter leaves for college on Saturday. I knew this day was coming. In pre-K, the teachers took a photo of her wearing a much-too-big t-shirt that read, "Class of 2018," so obviously her graduation and subsequent acceptance to college did not come as a surprise.

I am in my 40s (a decade that unfortunately did take me by surprise). It's a tumultuous age when women get a bad rap for trying to act young even though the world says they are decidedly "old."  You see these women in their sunglasses and scarves, dying their hair and botoxing their foreheads, suddenly playing defense in a world gone topsy turvy, flipping back and forth between the youth they remember and the maturity that beckons with nary a warning nor an apology.

It’s cliché to say it seems like yesterday that I brought my tiny firstborn home from the hospital, but that was 1999, and I was only 25. My 20s were filled with so many firsts—college graduation, a wedding, my first real job, two babies, and home ownership. All those big things slowed down time and made me pine for a day when I could get my real life back—exercise, books, friends, and work.

I did not wish away my children’s childhoods, but I too fell into the trap of dreaming of all the things I’d do “one day.”  What I didn’t realize, though, is that when "one day" came I would no longer be the twenty-something or thirty-something I was when they were little. I thought I wanted more time. “For me,” I said. “I need a break,” I said. “I will travel. I will read. I will learn a new language,” I said.

Sure. Those things are good and noble. Travel. Books. Language. Who wouldn't want more of that? Maybe I will actually follow through on the promises I made to myself back then, but have you ever been around anyone—anyone—who is over 40 and doesn’t complain of their failing eyesight or their bad back or their weak stomach or their poor memory?

And they’re all always so tired. So very tired.

It’s discouraging, to say the least.

Don’t wait until you’re old to do the things you want to do when you’re young.

You can say that age is just a number, but does anyone really believe that? I find myself covering my gray and covering my wrinkles and covering the things that pooch in weird places even though I work out now more than I ever have in my life. The veins on my hands are also becoming more pronounced, a change I lament watching unfold even as my eyesight wanes. Yet I don’t want to spend these years hiding under cover, when there is so much still to be revealed—if only I would summon it.

You will spend a minimum of two decades raising your kids, maybe more depending on how many kids you have and how many years there are between them. You will be a different person when it is over than you were when you began. I say that with both wonder and gratitude. How much we learn from our children! I’ve discovered truths about myself, and them, and the world—all these things because four kids grew up in our home and we were tasked with the responsibility of raising them into productive, contributing members of society.  

I know it’s hard to have young kids, what with the constant vigilance and getting up in the middle of the night and addressing the tantrums and imparting wisdom and all. We like to pretend we don’t notice that everyone grows up eventually and so we end up saying ridiculous things like “Where did the time go?” and “How do we have kids that are going to college?” Honey, you know where it went. You were just trying to keep up back then—taking them to dance and soccer and arguing about homework and chores. But you were doing it. You were modeling what it means to be human. You were shaping the future—literally.

Please don’t give up.

Parenthood suits the young, but it teaches us how to be old.  

Figure out a way to embrace the life you have, wherever you are, whether you are young or old.

For now is all you have. It’s all any of us have.

I welcome this season of wonder—a daughter on the edge of adulthood, our family coming full circle as we celebrate the life we’ve built. She will take her first steps into an unknown world, figuratively cutting her teeth on every new experience that awaits. She will be nourished in ways beyond what we could have ever given her. She will explore the world anew.

The 40-somethings shouldn't be known for their crazy, off-balance shenanigans, women trying to act young while teetering on the brink of old. We can welcome this new season even as we curse it. It's a season fraught with the unknown, but it's also an adventure, a time to do all the things we said we’d do “one day” and no excuse for why we can’t.

If you are on the brink of a new season, I invite you to welcome it with me. Embrace the imperfections that accompany graceful aging. Find the beauty in the transition, for even as we find ourselves shifting within our own skin, we are witnesses to the life we built within the children we spawned. That love is a miracle in itself, a cycle of growth and regeneration that brings joy in the midst of grief that goes with letting go.

A beautiful truth: The most wonderful thing about parenthood is that while you will eventually let go of your child’s hand, your hearts will always be firmly, decidedly, resolutely connected--forever.

And the young at heart have always been my very favorite people of all.

Kindness Can't Be Taught

Kindness is so trendy right now. It's a buzzword like authenticity or mindfulness or collaboration.

And I can’t help but be a fan. We’d be crazy after all, not to want to raise kinder, more caring kids. I just think that in all the talk about kindness we've forgotten who's really responsible for raising kids that value the best in others.

In 2012, my friend, Ginny, and I started a club in our neighborhood called The Princess Generation. It began as a response to something I was feeling whenever I looked at my two daughters, then ages twelve and four. I noticed that twelve-year-old princesses were those girls who primped and preened and demanded attention wherever they went, while the four-year-old variety was generally regarded as adorable and endearing. “She’s such a little princess,” had two very different connotations when the words were directed at each of my daughters separately.

The mission of The Princess Generation was straightforward: to redefine what it meant to be a princess by raising up a generation of young women wholly devoted to serving others.

Kindness matters! Be nice! Turn the other cheek! Give! Share! Love! Yeah, we did all those things. Actually, I think those first kids were a little overwhelmed--and bored. We did some service projects, but mostly it was a few grownups doing a whole lot of talking.

Some things can’t be explained; they can only be experienced.

Kindness is one of those things.

My kids attend a National School of Character. The #BEKIND movement is alive and well.  Even our church makes serving easy. But all that access to kindness will be lost on my kids if I’m not kind.

We are our kids’ first and best teacher. If our kids are going to grow up to be kind, caring adults it will not only be because of the robust character education program at their school or their participation in a shoebox ministry at Christmastime;

It will be because of US.

When we first started Princess Generation, we also required moms to attend with their kids. Over the course of that first year, we learned a very powerful lesson.

Kind kids are born of kind parents.

Here's what that looks like in real life:

• We cannot criticize our friends publicly. Even if we are annoyed by something they say on Facebook or do in public, we must always, always speak kindly of others in front of our children.
• They need to see us doing kind things--without making a big deal about it. Picking up other people's trash while picking up our own dogs' doo doo, offering a cold drink to contractors who visit our home, holding doors, and waiting patiently in lines are all easy and kind. 
• When our children see us giving, they need to see that it's coming from the overflow of our hearts, not just the overflow of our closets and pantries.
• We need to talk about the things we see on TV or read in the newspaper that don't jive with our personal values. We need to engage our kids in conversations about how to be better members of our community and of our world.

And most importantly,

• We must be kind to our kids and our kids' friends. We need to be the parent we wish we had when we were their age.

True Story:

Today, my youngest daughter was frustrated because she was having a “bad hair day.” She was crying and thrashing about. She came downstairs demanding that I make an appointment at the hair salon right that very minute.

I can only imagine the downward spiral that would have occurred had I brashly told her to stop talking to me like that and to go to her room and not come out until she had a better attitude—OR ELSE.

She should remember that I’m the mom and she’s the kid and she should do what I say—NO MATTER WHAT.

I had every right to demand an apology because--I DESERVE RESPECT.

All those things are true, but my little daughter is also a person and deserves to be treated with honor and dignity. Why? Because she matters, and I love her. By showing her that she matters, my prayer is that she’ll show others that they matter.

So instead of enforcing my "mom card" I told her I understood her frustration, but that she needed to take a step back for a minute. She went upstairs and shut (okay, let’s be honest, slammed) her bedroom door. A few minutes later I received this text:

“I planned on having a good day today, but it doesn’t seem to be going that way.”

I responded, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. We’ll get your hair situated, but you can’t freak out. You can be upset, but let’s calmly work out a plan for dealing with it.”

And then a minute later, this emotionally mature text: “Can we start over and make it a better day?”

And I said, “Yes! Definitely!”

She came downstairs and asked to fold the towels that were in the dryer. I’m not even kidding! I cannot make this stuff up! It really happened, and I'm as shocked as anybody!

We don’t always get this right, but after more than two decades of working with kids, I know that the kindest kids are born from the kindest parents. I'm still learning how to do that well, how to be the person I want my kids to be. I have three teenagers now (and a ten year-old), but it's never too late. Never to late to start fresh. 

Questions for Reflection:

• What do you need to change right now?
• Are you holding a grudge against someone that's coming out in the words you use while you're with your family?
• Are you frustrated about something?
• Are you complaining or being an active participant in making it better?
• Are you including your kids in conversations about the things you value? Do your actions match your words?

Back in 2012, we put together a little how-to booklet called "How to be a PRINCESS." We thought it would be fun to resurrect it here.

Parents unite! We're cheering for you!

Click the button below to access the guide.

You’re not a JUST anything

I’ll never forget the first time someone asked me if I was JUST a mom.

The question made my skin prickle and my face flush.

Surely I wasn’t JUST a mom.

Or was I?

For four years I worked a regular, ‘ol 9-5 job, and by the time someone asked me whether or not I was JUST a mom, I had already spent that much time (and more) at home raising my kids.

So did that make me JUST a mom?

It was a simple yes or no question.

But instead of answering yes or no, I launched into a long diatribe about all the EXTRA things I was doing in addition to being JUST a mom.

Last week, I had lunch with a friend who just had a baby.

“Before my daughter was born, I was vibrant, creative, innovative, and busy. I’m still busy, but I now I feel so BORING!”

I know how she feels. That time someone asked me if I was JUST a mom was the first of many times I’ve been asked that question. And every time I’m tempted to talk about all the other things I love to do besides manage my growing family.

(Cue the guilt trip.)

Why should I have ever felt like I needed to apologize for my role as wife and mother? After all, isn’t everyone always saying that moms have the hardest job in the world?

(I was beginning to believe that people weren’t being entirely truthful with me.)

I wasn’t the kind of girl who grew up dreaming of motherhood. I thought I was going to be a doctor, a real career woman, and if kids showed up, well, we’d figure it out.

But once they were born (four kids in eight years), it turns out that I kind of liked my new role. I was pretty good at it. Heck, I was even proud that tiny feet padded around the house and followed me everywhere and called me “Mommy.” While different than what I was doing in my previous life, I knew that my investment in the next generation was important work.

Strong families are the foundation of a strong community, and community engagement has always been a passion project of mine. By that rationale, I was perfectly positioned to do the work I was meant for all along!

My kids are older now, and people still ask me if I’m JUST a mom. It took me a good ten (okay, 15) years, but one day I decided to re-frame how I answered the question.

“Yes,”, I reply. And I’m only being a teensy bit smug. “I love it. What do YOU love about what YOU do?”

Maybe you are in a season where you’re not doing what you thought you would be doing at this time in your life or maybe you’re doing exactly what you want to be doing but what you’re doing doesn’t have the cache or panache of what somebody else is doing. Don’t fall into the comparison trap. Your unique contribution to the world is exactly that—yours—and yours alone. It’s not what you’re doing that matters. It’s what you LOVE about what you’re doing.

So, whether you’re JUST a mom or JUST an artist or JUST a teacher or JUST a waitress, remember: You’re not a JUST anything.

What do you love about what you do?